To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

Might be better to delete your Mumsnet account, as that's the site you're on at the moment. No idea what Netmums is like these days, though. Maybe they'll agree with you instead?

Don't forget to delete your Mumsnet one too 😜

The cycle is continuing because these children are growing up in this environment you both chose to have children together so the best that can happen is these children get external help to hope it doesn't continue with the next generation

You cant blame him for everything you need to own up to your part and maybe get help yourself so you can help them

Oh shut it how many children I have is not relevant here

That was a typo I am deleting my mumset
i don’t even have a netmums account

Oh dear OP it sounds like you relationship with your daughter is getting very disfunctional, not helped at all by her father. I have two take always from this:
1/ Two wrongs don’t make a right, just because she behaves badly you need to take the moral high ground 2/ You are alternating between treating her like a child and then a complete equal. You both need to take a big step back on treating her as a child and demand more from her as an adult. To your specific post my responses would have been:

The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do.
me: I’m so sorry, you must be disappointed, let’s discuss it when I am properly awake (when it has all gone pear shaped is not the time to pull out ‘I told you so’ to anyone)

Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed
me: honestly DD, I would have been more proud of you if you tried your best and failed than half arsed it and passed, but I am happy you passed as I always want the best for you.

Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
me: silent treatment would get silent treatment right back from me until she behaves like an adult and articulates her grievances like an adult

she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness.
Me: I don’t beg, i apologise, if that is not good enough then so be it, hold the grudge. I can only influence my behaviour not someone elses

I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently
Me: Everyone has to tidy up after themselves appropriate to their age, so maybe they should be doing something. To her: I treat them as I treated you at the same age. I neither want nor need you input on my parenting of my own children thank you.

so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house.
me: oh hell no, rewards poor behaviour. Not only does she have to do it, there are consequences for not doing so.

she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship.
me: oh great I am glad you have a good relationship with your father

Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
me: oh good that is a great idea. You could also just put it in your own savings account so you have total control which is best

I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me,
me: I wouldn’t do that. I would not want her to feel unwanted by her parent. Also anything negative her father is aware of he WILL pass straight on to her and paint it as black as possible. Best as little contact with him from you as you can. I would say ‘I love you and want you with me but most of all I want you to be happy. If it would make you happier to move in with your father I will understand and support you’.
am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?
me: you are not unreasonable to be upset, you are unreasonable to show it and to treat her like any other random adult rather than your beloved child that you want the best for despite her behaviour.

Oh trust me I get it. I'm advising you as someone who's estranged from their parents. I'm sorry this happened and your daughter obviously can't see it (yet). But can you see how it's affected her if it has affected you? She was only a child and not the adult. She was totally helpless when you weren't. Also, she's not your ex husband. And even though she's 19 you will always be the parent. There will always be a power dynamic between you and her, with you holding more power.

You'd do well getting your own support and not view your daughter as an extension of your ex. With your own support you would be able to respond much more maturely in these situations. You have a chance now. Your daughter is only 19 and perhaps things can be salvaged. You seem to be in a constant battle with her (no surprise given the past) but it's your job to put an end to this. I get it that you don't know how, you don't have to. But you can have someone show you.

yet she still lives with you?

prove the dad wrong op
be a good enough mother

You are wrong. It's is repairable, if you repair it. But you're so focussed on what her dad did and how you're the victim. You'll never get out from under his control if you carry on with this mindset.

Yes it's shit and unfair when you have to deal with and try to repair damage done by another parent. I've been there. But all you're doing is seeing yourself as the victim and how your daughter should think how hard it is for you and how much you've got on your plate. You need to see it from her point of view.

You can flounce off if you want calling everyone here a bully and feeling sorry for yourself, but people are actually trying to help you. If you don't put some work in now you will not have a better relationship with your daugher and you'll repeat the same pattern with your other children too. If you want things to change, you need to change first.

It is extremely unfair that your ex has created these issues for you, but you are living as though you are still a couple. Unfortunately ( & unfairly) you have to put the work in, you are still emotionally connected to your ex and reacting to your daughter (and posters here) as a result. You need to build your own skills and resilience, especially as you have another daughter. As I said before you deserve to feel happy and strong. It is the only way to escape him & will change your life completely.

When my son didn’t do well in an exam I knew he was more than capable of doing I’d say, well you didn't do any revision so it’s not really surprising. I don’t understand why people are saying it’s horrible to say things like that. My son wasn’t offended, he’d agree.

You have also said this before!
Op please for your children’s sake look into counselling for you

This time i am

Was it the very first thing you said, in a text when you were in the room next door and still feeling very unhappy about your ex and judging your son on how he interacts with him? I think people are seeing the wider context and trying to help the OP.

i hope you can build bridges op

She packs her stuff and you drive her to her dad's place.

If you don't drive, it will be worth the taxi fare.

They are both taking you for granted and are not listening. Show them you mean business and stop letting them walk all over you.

If she wants to come back then she's got to ask you nicely. See how she likes it when the boot's on the other foot.

She wasn’t in the next room from me she was upstairs I was down stairs as I sleep on the sofa I don’t have a bedroom

Why were you half-asleep when she got her exam results? They can collect them first thing in the morning, results day is a big day and it seems like you weren't really present. Maybe I've misunderstood?

I don't think your reaction to her 'failing' was great tbh. In the past, I failed some exams mainly due to my mum giving me no boundaries and allowing me to do pretty much whatever I liked, I didnt have the maturity to parent myself at that age. It wasn't the greatest feeling however no-one made it worse by blaming me and rubbing the salt in.

They went to her email address she didn’t pick them up they are not the same as GCSE’s or a levels the exam dates are not published in the same way teachers don’t inform parents as they are over 18 and she didn’t tell me

It’s not her dad’s fault, though I agree he sounds vile.

It wouldn’t matter how many times my ex told my kids I didn’t love them, because my words and actions every day show them that I do. That’s what is lacking here. Sometimes you really do need to rise above the bad behaviour of others, and dealing with your ex is one of those times. Kind words and actions would show your DD that her dad is an unpleasant, bitter man. But instead you are playing right into his hands.

Your first response when she said she failed is to berate her.

That's really shit and perhaps says something about why your relationship is bad

You are taking no responsibility for your own role in all of this.
This issue didn't start overnight. It was years in the making and how you deal with her plays a part. Your relationship with her will never improve if you don't examine your own behaviour. If you had replied to her text by saying "I'm so sorry you failed. I'm awake, come talk to me", how differently do you think the situation would have played out?

You sound like a primary school child saying “But he called me a name too”. You’re responsible for your behaviour not anyone elses. This is about what you need to do.

You’re getting a lot of flack here OP.
Only you know what’s gone on and yes it sounds like there are faults on all sides including her dad.
Perhaps you both need a bit of breathing space and time apart.
Could you say to her that as much as you love and want to help her she would happier spending some time living at her dad’s.
You could then maybe meet up for a coffee or lunch just the 2 of you and chat about her job in a calmer environment.

Ok