To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

I suspect the OPs emotional maturity has stunted because she spent her 20s being abused so didn’t have the luxury others have of gaining different experience and standing back to consider the best way to deal with things calmly. She was likely on high alert the whole time and exhausted her emotional energy.

This does have some truth
I was 17 when i met him, he was 27 and the moment I moved in with him the abuse started

She is using you as an emotional punching bag. She probably needs psychological help to deal with this behaviour and her issues, but allowing this dynamic to continue is unhealthy for both of you.

I'd say you need to consider a few things:

A lot of your difficulty with your daughter is that you're demanding "respect" from her. I have two daughters of a similar age. If I asked them to "respect" me, they'd laugh in my face: They are young woman now and the idea that I should simply expect them to do as I say because I own the house and am their mum, just wouldn't work. However, if I ask them to do stuff, in the spirit of helping or cooperation and thank them, or offer to do stuff for them, I get a lot more back. Like PP have said, you need a bigger toolkit to deal with some of the confrontational behaviour you are getting from her. Sometimes, I make the implicit stuff that I do explicit: "Have you got any stuff you need washing for tomorrow?" rather than just doing it. "I'm going down the shop, do you want some of that humous you like, it's on special?". "Are you alright for cash this week". Just little things that show I think about them non-stop. Stuff they'd take for granted.

Your biggest problem is her dad. He sounds horrible and he doesn't really care enough about her to have her in his own home even on overnights. His only way of bonding with her is to join with her in pitting themselves against you. When you rise to it, she goes back and complains, he soothes her and stokes up the fires against you and you just feed the cycle. You have to ignore this. Don't even tell her that her dad doesn't care enough about her: This is true, but you telling her will be counterproductive. This is something she will have to see for herself.

Her apprenticeship is a good opportunity for a reset. Be positive about her getting it and do stuff to support her, like making sure she has snacks and lunch and clean water bottle, laundry done. make a fuss when she comes home from work.

...and i do appreciate that you have had some very tough years and are living in very tough circumstances.

I know you have had some harsh replies but there is good advice in here too.

You do seem to be in victim mode and I'd suspect it's because she has become the mouthpiece of your former abuser.

But you don't seem to have an appropriate child/adult relationship. It reads that she is in charge and you are back in your marriage and powerless.

This is not how it should be but you've clearly been through a lot. You need to seek help/learn new techniques to deal with it.

You have younger children so you can't allow this to play out over and over again.

I gather you have younger children. Perhaps you'd find a parenting course helpful. It might be good to learn other strategies for dealing with situations. It's seems like defence is the strategy that your 17 year old self had to develop to protect herself. You can move beyond that now. You are a grown woman and you are not under attack. We are not attacking you. Your daughter is not attacking you. She is testing to see if you love her. Show her you do.

Are you the teenager or is she?

If my children told me they failed their exams. it would be ‘i told you so’ It would be ‘are you ok?’

You need to change your parenting style -

People remember how you make them feel.

We expect you to act like an adult.

I'm sorry, my Mum tried to turn us against our Dad for years when we were teens and it didn't work, because his actions spoke louder.

What do you say to her when she tells you her Dad says you don;t care about her? Personally I'd ask her if she believed that and why. And did she think it was a nice thing for a parent to tell a child they're unloved.

That’s YOUR experience not mine
this is totally different
this is a man who is very manipulative no two experiences are the same just coz you was able to not believe what your mother was saying doesn’t mean my daughter is able to and I’ve told her countless times to her that what her dad says isn’t true that I do care and love her
deep down she knows I care If she’s out when it’s still dark I text her asking if she’s ok if I didn’t then I wouldn’t care would I

She sounds absolutely vile. At 19 she’s an adult and could be a mother herself. She’s disgraceful the way she behaves towards you. Kick her out to her wonderful father. Sounds like she is bullying you.

You remind me of a woman I know. She had an abusive Ex and the child with him she could only see the abusive Ex when she looked at them. So she acted like you are towards him, slowly pushing him away whilst blaming the Ex

Everyone could see it but her

Get some self awareness

Well instead of everyone judging her maybe you should have all shown her some compassion as she was abused !!! You sit there and act like she’s did it on purpose
it’s not her fault she was abused it’s his and that would have affected the relationship with her children
disgusting how cold someof you are

‘An apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’ is coming to mind.
I think you’re both at fault and she’s probably learned this behaviour from you.

And all those advocating to kick her out, leave her bags outside etc

Really think about what you are suggesting

You want to kick a vulnerable, troubled young woman on to the streets? Where she'll be ripe for abuse from God knows who, probably forced into prostitution and drug running. Or end up with an abusive man of her own, bringing her own children into a shit show like she's been brought up in and perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

Really?

She actively pushed out a child who was desperate for her to love them. She ignored advice that would help her connect to them.

Just like you.

no she learned it from her dad he was the abusive one

this isn’t just about this incident there is loads of incidents where she has behaved in a disrespectful manner

like when I asked her to make her own lunch she kicked off, asking her to contribute to the house hold she kicks off
she said ‘my dad wouldn’t make me pay anything or provide for myself’
’my dad wouldn’t ask me to do anything ‘

yet she won’t go move to his !!!

Ive seen countless threads on here where it was a male young adult and the advice is to kick them out, so I suggest the same. I see no difference in a man or woman. Send her packing to her wonderful father and let her figure it out with him. She is an ADULT- unless MN is going to excuse her for being a woman and her front brain isn’t yet developed

All I suggested was for her to go to live with her dad
I wouldn’t kick her on the streets I’m not stupid and headless I don’t want my daughter being hooked on drugs and prostitution thanks

she sings her dads praises on the daily but degrades me so all I suggested was for her to live with him

This is what I mean exactly this if I was posting about a son they’d respond very differently

Ye I wasn't talking to you with that post was I?

But it's also pretty bad to encourage her to move into with a man you say is so abusive...

Better to try and find her housing, work with her to become independent

But her dad won't have her and you both know that. So when you tell her to go and live with her dad, to her you're rubbing her nose in it that her dad doesn't want her. That's unkind and immature of you.

Get some help with your feelings and your parenting OP, because PP was right, you're stuck still at age 17 yourself and so can't do the job of parenting you need to do now. You need to be able to be the adult here and you're not.

Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me

I hope you pointed out that if she really thought that her dad looks out for her he wouldn’t have aired your email suggesting she goes live with him and she really knows that

For all his rhetoric about how abusive you are he is quite happy for her to remain in your care.

Giving her dad £600 per month for him to invest suggests she thinks of herself as a child and at 19/20 she isn’t. She needs to start growing up and being responsible for her own money and not giving it away

How can she afford to give away £600 per month and pay her bills on an apprenticeship or is she expecting pocket money.