To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

Ok

Why are you laughing? My sons 22 and I help him if need be. You're not listening to anyone at all, anything people are saying to you is getting rebuffed by "is it ok she's treating me like this"! Nooone says it is, so stop just thinking of yourself and really read some of the advice here .
Your DD has clearly been affected growing up in an emotionally abusive environment. Both of you clearly need therapy

Two things can be true. She sounds awful and you sound awful.

Something about the apple not falling far from the tree?

This is such a small detail in what is going on here (other than you not having your own room), I'm not going to go into it.
You have posted about your situation. Some people have told you to throw your daughter out (short term solution), others have advised you to build your own strengths (long term solution).
Only you can change the dynamic between you and your daughters but you need support from professionals to get the skills. In the meantime, yes it is terribly unfair & hard but don't stay in that mental space.

We help our child and our child helps us, why is helping children even adult ones such a weird idea? No not asking you that question personally!

The Dad can only turn them against you if your actions support what he's saying .

He can say Mum doesn't love you, do you tell them you do?
He can say Mum doesn't care, do you demonstrate care with kindness and hugs
He can say Mum iies, are you always honest with them.

Your Ex can only do so much. What they see, hear, live with matters more.

You've apologised for your awful comment. Move on.

Are you both at home today? How about making lunch and asking about her new job? Build bridges .

I don't believe this to be true in abuse situations. It confuses the child and they develop a wrong understanding of love. There is also a lot of guilt and shame involved which the child will be feeling, so it's not as simple as 'behave like you love and support them and all will be good'. It's not. It sure helps the child if one parent is loving, supportive and mature, but the child will nevertheless feel conflicted. It is unfathomable to a child that a parent would hurt them intentionally or lie. So if this daughter grew up like this she will struggle massively to NOT believe the lies her father tells her about the mother.

it’s not as simple as that showing her dad that he is wrong not as simple as that when someone’s been brainwashed heavily
she doesn’t want to talk and has said she doesn’t want anything to do wit me
I have tried
she won’t move in with her dad and he won’t answer about that so I guess I’m living with this

our relationship isn’t good due to her dads constant criticism of me which wasn’t my fault and not take responsibility for that

It is strange that she stays living with you when the sun shines out of her fathers backside?
Perhaps sit down and ask her why she thinks her behaviour is acceptable, to constantly critique you and run to her dad and bitch about you together? Stop defending yourself and ask her those questions.whatever her answer - reply well its not going to give decent relationship with the family member you are hurting. Youre not going to get the best out of that person - then leave it for her to think about, don't give her any more - she needs to have time to think and keep saying the same questions each time it happens - and walk away

she never pranked her dad though so why me ?

because you give her the reaction she wants

best replie is

and how has that made you feel? - covers most bases

Start from scratch. Treat her with respect, don't apologise again, just start fresh.

Try to praise her for what you think she has done well. Try to drop in words of encouragement, even if it's you just saying it to your other children about how proud you are of her passing and getting her apprenticeship. She will probably ignore it or call you a liar, don't engage, just say that you love her and it's the truth.

You believe your ex to be badmouthing you so rise above it and don't get into the petty games. I would get all the children helping to tidy and wash up, then she can't complain about being the only one to have to help. Don't get caught up on small things like a plate or bowl left out, you are trying to forge an adult relationship with your daughter. Smaller jobs for the little ones obviously. Ask don't boss, would you/could you phrases.

As for your ex taking your daughters money, what's that all about? I suggest she put it in a savings account rather than handing it over to a parent. She is 19 now, he can give advice but not take her earnings.

I don't think what you replied to be too bad and can see why you said it as you had been arguing about her not studying but something helpful needed to be included. It's not the end of the world we will look at your options, don't worry.

That response is unnecessary in the moment they have found out that they have failed. At that point you are sympathetic and later could have a conversation on what went wrong and then maybe mention not working hard enough etc.

the op was actually wrong though. Her daughter had done enough to pass as she had passed. Maybe she’s not giving her daughter enough credit for what she does do, causing resentment and her to act out

OP she behaved childishly but to be honest you sound very petulant and sulky in your responses and it sounds like you have hugely contributed to this mindset by setting this tone in the household.

You are the adult in this relationship. You shouldn’t have been in bed on results day, full stop. You should have been ready to discuss this with her and when she delivered the news in this way you should have been emotionally mature enough to realise she was testing you and not thrown it back in her face. She already knows she screwed up. What do you think it achieves telling her “I told you so!”. It just comes across as vindictive and spiteful. No wonder she doesn’t trust you.

Her dad is clearly manipulative but your job is to rise above this and model calm, dignified and non judgemental behaviour and not sink into this tit for tat.

I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but you sound very emotionally immature yourself and I think you need to reflect a bit on how you are contributing to her feelings of low self esteem and lack of trust.

As for the posters telling you to throw her out??? Seriously? How do you expect to maintain a relationship with your adult kids if you kick them to the curb when they most need you?

The reason she won’t live with her dad is coz her dad won’t allow it cos his wife will complain
she acts like she wants to be a step mum and acts all nice but really is just to her back at me ( our marriage ended due to him cheating with her ) but when it comes to the real hard core parenting she’s not interested. She doesn’t even allow my kids to stay overnight made excuses for years that she needs to buy a sofa bed. The house belongs to both of them her kids from her previous relationship live there but my kids can’t stay overnight he only has them 4 hours a week so she deffo won’t let my 19 year old move in

I’ve read some of the thread and what screams to me is that you’re in victim mode and veer to rescuer mode with the running about after her chores wise. And she’s the persecutor. Classic drama triangle behaviour. Read up on this and stop feeling sorry for yourself. She’s 19. If her behaviour is so bad, ask her to leave. You should not be begging for forgiveness and she shouldn’t be passively aggressively ignoring you and being disrespectful. Nobody is the good guy in this situation but it only takes one person to to step outside the drama triangle and that has to be you. The pranking re results is extremely immature but your response wasn’t remotely kind… Calmly tell her what the consequences of her behaviour will be. She has to pay rent and clean up after herself. Or she leaves. No drama. And get yourself some counselling please.

‘ you should have been emotionally mature enough to know she was testing you’
nah i draw the line at this im not a kind reader wow you guys expect blood

Quit the victim mode. All of your posts are poor me.. get some therapy please! You seem to have the emotional reactions of a teenager yourself.

Stop playing victim. You cannot control others behaviour. All you can do is control what you say and do. The sooner you can accept that the sooner you can all start acting like adults and try and repair the relationship you have with your daughter (although it really reads like you don't care about repairing it at all)

It's not about showing her dad is wrong. Leave his behaviour to speak for itself.

Show you live her. Tell her you love her. Pay an interest in her life.

Do you see a future with NC? Or do you see a future with a relationship with a grown up DD?

You need to move on from this sulking. Carry on normally around her. Let her choose to ignore you. It won't last forever. Don't punish her

I can’t help but feel that the fact you sleep on the sofa contributes to the disrespect you feel. Rather than gratitude that the kids have their bedrooms, it almost sends the message that you’re not worthy of your own space and boundaries. It puts you in a weak position.
If they hear that message from your ex as well, they probably do see you as someone who sidelines their own needs because they’re not important. The message is also dc have more importance in the family hierarchy, than you.
I’m sure you tried to do your best within your circumstances but your family dynamic is off on quite a few levels.
There’s a lot contributing to this and it’s worth you looking at the whole big picture to start to rebalance things.

The house belongs to both of them her kids from her previous relationship live there but my kids can’t stay overnight he only has them 4 hours a week so she deffo won’t let my 19 year old move in

So your DD is trying to deal with her dad's rejection and she tried to provoke a response out of you to test his theory that you don't love her... you've obviously both been dealing with his abusive personality for years and it's driving a wedge between you that will continue getting bigger if you don't tackle it.

Honestly, family therapy together and individual therapy for you both sounds like the basic starting point

This must be a wind up 🙄

I agree with PP that you need family therapy. Your ex has done a number on you as well as your DD. Just as you have suffered from him so has she.
You sound very immature and you need more coping tactics and communication styles in your toolbox.
You need to be able to not accept disrespect without being rude or mean. Also you need to know how to apologise without grovelling (maybe you weren't but it seems to tend towards by repeatedly apologising).

At the very least don't sleep text your DD. Pause and think before saying anything to her.

Weather or not she is a child, she is still YOUR child. The reply to her text about her results, prank or not, was cruel and this is just one example you have given of the way you speak to her and 'support' her. She wants you to love her and you're trying to palm her off on her Dad. She wants your attention and love and support - no matter her age.

Nothing is ever your fault is it OP?

I don’t really place much value on apologies in my house. If one of my family does something to me which they shouldn’t have done and then later apologises, my response is always the same: “thank you for the apology, but I don’t really need one. What I need is for you to show me that you understand how your action made me feel and for me to reassured that this isn’t going to be repeated”.

To me apologies are just words. An easy way out. It’s empathy and actions which count.

So you saying “I’ve apologised” in quite an indigent way, as if that should be good enough, would be just the kind of thing that would have me respond with “And??” If I were your daughter I’d want empathy and action, not a throwaway apology.

To be honest, all your posts sound extremely defensive and like you think of yourself as the victim. I do understand. It sounds like your ex treated you badly and continues to do so. However, this kind of thinking (“why does DD get to do x?” And “what about me?”) isn’t really helping the situation with your DD. I know it’s hard. She is an adult technically but 19 year olds lack emotional
maturity. She’s not had great role models (and I don’t mean that in an unkind way).

If you have any interest in repairing your relationship with your DD, you are going to need a different approach. The current one is clearly not working. You sound like enemies! And all relationships involve two people who need to look at what they can change within themselves before they blame and finger point at the other. You need to ask yourself honestly what you think she needs and what you could do better. You are the adult and the onus is on you to be the more emotionally mature one, as this has not happened overnight. Stop blaming your ex and your DD and look inward. It will help you in the long run. The aggression, defensiveness and blame are not helping you at all.

Try something different.

Kindly OP, my dad used to talk shit about my mum all the time. Every visit since I was 4. Even about my grandma and HER mum. But everything he said about my mum, we didn't see it as she never acted the way he'd made her out to be.

I would also be another to suggest you get counselling. I think you're very damaged from your ex. A damaged person all too easily passes off their damage onto their children, some without ever intending to. My kids prank me all the time. I say be in by midnight (to my 18year old) and he says 'I'll think about it,' or 'we'll see!' but we both know he's just larking about and he's always in on time (unless texted to say he'll be slightly later due to such and such) but it's all relaxed and no annoyance. Your back is up with your daughter and it shows. Rightly or wrongly so but you're feeding her into trolling you. You need to be stronger than that. You need to model stable emotions. You need to have some resilience to her pushing you. Counselling will help with that. This isn't saying Only You Are The Problem etc, it's saying I think you'd benefit from some neutral support, which will help you to help your daughter more sturdily. She's getting damaged from either side. Don't use the 'mum vs dad' narrative with her anymore. It's only you and your daughter you need to focus on.