To think think this is now becoming disrespectful?

[JustSamantha]

so I wrote a post a while ago about my daughter who is 19.
She was not helping round the house or doing anything and also being disrespectful
she has since got an apprentiship that She started this week which is a Positive thing but She is still being disrespectful.
The other week She messaged from her room saying she got her exam Results but She had Failed and That she was so upset and doesnt know what to do. Now with me being half asleep I replied saying "well yoU Skipped Countless lessons so it is not a supprise' as the background is that she didn't try at college she kept skipping lessons not revising or studying at home ect so it was already a sore topic as it is
She then came to me when I was still half asleep and said "I passed really " so I told her i dont beleive she did as I was confused as she just told me she failed plus she has previously lied about passing things before when she didn't
Anyway she fell out with me saying I wasn't showing I was proud she passed so I said sorry I didn't show as much joy as I maybe should have but she told me she failed at first and my brain was still processing that. I hate these pranks it causes confusion to me but at least I apologised and recognised I should have taken the joke but I was half asleep as it was very early. Anyway she won't accept my apology and is giving the silent treatment saying' dad was right about you " I see right through you now" " you will never change"
Her dad degraded me a lot in front of the kids and to them.He told them a Lot of bad things about me that was not true so I am already the bad guy so any tiny mistake I make she will hold a grudge for months and I genuinely have to beg for forgiveness. It takes months to get her to be ok with me over minor things, I ask her to tidy-up after herself she says oh the other kids don't have to even though they are just kids she's 19 so then she will message her dad telling him I treat her differently so I no longer ask her to do anything in the house. She won't even wash her own plate, she today wanted to rub salt in the wounds by saying her and her dad have lunch together on her breaks at her apprentiship. Making digs like oh ill be giving my dad 600 pound of my wages to my dad to save and manage for me as he looks out for me
I asked her dad to have her living with him but he ignored me email, I asked her to move in with her dad she ignores me, am I being unreasonable to think she's taking things too far and I'm not in the wrong to be upset?

So you're punishing her? It serves her right that she knows without a doubt that if she is genuinely struggling with or upset about anything, all she'll get from you is no sympathy and a lecture about how you're the true victim in all of this?

People who have been bullied and abused can quite easily slip into the role of bully and abuser once they aren't as powerless as they used to be - and particularly when they feel they are losing what bits of power they have gained.

As evidenced by your responses on here, you're using attack as the best form of defence. The difficulty with this is that you're adding in a completely scorched earth tactic in deliberately destroying any remnants of a relationship with your child because she cannot be controlled in the same way a small child can be - and cannot be manipulated into accepting an apology she knows you don't mean or chasing you around to grovel for your approval. She's seen that dynamic play out with you and her father; she knows that your feelings of powerlessness were going to be taken out on her, as they are right now.

Nailed it

It isn’t a funny joke to me simple as. After all her messing about a college it wasn’t a joke to me and she knows it it Was disrespectful

You keep asking why your DD pranks you and not her father.
What would be her father's reaction if she pranked him? I'm guessing it would be abusive? So she pranks you instead of him because it's safer, you're the safe person.

Yes she's 19 but people don't magically turn into mature adults just because legally they can vote.

Zoom out and stop taking her behaviour so personally If you want things to change between you.

Pranking you may have been to test you but not in a manipulative way, more like the only way she knows to communicate and find out if you love her and support her unconditionally.

Your poor daughter. And as usual most parents here are ganging up on her. It's your and your husband's failure OP. She's 19. Only 19. She needs guidance, not 'told you so'. She clearly feels confused and unsupported. She was triangulated by her father. Instead of making yourself the victim in this situation OP, your daughter is the true victim here. Everything else is between you and your ex husband. You need to seek support for yourself and not scapegoat your daughter.

Yes, that's precisely what's happening here. She's reacting to a dysfunctional upbringing and is now seen as the problem. No doubt people will be along again and call her a brat. But that's going to be unhelpful if you want to have a functioning, or any relationship with your daughter when she's an adult.

Don’t ever dare try to gaslight me into making me think I’m a bully and an abuser for having a reaction to something to someone has said
disgusting

Yes, fine it’s not funny. Your response was cruel.

And you could give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just playing around, but instead you view it as her waging psychological warfare on you

If my dh made up lies about me and how I was, my dc would never believe it because of what they experience.
There’s a real issue between you and your dd. She’s insecure and that’s why she’s testing you. She wants security and positivity from you.
If I had gone through similar, my first response would be to sympathise and reassure my dc, then much later I would have said “it’s hard to pass if you don’t attend classes. I’m not saying it to have a go because what’s done is done, but just as learning point for future”
In future, engage with her feelings first. Then deal with the telling off.
You can apologise as much as you can but it won’t make a difference yet.
Just remember that the way you make someone feel makes a much bigger impact than what you say or do.

You obviously don't know how to communicate normally. How's your daughter supposed to know then? You seen emotionally immature. How's your daughter supposed to be mature? Where was she supposed to learn it from ? You sort yourself out first and stop projecting your shit onto her. Nothing will be solved by people agreeing with you. It will make you feel better for about five minutes but your relationship with your daughter is damaged. And it's not HER fault.

And I have apologised for my reaction but she doesn’t want to know l

You clearly don’t want advice here OP, lots of people are giving you genuinely good responses but it doesn’t tally up with your victim mentality so you’re being defensive

get rid of her then, she’s 19 and an “adult”. Then when you’re old and bitter you can tell everyone how your evil daughter doesn’t talk to you and you’ve never met your grandkids

or, calm down and read through the replies properly. Right now she needs your help, your support and your love

This is how all your posts end Op.
You get terribly defensive and double down that the entire world is gaslighting you.
We are just disagreeing with you and trying to help. The fact is from the information you have given on here and your responses to any criticism, and jokes as disrespectful, it seems you are not in a good place with your daughter which as the parent is your responsibility to fix and clearly seems at least in part your own fault.
Look into counselling, freedom programme etc.
Or don’t and keep seeing your own daughter and the world as against you, gaslighting you and disrespectful…

It's not. It's absolutely not and she's on the path to becoming abusive emotionally like he is.

Personally, I'd pack her bags and have them waiting for her next time she goes out. She's 19. Tell her she can go live with her dad since he's so great and you're so awful. Put your hand out for her house keys.

She's not a child and she needs to take responsibility for her choices, choices that include being nasty and vile and emotionally abusive, much like her dad, to to you. Choices that include not even doing basic tidying or cleaning up after herself. Choices that include gaslighting you and trying to make you look unsupportive, unkind, etc.

Of course your teenager acts like a petulant teenager when her mother acts like one.
You need to grow up, otherwise you're going to have the same issues with your 4yo.

Then give her time and, more importantly, change your behaviour. Otherwise your apology means nothing.

Your reaction was cruel. I couldn't come back from this within 5 seconds if my mother had done (she would) that and expected me to forget about it as soon as she apologised (she would never). Also, do you really feel how cruel it was inside of you? Do you understand how your daughter must have felt? I'm not sure.

Yes my relationship with her is damaged and UNREPAIRABLE and that is her dad’s fault. I am entitled to say that because it’s fact. If you was told from the age of 12-19 that your mum is all these bad things I’m sure you wouldn’t have a good relationship with your mum either. I have tried over the years to get him to stop and to stop using the 19 year old as a messenger but he continues
when she leaves home he will move onto the next child ( which is already happening with my 14 year old ) and the cycle will continue
if you have never been with a manipulating abuser you won’t understand I can’t change a brainwashed person

OP what do you want to happen? Do you want a relationship with your daughter or do you want her to just leave you alone?

If you want a relationship with her, be the bigger person, draw a line under the past and start focusing on how you can create a healthy atmosphere between the two of you.

If you want her to just leave her alone, ask her to go live with her dad, and continue telling yourself point blank you are right.

All you can do is control your own behaviour. I would be grey rocking any manipulation, game playing or silent treatment while trying to engage positively with any good behaviour.

I think your initial reaction was a bit harsh, so it’s good you’ve apologized for that. But her overall treatment of you is unacceptable and unkind. I think maybe she should be living with her Dad if he’s that amazing! (Although I suspect she knows it wouldn’t be that great in reality, which is why she’s not already) x

Agree. If you are like that generally, it's no wonder your dd played a prank on you.

Not just the 4 year old. From previous posts, there's at least 6 children in this shit show

Like I said, attack. How dare I say something that disagrees with your view of yourself as the victim in all of this, rather than the person who let her true feelings of contempt for her daughter (at least in part for still loving her father) show or at best was foolish enough to fall into the trap that her father laid for you.

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure she won't be coming to you for support anytime soon now you've ensured that she knows you don't care about her feelings and that you merely endure her existence. You've proved her father right about you.

But your actions could prove him wrong. Your behaviour could undermine the things he says by showing your children that whatever he says is wrong.

I agree with other posters, I think you need counselling and to start taking responsibility for your actions. At the moment it seems nothing is your fault.

I am deleting my netmums account and never posting again just a breeding ground for unsympathetic bullies

I would go back to basics.
She already tells her dad all sorts of negative things so stop worrying about that. She is 19 . It doesnt matter what he thinks of you now.
She needs to do her fair share of housework. Even if its just washing her dishes/cleaning up her own mess.
She is to old not to do this.
Its doesnt matter if she moans about it.
Yes the relationship sounds strained. You sound negative towards her and she sounds like she expects it and almost wants it to be that way so she can use it against you.
So thats just going to keep going round and around.
I wouldn't keep saying sorry. One time is enough if you mean it. It just gives her all the power in the relationship. So keeps feeding this dynamic.
She is old enough to take responsibility for how she behaves towards you.
Telling lies for attention is never going to go well. And it sounds like hard work.
Her dad sounds like he loves being her fave but doesnt actually want to deal with her 24/7 . But obviously won't tell her that. Very cowardly and selfish .