To make a 20+ year old share a bedroom?

[Pinkycloud]

I have 4 dc (20 ds, 19 dd, 13 dd, 11 ds). 4 bed house so one room for us and three for kids. For years the youngest two shared. Now youngest is in with us on sofa bed, but this needs to stop. The two girls can’t share, it would literally make all our lives a misery. I think the boys should share but eldest ds not happy and I can see his point. Or do I get youngest two to share again, even though different sex? Or do we spend £20k on garage conversion to get extra room?! Help!

If you can afford a garage conversion I would go for that. Especially if the 20 year old happens to be working and contributing to household expenses.

How long will the oldest ones be living there?
Are there any rooms that can be divided - including yours?
If the DDs definitely can't / won't share then you do one of the following:
Divide a room
Renovate the garage
Go up into the attic
Move house

Of course a 20 yo and an 11 yo can share, why not? If the 20 yo doesn't like it he can get his own place. If he's at home he needs to make sacrifices like everyone else. He's had a room to himself his whole life which is quite lucky.

We've always had to have two share, and had all configurations, but for the last long while my eldest and youngest shared - there is a 12 year differernce between them. They got on pretty well over all. Eldest is just recently moved out on her own, but still stays in her old room with dd8 when she is home. Dd8 loves this and in fact will often abandon her smaller bed to share with dd20 in her double because she misses her so much.

Your son is an adult, he should be able to understand the reason for this and deal with it like any adult.

To be honest the ages mean that the girls and boys need separate spaces. You shouldn't really be expecting kids/adults who have periods, wet dreams etc to be changing and sleeping in a room with the opposite sex. Given the gap in ages, and therefore life stages, I can see why neither of the older ones want to share with a kid! However that is the only option. Age wise there is no less reason why a 20 year old shouldn't share with a 11 year old, than a 19 year old share with an 13 year old, so whichever way round works best. I would say definately garage room or new house longer term. Could any of the rooms be divided?

🙄

OP, I haven't read the full thread but if you can afford the conversion, I would do that. Speaking from first hand experience as the eldest of 3 who had to share with 2 siblings. When I moved out, I was 21 and they were 8 and 6. It was an absolute nightmare. I was at uni, but didn't move out as uni was local, training to be a nurse whilst sharing a room with two children who went to bed at 6-7pm. I had absolutely no privacy or space (unless it was through the day when they were at school and I was off uni). I spent most of my time at my boyfriends house (he's my husband now) and my family used to get pissed off that I was never at home, but couldn't understand why (another story for another time). Anyway, it was shit, and it was their choice to have more children than there was room for.

Why would he have to go to bed at the same time?

The answer to the other two is that he doesn't do them, because it's not appropriate where people have to share. If he wants to do whatever he wants he needs to move out.

I think with ages/gender everyone needs their own rooms. You need a bigger house or less kids OP!

Have you looked into permitted development rights? If you're not in a national park or other pace with its own restrictions you can usually have “ancillary accommodation” rights, so basically a bedroom/bathroom type cabin/garden room allowed in the curtilage of your property. You can buy some lovely ones ready to go, may be cheaper than a garage conversion.

** just to add and to add insult to injury, I had to pay board for this lovely set up!

People are so weird about room-sharing on MN but I think it's a middle class thing. I always shared with my sister, it's what happens when you live in a 2-up 2-down. My mam was one of four, two boys and two girls, and they shared a room until the oldest girl moved out! 15 year age gap between her and her oldest sibling, the other sister.

I think the 20 year old is an adult and has other options of he doesn't like it.

Same, 11 year age gap between me and my sister, shared until I moved out at 19.

My auntie shared a room with her parents in a two-up two-down until her brothers moved out

Um, the answer is in your post. Like most people forever, they afford to move out by sharing with others.

My dd20 (who shared with her much younger sister for many years) moved out to work in the city, initially to a sort of rooming house situation, and now is in a basement flat with two other girls.

The idea that a 20 yo would expect his own place is a bit.... odd.

I feel sorry for your children when they get to that age. Boot them out because there's no room, awful.

I agree. I always shared with my sister, until I went to university. It's the same with only having one bathroom in the house. Some people genuinely don't know how you cope!

What I find interesting is that the reasoning is the elder is an adult who wants to do adult things, but then they are speaking as if they are children who need to be indulged and can't control their own behaviour and be appropriate to the situation.

When I moved out I was in a university hall where we shared with others, people we didn't know, in the same room. When I was in the army I shared with at least a few others, sometimes as many as 10. Had I been a man it would have been a room of 20.

Students at university hated being saddled with roommates who came back and made a fuss at all hours or brought partners back and screwed in the next bed, everyone knew those people were tossers. In the army we didn't put up with that shit anyone who behaved like that would have been told to put a lid on it in short order. Come in quietly, no tv when everyone's in bed, screw in the woods if you have to. Have some bloody consideration for everyone else who is working their asses off all day.

Somehow these kids who are home at 20 can't survive without a playstation at all hours and bringing girlfriends back, as if they are children who need to be indulged.

You kinda have to convert the garage. The age gaps for all the children are far too large for any of them to share.
In the long term it’ll also add value to the house.

Also can everyone stop giving the 20 and 19 year old slack.
It sounds so ridiculously ignorant. Especially since Op hasn’t come back to drip feed anymore info.
Most adult children can’t afford to move out at such a young age anymore, times have changed. Rent is expensive even in house shares now and they are even hard to come by in this current environment.

You can’t expect a 20 year old adult to share with their much younger sibling - especially if they are paying you any form of board/rent as that’s deeply unfair and inappropriate. I’d go with the idea of a conversion if you can afford it or split the biggest bedroom in the house into two then everyone has their own space.

I agree. My 19 year old and 12 year old Son's share. Their 16 year old Sister has a small box room. We rent our house, so expanding is not an option. Four bedroom houses are extortionate to rent where we are.

I can't see anything wrong with that arrangement.

What are they then?

I think you'd need to explain what the 19 and 20 year olds are doing at home.
Are they both in full time education?
Are they doing apprenticeships?
Are they working? Part time? Full time?
Are they contributing financially?

I think your youngest 2, the 13DD and 11DS, who will obviously be in full time education, need their own space as a priority at this point in time, as it's clear your 19 and 20 year olds got their own spaces at those ages while the now 13/11 year olds had to share to accommodate them even though they are boy/girl.

It's time for the 19 and 20 year olds to present a plan to find their own space if you no longer have it for them and they're out of school. Or they can find a way to cleverly split the biggest room in the house. And perhaps help fund a room conversion somewhere while they cleverly room split. BUt it's their turn to find the solution. Perhaps they can even rent a couple of rooms somewhere together so they're not entirely off on their own.

Those are excellent points, @TempestTost .
I shared a bedroom with my sister, then I went to university and shared a room with a stranger. We learned to get on and compromise. I really don't know why siblings can't do the same.

I agree with this. It feels like young adults these days somehow get it both ways - the advantages of being adults but looked after and indulged like they are children.

It's the younger children who I think should be the priority here

I don't know why people talk as if 20 year olds have always found it easy to leave home. It's never been easy. I left home at 19 working minimum wage and it was anything but easy.