To make a 20+ year old share a bedroom?

[Pinkycloud]

I have 4 dc (20 ds, 19 dd, 13 dd, 11 ds). 4 bed house so one room for us and three for kids. For years the youngest two shared. Now youngest is in with us on sofa bed, but this needs to stop. The two girls can’t share, it would literally make all our lives a misery. I think the boys should share but eldest ds not happy and I can see his point. Or do I get youngest two to share again, even though different sex? Or do we spend £20k on garage conversion to get extra room?! Help!

As a PP said, this all depends a bit on what the 19 and 20 year old are doing at home.

If either are away at university, then sharing in the holidays is just something either/both will have to put up with.

If they are studying at home, they need space to study, and it sounds as though you will need to convert the garage.

If they are working then it is fair to ask them for a financial contribution, but then that should entitle them to their own space, and you can put the money towards converting the garage.

The girls should share a room as close in age.

spending £20k because they can’t rub along amicably is madness. Unless you can afford it then crack on.

20yr old needs to be thinking of moving out. They need to share for now and if they don't like it, they go. It's the natural order of things.

If the 19yr old is causing problems with behaviour (you mentioned the girls can't share) then she needs to be moving in the direction of finding her own place too.

Realistically adults can only remain in the overcrowded family home if they're willing to accept they're lucky to still be there, chip in with utilities costs and behave respectfully, instead of acting like entitled dickheads who are owed housing by their parents forever more. At the end of the day if they're allowed an extended adolescence, living at home as if still 15 into their 20s or 30s, then they've no real incentive to move out. Time for the oldest two to grow up and start acting like the adults they are.

Garage conversion or lose a reception room if separate or the two girls share. Could the two girls have the largest room and you put up some kind of divider? Lots of stuff on the internet to make them like two separate rooms. Then you have next size bedroom and the two boys the smaller rooms

Of course the 20 year old can share with an 11 year old. I shared with my sister who was 8 years younger than me up until i left hone to get married. It was fine.

Sadly these days unless you have a partner it’s pretty much impossible to save for a deposit.
No it's not. Depends on where in the country you are. Working full time, even at only minimum wage is £25k once 21. Take home = approx £21500. If you're living at home you should easily be able to save £4k out of that and still have more than 80% of your salary left) and if you put it in a h2b LISA you get an extra £1000 from the govt. 5 years of £5k = £25k = 10% deposit on £250,000. There aren't many places (particularly outside of the SE) where you can't get a 1bed flat for that. Or even just save half of that or take twice as long and it's still a 5% deposit which is fine for most mortgages.

OP, is the 19 year old away at uni? If so, it makes most sense for the two girls to share.
No it doesn't? If he's away at uni then the room will be empty most of the time so it makes more sense for him and his brother to share because they won't actually be sharing most of the time. In your scenario DS2 would have his own room, DD1 & 2 would be sharing and DS1s room would be sitting empty most of the year, that's ridiculous.

OP I think the garage conversion is the way to go, (unless there's a dining room or the biggest room can be split into 2 or something) with either the 2 boys or the 2 girls sharing until then. It's really unfair for an 11 year old to still be sharing with his parents, so you need to do something. You also can't make the 2 youngest share now they've reached puberty. I can appreciate why DS1 is unhappy but honestly, tough luck. He's an adult and has had years of his own room. His siblings don't deserve less than him just because they came after. I'd also say 'tough luck' to the 2 girls sharing 'making everyone's lives a misery' but in fairness to DD2 she had to share a room with her brother for years.

I think it's fair you prioritise the younger 2, particularly DS2 now. The oldest 2 are adults and have had the luxury of their own rooms for years. They have options if they aren't happy with the living situation you can offer them, the younger two don't.

Ultimately OP, your oldest 2 are old enough to be part of the solution. If neither of them wishes to share a room, they need to be working towards a solution. Whether that looks like them moving out, negotiating with siblings, knuckling down and contributing to a conversion (whether via DIY, financially or both) - it's up to them. They're both adults, they can work with you to solve the problem.

Well he obviously wouldn’t have to but if he comes home at 2am from clubbing then it’s not going to be great for the 11 year old!
It’s easy to just say he wouldn’t be able to do these things or that he’d have to move out but that’s easier said than done. My children (both in their 20’s), haven’t got a hope in hell of affording their own places right now.

That's a good idea. If it has en suite and separate entrance then the son can rent it, and when he leaves, daughter could take it or they can rent it to someone else or do Air B&B. So you could recoup the cost over time.

This is what I did.

The 20yo son can share with the 11yo son for a year and then the 19yo dd can share with the 13y dd for a year. My sister shared with older sister with a 10 year age gap, it was fine.

Are any of the older dc going to university?

Agree with this. When I got married one of my friends was still sharing a room with her sister in the parental home. It was just how it had to be.

If possible I'd divide rooms or look at a garage conversion but, at 20, is he likely to be home long enough to make it worthwhile?

If you can afford it, convert the garage? It’ll add value to the property, eldest can move in there…when he moves out eventually, you could get a lodger or air BnB it? I wouldn’t ask the older kids to share, they need their own space at that age..

Exactly. People just did it anyway. Nobody assumed a God given right to be at university until 23. If you couldn't afford to go because you needed to work full time to pay your rent and bills, then that's how it was and you just got on with it. If you couldn't afford to rent a one bedroom flat, you shared a larger flat with others, strangers even, some of whom you may not have particularly liked. Or you lodged in your landlord's home, in a room with shared facilities.

People these days are so entitled. Wanting the life of a successful 30 something, in an Instagram worthy home no less, when they're barely out of their teens. Thinking they should live in the family home until they can afford what they want instead of getting on with their lives as full adults by moving out and making do, like adults have to. It's ridiculous the parents spending 20k on a garage conversion they neither want nor need, just to avoid the 20yr old having to behave like the adults they are.

Anyway, pretty sure I've read this exact thread before. If it's the same poster, two of the DC are hers, two her DPs, the house is owned and hers, and the DP would be the one paying for the garage conversion. She was told on her other thread not to do it because it'll give him a claim on her house, putting her into a shitty financial situation should she ever split with the freeloading cocklodger. It's madness.

I never understand this!
Your two sons or two daughters can share!… christ presumably they’re not sent to their rooms for hours and hours on end, they’re only sleeping in it! The youngest go to bed at x time and the oldest go elsewhere in the house till they’re asleep and then they go to bed and sleep!
The boys should’ve been sharing years ago while your son was too young to have a proper day about it!
if you can afford to convert the garage I’d be doing that… however you elder two that are refusing to share their room with their siblings don’t get to put claim on the conversion which will presumably be bigger than the other rooms!…. I’d be converting the garage with a view of that being your master room … possibly with an ensuite .. and you should have that room!…
your room presuming it’s the largest currently becomes either your youngest sons room being that he’s the one that’s had to share his whole life and had to bunk in with you! Or your youngest daughters…. It makes sense for the largest room to be decorated for one of the youngest kids since they’re going to be there the longest… and possibly still have toys?

Sofa bed in living room for parents each kid one room each

Convert the garage………fairer all round in the long run. If the two girls cannot share without WW3 erupting I feel it’s your only option. Plus, when the 20+ leaves home you’ll have the benefit of a guest room/study.

I seem to recall that thread too. If it’s not the same one, it’s very similar.

Why on earth should the parents give up their bedroom?! Just because kids are unable to share?
I wouldn't indulge that nonsense.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.
or else plan your families better if you are insistent on everyone having their own rooms

Basically this!!

needs must

I know some very large families. More kids than OP has. They have a girls room and a boys room and a parent room. It works, though none of them have ever got used to having their own.

Room sharing just goes with the territory of big families.

I was one of 4 girls, we always had to share. We split by personality rather than age which happened to be middle 2 together and youngest & oldest together. Oldest then went off to uni and continue to share in hols only.

You should factor in why your 20yo is still at home and how long that is likely to last. Without knowing that, or why the girls can't share, it is difficult to suggest anything else specific.

How big is the biggest room? Could you adjust the walls to create 5 smaller rooms? I assume no dining room or extra reception room/office/playroom downstairs?

If none of the above apply and you can stretch to it, I'd convert the garage. In the meantime, could you split the biggest room (even if that's your room) using ikea kallax units or similar (so quite temporary)? Put one of the boys in each side and then when the garage is done the eldest can have that.

You don't have enough space to house your adult children.

They need to move out.