Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

Why?

I honestly don’t think being part of a loving and faithful marriage is in any way a top trump card- it should be the bare minimum. That’s the whole point.

If OP isn’t happy then absolutely leave, separate, nobody should be in a relationship they aren’t happy in because life really is far too short to be miserable. But this IS cheating, signing up to a dating website, chatting with other people to the point that intimate photos/videos are being exchanged is not acceptable behaviour and it’s a cliche as old as time, if you’re unhappy with the affection/attention your partner gives you then leave and then do whatever you want. Sign up to dating sites, go speed dating, meet people in person, online, absolutely anything and that’s great for you- but end your marriage first.

you don’t sign up to a dating website because you want someone to talk to

I don't mean any side to this, but if you're feeling shit and your husband is making you feel unwanted, I can see why someone might just want to feel
like someone, anyone, might be attracted to her and have a bit of badinage with a random bloke.

Obviously not ideal or sensible, but not a hanging offence.

This is the female version of the script

No it's not. It's a reaction to the script.

I did something similar earlier this year. But it was on Reddit, so not as extreme as joining a dating website, which I have to say wouldn't have crossed my mind.

Conversations about shared hobbies (on hobby subs) led to sexual conversations, which led to me sharing some underwear photos - with several guys. Thank god, I never fully lost my senses and shared any nudes, nor my face.

I was honestly loving the attention. To have people tell me that I had an amazing body, and pay me all of these compliments was really intoxicating. Especially as I have a husband whose stock compliment has always been that I look "lovely" - never anything else and never anything more.

I realised what I was doing was wrong, and swore to delete my Reddit account and never tell DH (and would have 100% got away with it), but had such severe anxiety one day (I suffer from it), the guilt and anxiety made me tell him.

He was furious and hurt, but forgave me after a short while and we moved on. It came at a very difficult time when there was all sorts going on in our life, and I had a massive hormone surge at the same time as feeling a bit depressed about getting older. I own what I did wrong, and I couldn't have forgiven DH so easily if the situation was reversed.

We've made some changes in our marriage - one being I've made clear that I shamelessly want more exotic compliments than being told I look "lovely"!

But joining a dating website, OP. It's literally only got one purpose, what were you thinking?

Can’t believe you said all that about what you did (several guys), and then ended by judging OP on the basis that she used a dating website and you only did it on Reddit 😂

Do you genuinely want to save your marriage or are you just in a state of remorse/guilt about sending pictures/videos to a stranger on the Internet?
The long and short of it is, you dont genuinely love your husband because if you did, you wouldn't have done this. That's ok but hard to admit to yourself and no amount of guilt will change that.

My advice is that you need to leave and move on with your life, no matter how hard it may seem at the moment. People cheat for a reason. You have a reason. It wasn't right to do what you've done but your marriage is over.
If you decide to stay and work on your marriage you have two choices:

1. Come clean and he will probably leave you anyway. If he doesn't, it will ALWAYS be used against you in every argument forevermore. You could waste years of 'trying' only for the marriage to end anyway.
2. Don't say anything and the guilt will eat you up and destroy you like a cancer, especially if things start to improve in your relationship. There is also the constant fear of being found out at any point years down the line. This will fuck with your conscience if you have any moral fibres left in your body.

If you leave the marriage, if there's a chance you can save your husband from knowing you cheated, at least spare him that detail. He could live the rest of his life without the extra hurt of that detail no matter how shit of a husband he was.

I want to tell him because of the guilt I feel

Sack off the guilt. He's making you feel shit about yourself. He's the one who should feel guilty.

Can't imagine why communication is an issue in the OPs house with the level of the replies here...

It was more a "how the hell will you explain this" comment.

Exchanging videos? Like what?

Wanking probably

I wouldn't say you are a stupid idiot. You just want to be loved and there is nothing wrong with that. Your partner must be miserable to make you seek affection from the Internet. He needs to love you properly. Have you done anything else or just the dating app?

Purposefully playing with fire I'd say.

I’m sorry, you don’t think your children are relevant when you upend your marriage???????

urgh.

So in what way do you feel you’re stupid and have ruined your life? You seem very defensive, deny cheating and claim its no big deal where your children are concerned.

"make"?

This is on the OP. Noone made her do anything.

I feel sorry for you if you think a mistake such a sending a few photos actually ruins your entire life.

How do you manage when you have REAL problems?

It's not great, it's not something to be proud of, but life-changing event? really?

Nothing wrong with ending a marriage if you’re unhappy, and you clearly are. But you should have ended it first, before going on dating sites. It’s a bit crap to do it while still in a relationship/marriage.

It's selfish to tell him just to ease your own guilt. Don't tell him and try to sort out why your marriage isn't working, or tell him and blow up your marriage. Maybe you secretly want that to happen.

Life ruining? No. But marriage ending? Yep.

I’m incredibly thankful to have been raised by parents who taught us about our worth, the same way I’m raising my children, and I certainly deserve better than for my husband to be signing up to dating websites & exchanging photos and messages with other people. So yes, that would be marriage ending.

Again, that should literally be the bare minimum you expect from your spouse.

Ok👍🏼

He finds your weight so unattractive he can only bring himself to have sex with you twice a week. A prince among men indeed.

Christ, the double standards on this thread...

I cannot imagine the comments a man would receive if he was the OP... instead, it's just 'never mind, sounds like he deserved it' 🙄