Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

Your post reads like you have done this knowing that you will own up and then the marriage will have to end. Like you created a scenario that you know will end your marriage becuase you are so unbearably unhappy and can not for whetever reason discuss it with your husband.
I think you need to own up to yourself that you want out, stand up for what you really want and tell him its over and you want to split up.

This.

You can’t leave him, so you want to force him to leave you.

I had a friend do the same. Really stupid thing to do as this allowed him to hold her bad behaviour over her for the last 15 years and counting while also portraying himself as the wounded party. Would have been so much better if she’d just said what she thought…”you are a selfish, moaning arse of a man, I can do better, so I’m off! There is no one else involved… but now I’m free there soon will be”.
Sadly she lacked the confidence to do this so had to create a mess of her own making for him to solve by kicking her out.
Is this what you are unconsciously doing OP. If so don’t.

Everyone on here is so vicious. Imagine someone using you for sex twice a week and then making you feel bad about your body. It's disgusting that your husband has done that after you have had his children. If anything he sounds horrible. I am not saying that you couldn't have approached this better however who is anyone to judge. I'm sorry you feel so low you clearly are feeling unloved and you are dealing with a lot. Parents of children with special needs in my opinion are superheroes because no one will know your struggles unless they have been there. Forgive yourself a moment of wanting some self worth worth years of someone taking it away mentioning your body. I think sadly though this is the end of your relationship but make it on your terms. You don't have to own up but no one should be making you feel so low nevermind your husband who see's what you do everyday and depletes your self worth through comments about your weight. My partner has made me feel sexy at my biggest and at my lowest and is my biggest cheerleader because he's in love with my personality. You should have this. You don't deserve the backlash your getting here at all this is such a vicious site sometimes. Be kind to yourself and put yourself and your children first if that means leaving your husband for your own peace then do so. If it looks like loosing weight for your own happiness and confidence then do so but I will say for someone who has lost weight for a man before the resentment never leaves either or the things said they echo in your brain long after. Don't admit what you did it will be no good for anyone it was a silly thing to do but your husband is probably watching porn so people could debate the ethics of that in a relationship but draw a line under it for a better future for your self and your kids and put your needs and wants first.

Do you think you’re the only person who’s ever fucked up?
Oh you sweet summer child.
Allow me to introduce you to fuckedupville.
Only idiots are welcome here. ❤️
We’re open all night for your ranting pleasure.
And we know how to keep secrets. 🔒

I would agree with this

How do they keep out of it? You've put them squarely in the middle of it.
Honestly, I can see you're unhappy and nobody should have to stay in an unhappy marriage.
But joining a dating site etc isn't the way to deal with it.
You need to decide what you want going forward. This isn't about telling your DH because you feel guilty. It's about talking to him about what you want. And if that's a divorce then that's ok but the time to start joining dating sites is after you're split up not before.

Just break things off why would you stay with a man who you say berates you when innocent now that you’ve done even more to piss him off? Why do you expect him to like you after this?

I have higher standards than you, so the bare minimum would not be made to feel unloved and be in the situation in the first place, but you do you.

Op, these things happen. It’s not right but they Happen….
To move forward, put this to the side for now, talk to your husband about how to fix the marriage, if it’s fixable, say nothing and hope it never gets out- if it’s not fixable, still Say nothing and just deny it if it gets out.

If I were you, if you feel like doing it again or continuing it on, you need to leave or hearts will get broken 💔

This. Had OP left out the online dating detail there would have been nothing but support here for her to leave an abusive arsehole who uses her for sex a couple of times a week but makes her feel bad about her body the rest of the time.

If the sanctimonious posters here accusing her of cheating can’t figure out that OP is at rock bottom and not thinking straight, and have some sympathy for it, then I really don’t know why anyone bothers to post on MN for support. This is absolutely not the same as men using dating websites behind their wives backs - that’s simply for sex. I suspect OP used one, not so much for someone to talk to, but as confirmation that she is still attractive and desirable - hence the anonymous photos. Yes, it absolutely was wrong but her DH has to take responsibility for his part in where she ended up.

Yup - some new moves will confuse him

That is a terrible thing to say. People who are mean, nasty, neglectful - or whathaveyou - to their spouses are NOT like that before they've got you, and they intersperse those times with many good times. Thank your lucky stars you've never met anyone like that, because people who have, always talk about being manipulated so slowly and intermittently that they think they're imagining it...until it's too late. Pregnancy is a classic, well-established time when a partner can reveal their true colours. I've also seen some men have mid-life crises and turn into complete strangers.

When OP talked about when they were dating, she was probably remembering the bad times, not the times he swamped her with his good self. Some people really are Jekyll and Hyde.

As for your superior and hurtful attitude, just remember that pride comes before a fall.

Why don’t you separate the constituent parts of the situation EG the part you have
played regardless of what others have done if you have been selfish dishonest or resentful you can opt to change your behaviour different things will happen
if you keep reacting in the same way you will keep recycling the same results
if you can’t add anything to resolving a situation it’s best to remove yourself

Forget what he thinks about your body.

How do you feel about your body? If you don’t feel positive perhaps it’s time for change. Perhaps building on your self confidence and respect will help you come to a decision about your marriage and whether it’s right for you.

You won’t find what you seek on a dating site. Delete it. I don’t see anything to be gained here from telling your husband.

You really should have read the entire exchange. This comment wasn’t aimed at OP, it was aimed at a poster who was sneering and judgmental of her.

So, I ended up telling him. I know some posters recommended me not to but I suffer with severe anxiety and the guilt was making me feel ill. I didn’t tell him to ease my conscience, I just felt like he had a right to know and I knew I would really struggle if I kept it from him. Every time I looked at him I’d cry from guilt.

He is understandably angry and not speaking to me which I deserve. Not looking for sympathy although it may come across that way, but I really do hate myself and his reaction is valid.

He said he hopes the man leaks the videos and blackmails me. He accused me of laughing when he was shouting at me but I really wasn’t. He said he’d punch my head in if I laughed again.

Maybe telling him wasn’t the right thing to do but for me personally there was no way I’d have been able to keep it from him without making myself ill.

Thanks to the posters on here who didn’t judge me

Crikey op, I am sorry you have got into this horrible situation. Sending you bucket loads of sympathy 🫂

Please, please stop blaming yourself. You're not a bad person, you just did a silly thing. Not a terrible thing, not a crime. Please put aside all this guilt you are carrying.

Your husband has no right to shout at you. Did he acknowledge his part in this? That his failure to treat you with love and respect has done irreparable damage to your marriage?

Do you have someone nearby, friend or family, that you can talk to? You need support right now. I hope you can find someone who can help you get out of this toxic relationship.

So did you confess everything? I can't believe he said he'd punch your head in thats shocking. A man should never say that to his wife under any circumstances. I agree with MrsJeanLuc is there anyone nearby you can talk to. Surely you have someone close who may understand what you're going through.

@Farmerwife2 yep. I had to, or at least I felt like I had to. I couldn’t speak to my parents I don’t think (especially not my dad anyway) I could possibly speak to my mum but as lovely as she is, I do think she’d judge. Plus she loves DH so that wouldn’t help.

I have been speaking to a friend about it all and she’s been really lovely and supportive about it so at least I do have someone

Bless you. Ok that's good that you have a freind who knows about all this. When are you seeing you're freind again? Have you spoken to your freinds since confessing everything?

@Farmerwife2 I told her over the phone as she moved last year a couple of hours away. I don’t get to see her a lot, maybe 3/4 times a year but she said she’s coming up here in September to see her family so she’ll come and see me she said.

I spoke to her earlier on today. She thinks I should leave him. She knows how he treats me

Ok well your freinds probably knows more about your situation which is good and that you have her to confide in.
My advice would he to get out the house for a bit to clear my head if not today then tomorrow. You've been through a lot emotionally. When I went through this with my DP we had a bit of time apart to calm down. We meet back up after a few days to speak like adults. Do you have anyone else nearby to go stay with or at least hang out with for a bit so you can clear your head? Are you at home now with your DP?

@Farmerwife2 good advice thank you. He’s out today/night on a stag do so we have some time apart today. I’ll see how things are tomorrow. I have a few options on where I could go tomorrow for a while

Ok good. What's he doing tomorrow? Probably not the best idea to be around him while he's angry and hungover. So I would leave early, Let him wake up with a headache and think about why you've told him everything. Don't feel guilty.
Get out for a bit, go see another freind if you have anyone nearby and clear your head ! :)