Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

Op you need to leave. He's abusive. Irregardless of the pictures you've sent and the cheating etc this marriage is toxic and harmful. He's threatening you with physical violence, he's emotionally abusive and verbally abusive.

Yes he has the right to be angry and hurt by how you've handled things, but threatening physical violence is never ever a "valid" reaction. He is not an innocent party in the wider context of your marriage and he needs to be held accountable for his abuse.

Well it depends doesn’t it ? If your DH went online to a dating site with the intention of having extra marital sex and exchanged photos to that end, then yes, it would be the end of most marriages I would think.

But a woman in a miserable marriage with an abusive husband whose attitude to sex is to use her like a blow up doll and then criticise her body and make her generally feel worthless, may well have different reasons for doing so. Like looking for reassurance that she’s still attractive to someone.

This. Most sensible and objective post here.

Lovely bit of victim blaming there. Almost missed it, it was so well disguised.

No victim-blaming the only person who we can change is ourselves once we are sure that our own side of the street is clean it is easier to move forward
even if you are a victim it’s important to look at any part you have played to enable the situation even unwittingly it’s called the universal law of cause and,effect

How was today? Have you had another talk with your DP? Hope things will start to work out for you now whatever the outcome.

@Farmerwife2 We had a huge talk, I explained how he makes me feel and for once he listened, apologised and told me he would change. He also told me a few ways that I could make the relationship better and I also agreed and promised to change.

I still feel awfully guilty but I think the talk between us helped massively

I hope all works out the way you want it to.

I am absolutely baffled by the idea that someone who says they have no confidence and low self esteem because of comments about their weight, as well as severe anxiety, would ever find themselves sending nude photos to random men on the internet. I would have thought you'd be the last sort of person to want to do that.

In situations like this, when I hear women say 'I only did it to boost my confidence' I always think 'No love, your confidence is just fine. You did it because you crave attention and you think you deserve more that you currently get.'

Someone with low confidence in their looks or their desirability wouldn't dream of going fishing for compliments. Putting themselves out there to be judged and rated is the last thing someone with low self esteem would do.

Well he took this news remarkably well for someone who you've made out to be abusive and awful.

Why baffling ? The only reason OP has low confidence is because her DH criticises her body and makes her feel worthless. The nude photos were anonymous, and they weren’t put out there to ‘fish for compliments’. It makes perfect sense to me that having been treated no better than a blow up doll by a verbally abusive husband, OP would seek validation that she’s attractive to others. Not the best way to get it, but understandable.

You said * ’In situations like this, when I hear women say 'I only did it to boost my confidence' I always think 'No love, your confidence is just fine. You did it because you crave attention and you think you deserve more that you currently get.'* Why would you apply this to OP’s situation ? From what she’s said she gets precious little attention as it is so it’s not the same thing at all. I don’t think you’re baffled at all. Just plain judgemental and totally devoid of any understanding.

It’s very possible that the realisation that OP took such drastic action as a result of his actions and how they made her feel has shocked him, and that’s probably why he’s taken it on board so easily. The reaction of someone who is intentionally abusive will be very different to someone who doesn’t realise that they are abusive until it’s brought home to them. And let’s not forget, OP did say he was angry, so it wasn’t all plain sailing.

Her husband makes comments about her weight. She may be pissed off with him for doing that, but it's clearly not affecting her self esteem that deeply if she's happy to send nude photos to other men. Women who have a sense of self loathing over their appearance don't do that.

You’re certainly no psychologist are you ?. And your scorn isn’t even thinly veiled. If you think OP acted like a slut and is now making excuses why don’t you just come out and say it, because that’s what you’re implying.

Sorry but you don’t know me or how my mind works. I’m not going to explain myself to you

That’s not how it works, at least not for everyone.

Are you seriously baffled or are you just being nasty?

On the off-chance that you are being serious, I think someone with low self esteem can fairly easily be "love bombed" by an exploitative stranger on the internet and, enjoying what seems like the positive attention she's been missing, be persuaded to do something foolish. Whereas someone with more self-confidence would be quicker to recognise that they were being manipulated.

@pam290358 @MrsJeanLuc thank you both so much for understanding and showing kindness. It’s been a horrible few days (my fault, I know) but knowing that there are people out there who aren’t judging my stupid decision and not making me feel like a monster has meant a lot

Well if he keeps making comments about your weight when you have sex no wonder your confidence is at rock bottom. You shouldn’t have cheated (yes what you did counts as cheating in my book), but I can understand how you got to that point. If he’s willing to go for therapy with you maybe you can rebuild your manage, but to be honest I’m not sure it’s worth it. Whatever you’ve done, he really doesn’t sound very nice and I think leaving him is probably the best thing for you.

If i know anything about anxiety, keeping something your embarrassed and/or regretful about only makes your anxiety worse. Ignore the people who don't understand you OP. I can see why you needed to tell him, you told him for your own sanity. Hopefully this has been a wake up call for both of you and you can move forward. As painful as it is, Its moments like these that make a couple wake up to what they really want. Best wishes x

@farm Thank you, you’ve been lovely too x

commitment to change in the future to maintain the status quo have alarm bells ringing this is what coercive controllers say
promise of change in the future doesn’t resolve what’s now it isa way of deflecting any action that needs to be taken- what is he doing in real terms to resolve the situation people rarely change without a major shift in their fortunes major loss etc which creates the vacuum necessary for a new approach to life
you have to decide on a course of action
once you have done that you will have endless support

This. I really can’t believe the lack of empathy for on this thread for an OP who is clearly going through a difficult time. I’m encouraged by the updates, and I think possibly her DH may not have been aware of the way his actions made OP feel. Hopefully the dialogue they have opened up will lead to a better understanding of each others’ needs.

Don’t beat yourself up OP. I really don’t think you cheated in the traditional sense. I think the way your DH made you feel led you to look for positive reinforcement elsewhere. A dating site and some anonymous photos is the lesser of many evils.

There have been many very sad stories from women driven to affairs to get the affirmation they are seeking. You didn’t do that, and clearly your conscience got the better of you before any permanent damage was done, and I think maybe your DH has been more reasonable than you expected because he’s realised, not only that his actions have led you to this, but that it could have been much worse and resulted in the end of your marriage. I do hope you manage to resolve things so that both of you find what you need in each other.x

I think ‘walk a mile in my shoes’ is appropriate here. OP has clearly been through a lot and this experience, once confessed, seems to have brought her DH to his senses. Hopefully they can build on that.