Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

Am I correct in thinking that you sent racy pictures of yourself but your face wasn't showing? It did not progress to in person?

It’s not “double standards” unless you have the same people replying the same things to a man in the exact same situation.

Staying with someone who leaves you feeling completely unloved is how you’ve ruined your life. The affair is a pretty awful way to deal with it, but whether you had the affair or not, your life would not be in a good way.

You could try coming clean to your DH and seeing if you can rebuild your marriage, if you really want to, but I expect it’s too late. Sounds like he’s fallen out of love for you and you for him. I doubt there’s enough good will there to overcome an affair. You’ll most likely get to a good place faster by accepting that your DH is no longer someone you should be in a relationship with. Get some relationship counseling with a view to separating as amicably as possible, split up, and start rebuilding a life you can lead with integrity.

With re: whether OP “cheated” or not…

I think there’s “adultery” and there’s “cheating.” Adultery is having sexual intercourse with someone who is not your committed partner; cheating is doing anything that violates your committed partner’s explicit boundaries.

Like, if your DP is okay with you sending pics to people you met on a dating site, then it’s not cheating if you do it. If s/he is not okay with it… then it’s cheating.

Ok Ill admit Ive not rtf - too many pages and its going to be a lot of posts jumping on you

Which isnt what you need if you are that bad that you are posting on here

Look, you have meddled online, got caught up with the attention and realise now its all bullshit

So its painful and embarrassing and you feel like shite

The worse is that is now making you question what's wrong and right in your real time relationship

This is where you need to focus

You CAN NOT CHANGE how another person thinks, feels , reacts , behaves to you

You can only change your behavior and reaction

If you honestly feel all this came about because of your weight - do something - try healthy eating and learning good habits

If you think its deeper then that, you need to either learn how to talk to your DH or turn to professionals for help to talk

Because communication really is the only way forward

What do you mean they aren’t relevant to this situation?

If my DH cheated on me the first thing I would bring up would be my children and if he considered them when ripping our family apart. Give your head a wobble OP.

Leave him, you clearly hate him and don’t want to do anything to address this.

Leave your husband, then.

Don’t tell him and throw some new moves in the bedroom to shake up

If you read only the OP’s comments, this is an oddly entertaining thread.

have you not read how HE is making op feel with his comments? he is lucky he is getting what he is.

Well... You've made a mistake. You've admitted it. That's a good start.

I'm not going to judge you as you'll be judging yourself right now.

Humans are flawed and they do stupid things unfortunately.

What you need to do now is shut the account down immediately, block the bloke and concentrate on what's led you to this.

Usual suspects are : unmet needs.
You need to figure out and do some soul searching on what your unmet needs in your marriage are.

Once you've figured them out, you need to work out how to address them, and if they can be addressed.

You could tell your DH everything in a heart to heart. But always bear in mind whether you're telling him to relieve your own guilt. Because that's not the best circumstances to confess in.

Personally, I'd put it all behind you. Vow to never ever do anything like that again and work on what's got you to that point.

Good luck.

I’d hardly say OP is getting an easy time here …. How many replies did you have to trawl through to get that one single reply so you could make that point. … like I say… no one on here has exactly gone easy on her. Get a grip.

Never once encountered a scammer of any nationality that I know on apps.

They’re there no doubt, but wouldn’t say there they are the “main people”, but I have met a lot of married men!

The signs are there and I wish the married people would just stay of dating sites.

op is a perfect case of married folk going on purely for validation and wasting peoples time . It’s why I do not text for long on there. I check if they’re sane as far as I can through some texting or a call but then I used to say if you want to get to know me set up a date.

Why would you tell him? If you want to end the marriage, you can still do this. If you want to stay in the marriage, have an honest conversation with him and tell him you want and need things to change.

Confessing to what you did will not make you a better person - not that what you've done is so terrible after all. There are things that should remain secret, as telling would not change a thing, or benefit anyone.

Just to be clear I do agree scammer or not OP should not have done what she done.

Even me when I was single wouldn’t have dreamed of sending those kind of pics to some random unidentified person. They could be a minor for all I know. Or a sex offender. Or married etc

I don’t see how it boosts confidence to have some man objectify you and willing to exchange racy pics and videos. It’s sad how many women rely on “male validation” in the form of objectification. That’s how desperate many women are.

I want my partner to want me - not any old man. If my partner doesn’t desire me I would address that but in the meantime, the fix will never be some person that I’ve never even met and could be anyone ogling over my x-rated photos.

Seconding what others have said.
If a woman came in here and said they'd found out their DH had done the above, there would be a mob gathered by sundown to burn everything he holds dear.

I think you need to own up and deal with the consequences

You don’t join a dating site for someone to talk to. You were more likely looking for validation, to feel attractive to someone, and maybe a bit of revenge.

If your bf is shit and mean to you, end tje relationship. You don’t need to talk to him to address concerns - it should be patently obvious to him that you don’t constantly slag your partner off about their weight. It’s just nasty. He wouldn’t be getting within 10 feet of me with that behaviour never mind 1-2 a week.

No they're not

I accidentally exchanged nudes on OLD when I just wanted to talk is a new one. It’s giving the people who come into a&e saying “I slipped whilst hanging the curtains naked and landed on the remote”.

Firstly, stop making excuses for what you’ve done. If you want to move forward then you need to be honest with yourself about what you’ve done. Secondly, think long and hard if your relationship really is worth trying to salvage. Thirdly, think about why you want to tell him. Is it so you can finally have the kind of honest and open conversation you should have had before sharing your boobs on tinder, or is it just to make yourself feel better because you feel guilty? Lastly. Stop acting like this was all a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice you made.

Well you’ve signed up to a dating site and then engaged with someone, you’ve 100% cheated (comments and issues outside of what have happened might be YOUR lead up but it don’t justify the cheating) I’m not saying there’s no way forward but you need to be honest about what you have done, how you’ve recently felt, and if you both want to continue with the marriage how that will look

No, not necessarily. Samaritans are for people who need to talk about problems confidentially.

There is plenty of help available for people in your situation. Samaritans,marriage guidance to mention only two. A dating app is not one of them.
Your marriage is in a bad way by the sound of it.. we only have your side of the story. Maybe your husband is also unhappy. A nasty comment though on your weight. Do you have arguments?Better to talk to him before it is too late.

No they're not.

I was trapped in a bad marriage thousands of miles from home with a husband who bullied me relentlessly about my weight and then eventually walked out on me. I remained faithful and I wish I hadn't, it would have made no difference in the end and I wasted my best years. Not gonna judge you, OP.

When I eventually started to date again, about 18 months after he left, I met a handful of men who didn't care about my weight and brought me back to life. It really was like having cool water poured down my throat having been dying of thirst for a decade.

The whole experience made me see that sometimes affairs can be psychologically healthy and can save someone's MH, even though they are morally wrong. Maybe I wouldn't have been so devastated by the end of my marriage if I'd had positive attention from elsewhere to balance out the abuse my husband put me through.

He was so awful and I stayed through a misguided sense of duty. Nowadays, I'm not sure I feel very sorry for people who get cheated on because they treated their spouse like absolute crap.