Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

It’s a funny justification for cheating, yeah!

Plenty of people you could “talk” to without sending photos of yourself I’m sure!

Cheating?

I would consider it cheating if my DH did this with another woman.

I really don’t think you need to mention it to your “DH”. He sounds unpleasant so I doubt the response will be “oh gosh, I made you feel horrible and you did something silly in response, I’m sorry”.

Have you sat him down for a very direct chat about how he speaks to you? I’m going to be honest he doesn’t sound like he cares that much anyway. I wouldn’t want to have sex with my husband if he spoke to me like that.

Yes what you did was wrong but none of the feelings that motivated you are going to go away unless he changes or you get rid.

Of course it’s cheating!

flame me now but just keep your mouth shut
mud he ask what’s wrong tell him the faults you’ve said here about your relationship

I doubt very much your pictures will surface but if they do cross that bridge when you come to it

you’ve fucked up and as they say your not the first and won’t be the last

Most people would consider sending pictures on a dating app cheating OP.

This marriage sounds miserable, you want him to be different - but he's not is he? If you want someone different then you need to leave him and find someone different. He's not going to suddenly, miraculously become a much nicer person.

Do yourself a favour, don't tell him about this just tell him the marriage isn't working and you want out. That way he can't try to tear you apart further and punish you for what you've done. You need to leave though because this is becoming more and messy.

If your husband signed up for dating sites and was chatting with and exchanging videos and images (of what?) would you not consider that to be adultery ?

It's not adultery...yet. Adultery is sexual intercourse with someone who is not your spouse. It may be considered cheating though depending on the terms/boundaries of the relationship, which is subjective.

What will be gained by telling H? Will he suddenly find you attractive? No! If anything, it may spur him to cheat if he hasn't already, perhaps.

What does he say about your weight? Is he abusive?

Whatever you’ve ‘done’ keep quiet.

No good will accrue to anyone by talking.

Instead, work out what it is you want from life, then make plans to make it happen.

If a man was making comments about my weight he'd be sleeping on the lawn! Let alone if it was 'Hell'. He sounds awful OP, what you did isn't great but it sounds like you need to leave this relationship anyway, could you make this the push to end things?

What does your H say to you about your weight? How does he treat you? Does he contribute financially/domestically/parentally? Has he ever abused you or cheated on you @Nope11 ?

Well, it’s the first step to divorce, may as well carry on.

I wouldn't tell him.

either work on your marriage or leave, walk away from online dating and only do that once you've ended your marraige (if thats what you want) otherwise everything else is just grim

Yeah, it's not something I would accept my husband doing.
Who knows, the videos and photos could be of DIY brickwork or changing a wiper blade.
(Sorry, quoted wrong person!)

You’ve effectively ended your marriage because your husband is an arse.

I assume he has had plenty of opportunities to shape up and hasn’t bothered? So the end of the marriage won’t be a shock.

Only you know what steps you took to force yourself into action, because let’s face it that’s what’s happening. You were unhappy so you burned a few bridges. Don’t be fannying about trying to go back, move forward with ending your marriage in a courteous way.

Quietly and calmly.

MN never ceases to amaze me. OP posts for support because she’s in a miserable marriage with a borderline abusive spouse and yet again posters seize on one detail and use it to throw shit at the OP. Given the circumstances it’s not surprising she needed someone to talk to and a dating site isn’t the obvious choice for that, but slinging mud and accusing her of cheating isn’t helpful is it ? How about we concentrate on advising her how to find proper support and improve her situation. Or leave. Neither of which are as easy in real life as they are from behind a keyboard.

and me

Er yes, what else would you call sending photos and videos to other men when you’re married?

go and see your GP.

You swapped a couple of photos, no need for such drama.

I'd keep nice and quiet, get off the dating site. You must speak to your husband about how he treats you. This is the real problem.

It’s not accusing of cheating when she has literally explicitly said herself that she is cheating.

What on earth else would you call signing up to a dating site & then exchanging intimate photos and videos with other people, while married, if not cheating?

If OP just “needed someone to talk to” there were plenty of people & places to look for that that didn’t include dating sites and sexy photos.

You haven't committed a crime.
You're not happy with your partner. So leaving is best. Just break up with him because you're not happy. It's okay to break up with someone because you're not happy. You don't need any other reason.