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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

307 replies

Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:40

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

OP posts:
Rayqueen · 21/08/2025 16:42

Not what I would have done, first thing would be talk to my hubby and concerns are addressed. Defo tell yours it's not hard for people to find out things these days

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/08/2025 16:42

The Samaritans were engaged? You don't accidentally sign up to a dating site and exchange (racy?) pictures OP. I assume you want out of the marriage.

Original poster
Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:45

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/08/2025 16:42

The Samaritans were engaged? You don't accidentally sign up to a dating site and exchange (racy?) pictures OP. I assume you want out of the marriage.

Samaritans?

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/08/2025 16:46

Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:45

Samaritans?

Show quote history

You said you needed someone to talk to.

Original poster
Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:47

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/08/2025 16:46

You said you needed someone to talk to.

Show quote history

They are for suicidal thoughts

OP posts:
3luckystars · 21/08/2025 16:48

Sometimes people do crazy things because they are unable to leave a bad relationship properly, and with respect.

Its done now.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/08/2025 16:49

Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website.

you don’t sign up to a dating website because you want someone to talk to…

Mrsttcno1 · 21/08/2025 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeah well funny isn’t it

OP posts:
Comedycook · 21/08/2025 16:53

Putting aside for a moment what you have done...do you actually want to end your marriage op?

Original poster
Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:54

Comedycook · 21/08/2025 16:53

Putting aside for a moment what you have done...do you actually want to end your marriage op?

Not really, just want things to change but I can’t see them changing

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/08/2025 16:54

Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:47

They are for suicidal thoughts

Show quote history

The Samaritans are there if you need to talk about anything OP. I'm not derailing the thread talking about the Samaritans, I'm querying your excuse for joining a dating site.

EvenMoreCrisps · 21/08/2025 16:54

Are you divorcing? You could start planning for your future, where you'll live, finances etc.
Did you include your face in the photos and videos?

Original poster
Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:54

I think I just needed a bit of confidence from somewhere

OP posts:
IkeaJesusChrist · 21/08/2025 16:56

Why do you need to tell your husband? Unless you've included your face and your flaps are on show I'd keep quiet.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/08/2025 16:56

Nope11 · 21/08/2025 16:54

Not really, just want things to change but I can’t see them changing

Show quote history

Why do you want to stay in the marriage if it's hell?

TheBeesTrees · 21/08/2025 16:56

I wouldnt be sleeping with someone 1/2 times a week who made negative comments about my body, so your dh is at fault there. But there are plenty of places to talk outside of dating websites. I wonder if really you were seeking connection and to be made to feel good. It's wrong to do it while married of course, but it suggests your relationship was already in a bad place.
If your dh is an arse, which he sounds like, Id be inclined to not tell him about the messages, and split up based on how he has made you feel etc so he cannot paint himself to be the saint in this scenario.

3luckystars · 21/08/2025 16:57

IkeaJesusChrist · 21/08/2025 16:56

Why do you need to tell your husband? Unless you've included your face and your flaps are on show I'd keep quiet.

😁

Comedycook · 21/08/2025 16:57

So is there any chance what you've done is going to come out op? I wouldn't focus too much on it if not. It was a silly thing to do though.

Focus on your marriage. You're clearly unhappy...either end it or work on it.

BMW6 · 21/08/2025 16:58

Well OP if a bloke came on here and said because he didn't feel loved or cared for so signed up to a dating site for someone to talk to and exchange sexy photos with - what do you think most of the responses would be?

Your "Mea Culpa" doesn't hold up. I'm sorry that your marriage is struggling but you KNOW the answer lies in a face to face with dh. All cards on the table, tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels.

Once you have laid bare where you are each at then you can decide what to do.

Sit down with him tonight. Come off that dating site NOW.

Comedycook · 21/08/2025 17:01

BMW6 · 21/08/2025 16:58

Well OP if a bloke came on here and said because he didn't feel loved or cared for so signed up to a dating site for someone to talk to and exchange sexy photos with - what do you think most of the responses would be?

Your "Mea Culpa" doesn't hold up. I'm sorry that your marriage is struggling but you KNOW the answer lies in a face to face with dh. All cards on the table, tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels.

Once you have laid bare where you are each at then you can decide what to do.

Sit down with him tonight. Come off that dating site NOW.

It's not the same thing though...the ops husband is mentioning her weight to her regularly and it's affecting her self esteem.

Also when men seek out photos like this they usually are doing it for the straightforward sexual thrill. It sounds like the op was attention seeking and looking for validation rather than getting a sexual kick from it.

chuggabo · 21/08/2025 17:01

You felt lonely and in need of validation that you weren't getting at home. I get it. I've been there. Maybe you don't really want to end your relationship, though its not great, so you wanted some attention. Its not ideal, but if you are honest with yourself you want your life to change. So rather than churning yourself into a big guilt ridden heap its time to work out exactly what you need to change and what steps to take to get there. Is honesty with your husband the.way to go? It really may not be.

MushMonster · 21/08/2025 17:02

You have given your head a wobbled before going into further, so that is a big positive.
OP, he should always care for your health and encourage you to be healthy. But he has failed to show you that he loves and fancies you. That is very important to keep the spark going. Though you should talk to him, not to any other person, specially internet dating.
You both have work to do if you both want to save your marriage.

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/08/2025 17:02

What kind of pictures/videos?

VaseofViolets · 21/08/2025 17:03

chuggabo · 21/08/2025 17:01

You felt lonely and in need of validation that you weren't getting at home. I get it. I've been there. Maybe you don't really want to end your relationship, though its not great, so you wanted some attention. Its not ideal, but if you are honest with yourself you want your life to change. So rather than churning yourself into a big guilt ridden heap its time to work out exactly what you need to change and what steps to take to get there. Is honesty with your husband the.way to go? It really may not be.

100% agree with this advice.