Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

OP, I voted YABU for wanting to confess and calling yourself horrible.

You have acted like a dickhead, yes. You do need to feel guilty because that will help next time you get the urge to seek validation from some sleazy ballsack instead of facing your issues.

But it's perfectly understandable that you wanted validation and were lonely.

Sounds like this marriage was dead before you went off-road, and your husband is the one who killed it. Start a new thread about ending your marriage. Don't confess.

So tell him then. What's stopping you?

I don’t think you should tell him anything. Delete the account and work out whether the marriage is worth saving. From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like it.

But you didnt try to talk or change things. You looked for someone else.

Do you want to be married to him?

I'll start by asking what happened that you stopped feeling loved. Are you abused, left with no money, verbally insulted....what's the case

Because if he finds out and everything goes pear shaped, they are right in the middle of it.

There is always the risk it could, some random has your pictures/videos, whatever you sent.

Don't tell him, what would be the point? Just split up, he obviously is not very nice calling you names etc and clearly there are people out there who do fancy you and others would treat you better, he doesnt need to know.

Have a free, honest anonymous brainstorm here and unpack it

Your entry is too short, intense and needs background

Man here, so for what its worth I'll give you a guys perspective. It sounds like you want the marriage to work, so I wouldn't tell him - its a huge betrayal, even if he is being a dick - come off the dating site at once, delete everything.

Sit down with your DH and try to work out why you are unhappy, explain that and see if you can both turn things round.

If my DW had done this I'd sooner not know, you can't erase stuff like this, but you can save him the pain by stopping and giving your relationship a last chance.

You have to take responsibility for your actions...you royally fucked up, I mean what were you thinking - I don't understand how wanting to chat would lead to joining a dating site ...and sending nudes, I'm sorry but it is crazy. I would call the Samaritans tonight and chat to them about you thoughts on ending your life, do you have children, if you do please think of the damage you will do to them for the rest of their lives.
The Samaritans won't expect you to take your clothes off and are free and anonymous.

Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website.

That's not what you do when you need someone to talk to. That's what you do when you want to have an affair. Two totally different things. Stop minimising your actions or trying to justify them by playing the victim.

This is one of the most rational comments I’ve seen on here in a long time. Totally agree with this.

OP, life isn’t clear cut and cookie cutter, although people like to pretend it is. You messed up, you’re human. Instead of beating yourself up, consider why. Do you love your husband as he is right now, including how he treats you? Is there room for him agreeing to counselling with you in order for him to understand how his behaviour makes you feel?

I think you need to understand what you want moving forward first - realistically. Is your husband going to change? Do you want him to try to? Or are you done? From there, you can figure out the best ways to achieve that end goal without harming yourself.

OP calm down. Unsigned yourself from the dating site or whatever you need to do to remove your profile.

Then ask yourself WHY you did it. Do you want to end your relationship? Was it a cry for help? Ought you seek counselling via your GP or other methods. There is a reason for your actions find it.

Not exclusively.

That's true. But they should own it.

That's pretty cold OP

I mean considering you're going to tell him you've been unfaithful and you've said if he leaves you then 'so be it'.

And yet in your thread title you mention ruining your life.

I'm so sorry OP. You're obviously feeling terrible.

If your husband constantly makes undermining remarks to you while still expecting regular sex, I'm not sure I'd hand this to him as a weapon. It's difficult without really understanding your relationship and whether this is a temporary glitch or a fundamentally cruel relationship.

I think I would open a conversation that says I've been feeling extremely unhappy and am considering whether this is a relationship I want to be in. See where it goes from there. If you get to the point where you can communicate constructively and respectfully, I would probably feel I had to come clean at that point. But wait and see.

I have tried to tell him how I feel and he just shuts down. There is no room to talk with him. I’m not excusing what I’ve done, I feel incredibly guilty and have nobody to blame but myself. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t have posted on here. I expected to get judged so you’re not bothering me. I love my 2 children. I wasn’t thinking about them whilst I was doing the wrong but I don’t think it makes me a bad mum/person. I know I have messed up and I feel sick about it

Look what's done is done, you obviously want out of the relationship. Id not say anything to him about this, stay away from dating sites and put your energy into ending the relationship.

Did you include your face in the photos/videos?

Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website.

No

Tell him you want to separate. You don't need to tell him the rest.

You are not a bad mum. You made an error of judgement when your self esteem was low. Beating yourself up now (or letting people on here do it) will not help, it will just make that root cause worse. Focus on who you want to be next. A strong mum for your kids, someone who demonstrates self love and treats herself and other with respect. Take it from there. Stop torturing yourself. Good luck .

OP, when my friend did this it was because she wanted the marriage to end and her husband was like yours – would walk away from conversations, total shut down. So she blew it all up by cheating on an app, like you, as something he couldn’t ignore.

Very, very messy and traumatic for a while. But now post-divorce she’s miles happier, albeit poorer, and the co-parenting is contentious – partly because he (not unreasonably) harbours resentment about how it ended.

I’d think about why you really did this: was it a subconscious way to do something you can’t row back from, so you can end your marriage? If so, with kids involved and coparenting in your future, I’d keep quiet about it to your DH and give him other reasons for wanting a divorce. Don’t give him more ammunition to hate you – it sounds like he doesn’t respect you much to start with, given the comments on your body, and his attitude.