Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

Like it wasn't possible to dissolve your relationship without signing up to a dating site and sending nudes to a random? You could still end this relationship without this stink over your head and co-parent without whipping up more drama.

You felt lonely and in need of validation that you weren't getting at home. I get it

I get it too, but online dating isn't the place to find it (as op has discovered).

OP don't feel guilty, you haven't done anything too terrible. Stupid maybe, but don't beat yourself up, just try to understand why you did it. And be kind to yourself - it sounds like not many other people in your life are being nice to you.

As others have said, have a long think about what you want to do about your marriage.

Can we not bring my children into this please? They are innocent and I don’t want them involved in this shit

They're also crap (IME and experience others I haev encountered have had, and bearing in mind I worked in safeguarding roles for years, that's a lot of encounters). I am not slating the individual volunteers, a lot of them I am sure are lovely, but as an organisation I am not a fan.

Your children are involved in this shit

Unless you are childfree Your children will be involved in any relationship decisions you make.

OP do you actually want to keep your marriage or are you just scared of leaving?

if you want to save this relationship personally i would keep quiet. it does not sound like a happy relationship for you but i also understand i don’t know the full picture and people stay in a struggling relationship for all reasons that is not for me to judge

signing up to that dating site to find someone to talk to was not something that is good. however i do understand you just wanted to talk and i do believe you did not mean for things to go as far as they did. the amount of guilt you feel proves that

for the people saying she should have talked to other people. i don’t think you understand what kind of talking she needed. OP was rightly feeling low about herself as a result of her husband. she wanted some external validation. that does not mean she wanted to physically cheat or was looking for a new relationship. what she was looking for was someone who made her feel loved and special and emotionally there for her in a way her husband was not.

Maybe a controversial opinion here, but I think you should either stop doing it, take it to your grave, and work things out with your DH, or just not tell him about it and leave. When you’re emotionally unfaithful but your DP doesn’t know, they’re not hurt by it. Telling them causes them to feel the hurt, but it relieves you of your guilt. It’s kind of selfish in a way to confess. Lots of people say they would rather not know.

What’s done is done. You can’t undo it. There’s no point in telling him about it now - a guilty conscience is your punishment, don’t try to ease it by offloading this onto him now. You think you’ll feel better by coming clean, but it's ultimately a selfish act to try to make yourself feel better.

Learn from this. Decide whether you want to work on your marriage or not, and how you might go about it.

They already are, if their parents are in an unhappy marriage.

Oh op please don't beat yourself up about this. You're not happy and as someone else said you're probably trying to sabotage the relationship. Are you also autistic? I'm autistic and separated from my husband about 16 years ago. I was still a child at 36 and I didn't understand that I was being treated badly and that the relationship I was in had become toxic.

No-one could have sabotaged their marriage more dramatically than I did...what you've done is nothing compared to what I did. I even wrote about it on a popular forum and my husband read it!! It was a complete mess.

What happened for me was that I blamed myself so much that I didn't see a solicitor and I left myself in a mess financially. I thought that because I was being so reasonable, my ex would be a nicer co parent. But he wasn't...and now I have an old age to look forward to with no pension.

You don't need to tell him because if you then leave he'll just use this to take advantage.

OP horrible situation but tell your husband and decide what you’re going to do from then on between you.

A bit off topic but it’s funny how singles are ridiculed and pitied for being on dating sites when IME when I was single it was overrun with married /in relationship men! I’m sure lots of “not-single” women too.

Married folks are a big part of why dating apps are so horrible nowadays. They completely piss in the pool that wasn’t exactly crystal clear to begin with.

Why would you tell your DH, jump online book some marriage counselling and talk to him about how you feel, chalk this down to experience and id ben saying nothing.

it’s just a knee jerk reaction to feeling lonely and ignored and potentially used, so you even enjoy sex with your DH?

I have 3 boys on the spectrum and my youngest is severely disabled. He would absolutely miss his Daddy if he wasn't here, what a bizarre thing to say.

i think you need to remember that marriage is really hard at times. What you did was wrong (made easier by dating sites). You do need to be honest or it will eat you alive. I’m sure you say things to him that aren’t kind. That’s marriage. Don’t give up.

Oh I didn’t know that all children were the same..what a bizarre thing to say

My youngest was never bothered. Eldest was very bothered but they're not always.

OP don't let people on here make you feel guilty.

Don’t say anything to your husband.

Yes, seems that the spark has gone from your marriage. You must think about if you want to stay, separate or divorce.

You mention your weight - being overweight can be a passion killer, so why don't you start a diet, join a gym, refresh your wardrobe and take up a hobby. All this will boost your self confidence.

It was you who brought them into this shit by jointing a dating website and exchanging pictures. You shouldn’t stay in a crap marriage if you don’t want to, but checking out and messaging another man before ending your marriage is a crap thing to do, and you are right to feel bad for it. If you don’t want to work at your marriage/don’t think DH will work at it then it’s absolutely the right thing to tell him and end it

Ultimately you can’t change his reaction to you trying to talk to him, you can only change your reaction.

I wouldn’t tell him or anyone anything about your ECA’s but I would tell dh that if he won’t listen or talk to you, you cannot go on with this marriage. I would give him one chance before pulling the plug on this marriage.

Ultimately you need to be seen as a person and not someone’s wife/mother etc and if your husband isn’t willing to take on board your unhappiness then he has made his decisions with regard to where you and this marriage come in his fight to keep or just let go lists.

He might try to do the right things but it will be more to not upend the status quo than a place of love.

And if all you want is to talk you dont accidently remove your clothes and film yourself

Are you the same OP as Potatotime as this seems like the same thread? Either way ignore the negative comments. Being unloved and ignored in a relationship is a big deal, I've been there and it made me very depressed and act irrational. My relationship started in my late teens and after many many years together the spark was gone. It never came back and my DP was like a stranger and we eventually broke up. We both at some point had emotional affairs that we kept secret from each other. Biggest mistake we made was getting married. Are you married? Do you still love him enough to want him to change, or do you think he's checked out. As for your weight this is unacceptable for him to comment. Have you tried losing weight (not that you should have to). I feel for you. Feeling how you're feeling is not how relationship should be. I met someone else and now I'm very happy.

My son is non speaking, he couldn't tell me he missed his Daddy, he wouldn't behave like he was 'bothered', but he would absolutely notice he was gone and would definitely miss him. Just because they can't communicate it doesn't mean that dont feel it. My husband is a very hands on loving Dad, maybe thats the difference!

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