Ruined my life I’m a stupid idiot

[Nope11]

Been with DH 14 years and the past year or so between us has been hell. I don’t feel loved, cared for, nothing. We sleep together 1/2 times a week. He’s always saying something about my weight. Just needed someone to talk to so I signed up to a dating website. Long story short me and someone ended up exchanging pictures/videos.

I feel utterly sick. I’m a horrible person and I’ll admit to what I did later on. If he leaves me and tells my family so be it. I deserve it.

I sound like I’m self pitying and maybe I am but I feel sick with my actions and will own up

This is the female version of the script.

Not sure what you want people to say @Nope11 Why have you ruined your life?

they are for any reason.

I mean, plenty of women on mn admit to staying after seeing flirty texts that their husbands are sending

You feel guilty, right enough, it was wrong. Not sure I'd tell my husband 😬😬, you'd be throwing things away over nothing

Controversial I know but figure out what you want, and if its him, dont do it again but find a way to make things work.

If you want out, then be honest about what you did, why you did it and that you want to divorce

Best of luck, op xx

Ok so what do you actually want now? Your marriage to be over? Your husband to change? Is he even capable of that?

Your husband to change? Does some part of you hope he’ll get “jealous” and realise he might lose you and that other men find you attractive and suddenly change?

Given what you say about his behaviour so far, odds are he’ll throw it all in your face and use it as an excuse to keep being horrible to you and you’ll put up with any shit because you’re guilty.

Before you do anything (including dating sites) think about what you actually want and whether he is the man to give it to you, or you’re better off alone.

The question you need to ask yourself, is where do YOU want to go from here? I dont think carrying on as you are is a serious option, is it? I'd also recommend honesty with your husband IF you decide that you want to try and save your marriage. If you don't want to stay with him, keep quiet about it, and get the best lawyer you can afford.

If it was only photos, you can simply opt out and quit while you’re ahead. Either break up or don’t, but don’t cheat.

Your husband sounds like a dickhead. Why is he moaning about your weight if he’s happy to fuck you twice a week? What a loser.

You don't need to own up. You need to end your marriage. It's what you should have done in the first place.

Hope it gets better for you.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes these things happen for a reason. Perhaps you did what you did because you were unhappy with your old life. Maybe self sabotaging it was a way of telling yourself that you need a new life.

Be kind to yourself, be brave and good luck for the future.

Well, at least it doesn't sound like you have any shared children whose lives are going to be upended by this mess. So there's that.

I understand and I’m so sorry that you have reached such a low that this has happened.

I fear that if you tell your husband about this it will just become another stick for him to metaphorically beat you with. If he’s already ruined any self esteem you had by making disparaging comments about your weight whilst also not showing you any care love or attention but also expecting sex 1-2 times a week…which must make you feel less then fantastic about yourself - he is part of the problem here.

Regarding the comments about your weight I would have stern words with him about this and explain how much it hurts and exactly how it makes you feel - you’ve been together 14 years and of course you are not going to look the same, I am sure he doesn’t either!!

If the weight is something you want to change then that’s great do it for you! But he needs to understand that making unkind comments aren’t helping you achieve this goal and so if he would like to try being supportive instead of negative he might find it a more successful approach.

Ultimately though if he can’t love and appreciate you just as you are then I think it’s time to reconsider the relationship.

You are worth having love, care and attention and as humans it’s something most of us crave. The lack of this in your marriage has brought you to this crossroads and so it’s time to think about what you want to do and how you want to move forward.

You don't think it's cheating to be exchanging explicit pics and videos on a dating site? Of course it is.

Look, you're clearly unhappy in your marriage and your husband sounds like a dickhead. But nobody joins a dating site 'just to have someone to talk to'. Leave your husband if he doesn't love/care for you and insults your weight, but don't send pictures to randoms on dating sites as a form of therapy.

You sound very naive and passive and your whole communication style makes this thread feel like pulling teeth, which makes me wonder if you might be quite vulnerable. You don't come across as someone who is particularly savvy about navigating online dating/sexting and I think you would be better to end your awful marriage, get some counselling for self-esteem and be single for a while rather than putting yourself in potentially difficult situations with men online who are clearly using you.

We have 2 actually

Why would you tell anyone, are you looking to push things, for your husband chuck you out so you can feel justified for your actions.

Delete everything and talk to your husband.

Thank you to anyone who has been supportive🫶🏼

I understand you wanted some attention and to feel attractive. But you're cheating on your husband.

Hear that.

You're cheating.

Yes, you. Cheating.

Stop now before the dopamine hit becomes something you crave, and you end up going further down this road.

It's time for a serious conversation with your husband about the state of your marriage and suggesting you need counselling to get back on an even keel.

All the best.

I want to tell him because of the guilt I feel

Oh right, it's just they didn't get a passing thought in the op.

Not sure why they are relevant in this situation

So what you did wasn't the best move, but you know that. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, it's done now. Personally I wouldn't be telling anyone at all. It sounds like it came from a place where is constantly undermines your confidence.

Your relationship is in a bad place and that's a symptom of it. I guess you have to ask if you and your DH still want the relationship and can you both save it if you work on it? If he doesn't want it then don't waste time on him would be my advice.

Do you not think what you have done is cheating?

You can call samaritans for any reason op. If you need to talk to someone then call them. They will listen . Talking it out might help.

In fact call samaritans talk this through

Well, you jeopardised their stable family life so that you could flatter your ego instead of addressing your DH's rudeness directly and now you are going to reveal all to save yourself from guilt and see how it goes. And they'll just have to keep up in your slipstream. So, yeah, pretty relevant.

Op exactly how is your DH talking to you? You say he makes comments about your weight, you don’t feel loved etc. It sounds pretty bad from the limited info you have given.

In situations where a partner is verbally abusive and eroding self esteem it’s actually not at all uncommon for the person on receiving end to go seek external validation. This is basically what you have done - gone looking for another man to show you that you are still attractive and worth talking to. Yes some women being verbally abused try kill themselves or end up total shells of themselves but a lot actually do this behaviour. It’s almost like a small part of them knows they aren’t worthless and ugly as they are told by DH and just want that affirmed by someone else.

In my experience though it’s really hard to save these relationships. Not because you looked outside the marriage for positive male attention, but actually because the DH is incapable of treating women with care and respect, and instead will just keep ripping down your self esteem.

If you tell him about this incidence I think he will likely be verbally abusive. Has he any form for physical violence? Do you feel safe in this relationship?