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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH away for a week. Dismayed by how little I miss him.

245 replies

Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:14

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

  • that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
  • that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
  • that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”
Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?
OP posts:
SealHouse · 21/08/2025 13:17

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:24

Well yes if he wants something specific he should cook himself, presumably hes capable of doing so. Something balanced doesn't have to take longer than boiling some pasta and mixing in a sauce.

Show quote history

Not every meal has to be "balanced"🙄it's ok to have pasta with pesto every now and then.

RubySquid · 21/08/2025 13:18

Cinaferna · 21/08/2025 09:35

I love DH but he is retired and a total home body. I work away from home a lot, so he gets the house to himself often. I never do. I long for him to go away so I can have that solitude and my own rhythm.

This is part of the reason I won't live with my partner full time. We do spend most nights together but he's never out of the house when I have free time. Hence glad I have another place of my own I go for some peace, or to have friends over etc without him being there

He older he gets the more time he seems to spend at home

Jenkibuble · 21/08/2025 13:25

Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 09:14

Not really AIBU but I would be reassured to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience.
We are in our 70s. Retired. DH is not a drunk, doesn’t abuse me, sleep around, doesn’t shout or bang doors…He does loads in the house: washing, ironing, bed changing, dusting and he is tidy.
But after a few days on my own I realise how relaxed I am. Everything feels so peaceful. I have had unbidden feelings of gratitude:

  • that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.
  • that I can, for example, leave the iron out to continue ironing the next day without him putting it away insisting he will get it out for me again tomorrow
  • that I am not constantly being asked questions: “is this for the rubbish?” “ what time do you want to go shopping?”
Sounds petty but these are only 3 examples of many. I am actually shocked that I am not particularly looking forward to him coming home and I wish he were away for another week. I honestly never thought I would feel like this. Does anyone else enjoy life on their own when DH is away?

These resonate with me (split from ex husband 4 years ago) and in no rush to find a new partner.

I am too set in my ways / selfish I guess !

justasking111 · 21/08/2025 13:32

Camilla buggers off to her own home leaving behind Charlie and his plants at Highgrove

If it's good enough for them 😂

MaryMungoMidgley · 21/08/2025 13:33

Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 10:05

He won’t eat it.

Show quote history

Really?!
I'd tell him eat it or wear it mate🤣
It's 15 years since I broke free of him and his need for obedience, not that I ever did obey, but my life is so much more relaxed now that we don't live together.

Lavenderandbrown · 21/08/2025 13:33

I think it’s pretty universally enjoyed as this thread indicates to be alone in your home with the comfort and security of a partner but not the presence every single day. Op my DH works away during the week and absolutely it’s work /Tjmaxx /cheese cube and wine for dinner /organize a drawer /gather up a charity donation out of his site and sleep on a mere sliver of the bed quite soundly. Love it. Have always loved time alone and always will. It’s healthy it’s normal and it’s often rare for women.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 13:37

justasking111 · 21/08/2025 13:32

Camilla buggers off to her own home leaving behind Charlie and his plants at Highgrove

If it's good enough for them 😂

Yes. Money and/or space can make a big difference. Our bungalow is small. If we had a sitting room with tv at one end f the bungalow plus a comfortable conservatory with tv at the other end, day to day life would be less stressful. Plus 2 bathrooms…

OP posts:
ParmaVioletTea · 21/08/2025 13:38

I think living closely with one person (no matter how much we love them) is actually just harder than we ever admit.

Allisgoodtoday · 21/08/2025 13:40

I can relate to this entirely.
I was married for 21 years and had a couple of other relationships after my divorce but came to realise I loved being on my own far, far more than living with anyone else.

I'm in my 60s these days so have lived alone for some years now. I still find it total bliss and wouldn't have it any other way. The joy of doing what I want, when I want. Not having to consider any one else. To keep the house as clean - or as messy - as I like. The wonderful choice....I can go to bed early, stay up late, decide to go for a drive at midnight if I wish!! I would never give up my freedom and independence ever again.

And no, I'm not lonely at all. I can see friends and family as often as I wish, don't have someone moaning about not liking my family or "what on earth do you women find to talk about" and so on, I can have guests to stay as often as I like or stay with other people as many times as I wish.

Can't recommend it highly enough!

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 21/08/2025 13:40

We are in our 50s and I'm glad that we work mirror shifts, so we have equal access to a peaceful house without much impinging on each other

Greenwriter76 · 21/08/2025 13:42

Cherryrac · 21/08/2025 09:17

Its different when you know they are coming back, if he was permanently leaving you'd likely feel differently (better or worse). It probably does show that carving some time for yourself is important.

that I don’t have to make a proper meal for two. It’s so nice to boil up some pasta and stir some sauce through.

This is sad though, do you not feel its worth making a proper, balanced meal for yourself?

I don’t think it’s that unusual OP, I love time alone just pleasing myself (but I lived alone for 7 years before meeting DH).

The quote about the food I read differently: Is pasta and sauce not good enough for your husband? Why can’t you make that for both of you when he’s there? If I’m cooking, my DH gets given what I want to make!

BigButtons · 21/08/2025 13:43

When my kids were still at home -I used to really want me and my oh to live together. I kinda resented that he didn’t want to. Now my kids are mostly living elsewhere and I have the house to myself I absolutely no longer want to live full time with him. I love having my space.
i think for woman- who have spent their lives in the roll of the person who does the lions share of housework or emotional work and caring - having to care for no one but themselves is a revelation.

Imbusytodaysorry · 21/08/2025 13:49

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/08/2025 09:20

Interesting - I see the total opposite - why can’t she just do pasta and sauce occasionally for her DH instead of feeling the need to cook a full meal.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree too . Sad she “has to “ do anything if she doesn’t feel like it.

Original poster
Bleachedlevis · 21/08/2025 13:54

Imbusytodaysorry · 21/08/2025 13:49

I agree too . Sad she “has to “ do anything if she doesn’t feel like it.

Show quote history

I find these “sad” comments quite funny. Am I buggery ‘sad’ 😀. Im
sure you mean well, though.

OP posts:
RoseAndGeranium · 21/08/2025 13:55

Whatshesaid96 · 21/08/2025 09:28

I'm a lot younger than you but I am similar when my husband goes away for work. I just get in the flow of routine and dealing with the kids on my own. He then disrupts the calm organisation when he is back home. I love him to bits and would be lost without him permanently but sometimes it's just 'easier'.

I feel this way too. During the school holidays especially I find it so much easier if he’s away! I’m relieved it’s not just me. It’s not as though he’s one of the very useless husbands you read about on MN at all, though of course we have our disagreements, it’s just that with only one adult’s input everything seems to go more smoothly. Plus I get to read my book in bed in the evening or watch crappy tv that he doesn’t enjoy without feeling bad about ignoring him. And after a full day of childcare I often feel I have depleted social reserves, so some solitude after kids’ bedtime is really welcome.

Louiestopit · 21/08/2025 13:57

I think mine could go away for a year and I wouldn’t miss him, I’m just not that sort of person though.

I took my eldest travelling for almost 3 months when he was little, obviously we spoke to dh daily for ds, but I didn’t miss him at all.

BadActingParsley · 21/08/2025 13:58

Vinvertebrate · 21/08/2025 11:06

My (totally unsubstantiated) theory is that we are all under the influence of our reproductive hormones during our child-bearing years, and in the interests of continuation of the species, they convince us that living with a man is tolerable. Then we hit menopause and those hormones stop working, and we start to realise that solitude or freedom is equally, if not more, pleasant. DH is fine, as men go, but my retirement plans involve spending half the year in sunnier climes while he pursues his dream of being a lifelong workaholic. I don't intend to miss him, and I am sure he'll be too busy to notice my absence. Equally, we will enjoy spending 6 months together in the UK (in my case, safe in the knowledge that I can soon bugger off elsewhere with a pile of books for some peace and solitude!) Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

Totally agree with you on the hormones bit....I've never had kids and don't have the 'caring' gene in any great amounts. But It's teen tiny now....

I've got plans in retirement - and while DH are broadly aligned - I;m not sure he realises how much travelling I want to do and that if he doesn't want to do as much...I can make my own way and then come home....

Sunshineismyfavourite · 21/08/2025 14:08

I absolutely think some alone time is great especially when you've been together a long time. DH and I married 30 years now - I love holidays and going away and he does but only a couple of times a year so I love going away without him for some peace and space and do it at least a couple of times a year, sometimes with a friend but usually on my own.

We do get irritated by each other at times, which is only normal I think after being together for so long, so being away and then coming home back together again is healthy and makes me feel happy to be home again. I don't actually miss him - but like pps have said, I know he'll be there when I get home.

Createausername1970 · 21/08/2025 14:10

theDudesmummy · 21/08/2025 11:26

I find it amusing that someone always pops up to insist that you have to have a perfectly balanced fully formed meal at every mealtime. The OP is 70, I imagine she has an idea of how to eat. I have just come back from several weeks on holiday during which I had ice cream for lunch and chips for supper on more than one occasion! I think I will survive (well, I did need to take some fibre tablets!). Yes, my DH does cook very nutritious meals at home as I explained upthread, but when I am away I just eat Thai soup, sometimes for several days in a row.

I know!

It totally derails an otherwise fun thread (she says, not unaware she is doing the same.......)

I found a large treacle sponge lurking at the back of the cupboard the other week and DH and I had it for our tea, with custard. We enjoyed every sticky mouthful. AND it was 3 months past it's best-by..... I can hear the food police swooning.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/08/2025 14:12

Why don't you use this to think about any changes you want to make? Like have a few ' fend for yourself'/ snack type dinners or ask him to cook a few nights per week

MaryMungoMidgley · 21/08/2025 14:13

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/08/2025 14:12

Why don't you use this to think about any changes you want to make? Like have a few ' fend for yourself'/ snack type dinners or ask him to cook a few nights per week

Probably because Mr grumpy will be huffy and make her life uncomfortable if she does that.

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 21/08/2025 14:20

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 21/08/2025 09:24

Your examples seem minimal to be honest.

And I think many of us actually quite like it when their OH is away for a week or so. Only having yourself to please and think about is refreshing. My DH used to work away for weeks at a time and I enjoyed having the bed to myself, cooking things only I liked that he didn't, watching what I wanted on the TV and having my own new routine for a while. I didn't feel like I missed him as such.

I am pretty sure he liked being on his own for a little while too and only having himself to think about, and please.

I think as humans we sometimes crave alone time and need that break.

Ultimately though I was glad when he came home as I love him and he is my best friend (yuk, I know!) Life would be shit without him full time.

Mine would go through a very rocky patch if his wage disappears with him ...the support, the attention to the things which need fixing, the weird infos he shares, the videos and books we talk about. But overall I'm glad I work when he's home, and he works when I'm home lol

Petitchat · 21/08/2025 14:21

Yes to the third one.
Constantly being asked questions.

In my case, these have become more ridiculous every day and I end up being snappy and sarky.

eg:
Him: where do you want the fresh fruit?
Me: In the same fruit bowl we've put it in for the last 33 years.
Him: shall I put more toilet roll in bathroom?
Me: No, we'll use our hands to wipe bums.
Him: At bedtime. Shall I put the alarm on?
Me: No it's ok. We'll just go late to X appointment.

Ffs. Just shut up and go away!!!!!!!

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 21/08/2025 14:24

Extraenergyneeded · 21/08/2025 09:28

Very reasonable.
We all need a break and time to do what we want without being watched/ judged.

Lol, if that's a description of ops marriage, she'd rather be out. Ducks in a row, op

Petitchat · 21/08/2025 14:24

PS to my above post.

But I love him dearly 😊

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