DS 16 debagged at school

[Atomsplitter]

My 16 year old year 12 student has just disclosed to me that he was debagged/pantsed by another student while on his recent D of E expedition. Luckily he managed to hold on to his underwear but still very embarrassing 😳 He also said that the same student has been trying to do the same in the common room at school. DS has to tie his shorts really tight to prevent him from pulling them down. AIBU to think this is sexual assault? This person is not his friend and is a bit of a dick according to DS. He has targeted others too apparently, some have been totally exposed. I want to contact the school but DS doesn't want me to and won't tell me the students name.

This 100% counts as sexual assault - there are consequences for this behaviour at my school. Please report this young person to the pastoral lead.

It’s obviously not ok but it’s not sexual assault (which requires a sexual motive) because it doesn’t appear that he’s doing it because he’s attracted to you DS or wants to see his genitals for any sexual motive.

If DS wants you to take it further (and I think his preference is a big factor at that age), don’t mis-use terms like “sexual assault” because it’ll make you sound like you’re exaggerating and overreacting, making you more likely to be dismissed and ignored.

The other boy is a dick, but sexual assault? No

A teenage boy being an asshole

It 100% does not count as sexual assault.

I'm with @ConfusedSloth. It's not sexual assault, more bullying. He's being a dickhead and picking on your son

Nope. More like 0%.

When I was at school this sort of thing was par for the course and “character-building”. It’s obviously not ok, but nor is it “sexual assault”.

Okay, well, at the very least it’s unwanted physical contact, and it’s definitely non-consensual. We treat it very seriously at school.

I think you should definitely report it obviously discuss with your DS first . I'm sorry but I think there's a sexual side to it . I dont know exactly how you would define it . Id just report it in a matter of fact manner there's no need to put a title on it is there ?

I don't mean to misuse the term sexual assault at all, I just want to understand whether or not is constitutes as that. DS felt very humiliated and I feel that the perpetrator at almost 18 years of age is a bit old for this kind of behaviour.

How do any of you know that was not sexually motivated? You cannot possibly know! The boy that’s doing it may well get a sexual thrill for all any of us know 🤷‍♀️ so yes it could be sexual assault. If this was done to a girl none of you would hesitate to label it sexual assault, why when this shit happens to boys does it have to be downplayed?

OP report it to the school anyway, even if you don’t have a name. Say the words sexual assault and mention that you may have to report to the police.

It's very concerning that an almost 18 year old is engaging in that kind of behaviour, definitely talk to the school about it.

I think at 17 you can encourage and support him to report the incidents, but ultimately the decision on whether to do so is your son’s not yours.

The appropriate term is simply “assault”. To be clear, my advice against saying sexual assault is just that it muddies your complaint. If you say he was sexually assaulted, when the likelihood is that there was no sexual motive, it makes you look like you’re inventing aspects of the situation and you won’t be listened to.

When did you go to school? There were serious consequences for this sort of behaviour when I was at school.

Late 80s/early 90s

If someone was punched in the face then it could, potentially, possibly be sexually motivated. It’s highly unlikely to be though. Calling it sexual assault would make you appear a bit odd and more likely to be dismissed.

No one said not to report it because there’s no sexual motive.

If he was doing it to female students would it be SA? Just asking as no one here knows what is motivating him to do it.

OP it’s a difficult one as he doesn’t want you to report it, could you do it anonymously from a throwaway email and state that your child doesn’t want to be implicated in any way as the reason? Could possibly be enough for staff to be more present/vigilant around common areas etc.

Erm …. Of course it’s sexual assault. Just like upskirting or “pinging” girls bra fastening to open it is. These behaviours, just like the far more serious sexual assaults, are rarely about actual sexual thrill or attraction and all about power over someone else.
The intent is to expose your son’s genitals - I’m baffled how people can think it’s not sexual assault.
assault.

I remember it happening frequently when I was at secondary school in the 90's but usually stopped around year 8. I used to feel really sorry for the victims 😔 I didn't think this would happen at 6th form.

The perpetrator is 18! Legally an adult! Bloody hell, forget going to the school Just report it as assault straight to the police.

Oh, and to protect himself in the meantime, he can wear a belt on his trousers!

SA I expect the bully is gay and can’t cope.

He's almost 18 apparently he was 17 when it happened. My DS is young in the year, 17 next week.

Completely agree and I would raise it with school - though at this age I’d feel the need to consult with DS about that because depending on the circumstances, he might feel that reporting it might make things worse for him. It’s horrible.