DS 16 debagged at school

[Atomsplitter]

My 16 year old year 12 student has just disclosed to me that he was debagged/pantsed by another student while on his recent D of E expedition. Luckily he managed to hold on to his underwear but still very embarrassing 😳 He also said that the same student has been trying to do the same in the common room at school. DS has to tie his shorts really tight to prevent him from pulling them down. AIBU to think this is sexual assault? This person is not his friend and is a bit of a dick according to DS. He has targeted others too apparently, some have been totally exposed. I want to contact the school but DS doesn't want me to and won't tell me the students name.

If we don’t know what the motive is, we don’t invent one. Obviously.

No one said it shouldn’t be reported unless it’s sexual. People acting like sexual assault is worse than assault are weird.

Oh and it's also sexual harassment of witnesses.

Teacher here. This is really unpleasant bullying by the other boy, and totally unacceptable. It does need to be reported to the school, just give the facts of the incident - you don’t need to describe it as SA, the pastoral head will take it seriously, especially as it’s a pattern of behaviour. If he is targeting other students as well, and is doing it in front of others, he wouldn’t know who had reported it.

Unfortunately it’s not uncommon behaviour in schools, but very upsetting to the victim, and I definitely wouldn’t expect sixth formers to be doing it.

It’s sexual assault and needs to be reported.

I’m honestly reading this thread open mouthed, sorry but someone’s got to say it. Police? Sexual assault? When I was at school (early 2000s) this would have been considered silly and annoying behaviour, possibly bullying if repeated and/or the boys weren’t friends. I seem to remember girls pulling each others skirts up to expose granny pants for jokes as well. No wonder he doesn’t want to tell you the boys name if this is the response.

There are a lot of people talking about motive but actually the 'motive' isn't relevant in establishing whether an offence has taken place.

Is exposing someone's genitals a sexual activity? Yes. That's it.

You might want to hand back your law degree

But you're doing the opposite - surely you can't assume that there isn't a sexual element, when the act involves attempting to expose a person's genitals, just because you don't see it as such.

You can have the opinion that it isn't SA but to state that "100% this isn't sexual assault etc etc" is ridiculous. you cannot, cannot know, 100%, that there was no sexual motivation.

Many of you are focused on the perpetrator’s motivation. I think that’s irrelevant- if it is being experienced by the OP’s son as a sexualised or degrading event then that’s what it is.

As a school governor, I’d want this to be reported. However, as a mother I think I would need my teenager’s agreement to approach the school with a name. Without a name, it’s worth mentioning to the safeguarding team and explaining DS isn’t willing to discuss further, but the school needs to work on consent awareness. Good luck OP

You're massively oversimplify it

Exposing someone's genitalia can be sexual. It can be humiliation. It can be medical. It can be personal care

You can't blanket say exposing someone's genitals is sexual

Out of interest what if a boy pulled down a girls top to publicly expose her breasts ? Sexual assault?

Sexual assault is far more about having power over someone else rather than being sexually aroused.

I can blanket say that a 16 year old boy exposing the genitals of another 16 year old boy in a school in an established pattern of behaviour is sexual assault.

I'm not moving the goalposts here.

Yeah I’m confused about how this couldn’t be SA. It’s an act that is designed and intended to be humiliating. It’s a bit like saying SA occurs due to uncontrollable attraction, rather than wanting power and control. Surely we know now it’s never solely about being attracted to someone?

OP, I’m so sorry this happened. I’m not at this stage of parenting yet, so can’t really offer tried & tested advice, but I would absolutely report. If this near-adult is doing this in public to his college acquaintances, I’d hate to think what he thinks is acceptable when no one is looking.

I don't think you're misusing the word sexual at all!! If the boys were like 10-13 maybe I'd say bullying but at year12 I would say there is a sexual element there. Report

Yeah, but people think you’re wrong. Could you copy and paste the bit of legislation you’re talking about? My Internet connection isn’t brilliant and I may have missed something.

You can say it. It doesn't make it true

This. Assault is assault regardless of the motive.

Nah just teenage high jinks.

Ok pal, thumbs up 😅

I was in school the same time as you and this would have been taken seriously even then in my school and I went to a rough school.

Glad to see things have improved in schools nowadays and this sort of thing is taken seriously across schools as a whole.

This shouldn't be minimised. Imagine how it would feel to have this happen out of the blue, and be exposed to others. Absolutely horrible. At the very least, this boy needs some empathy lessons.

Absolutely correct. Attempting to reveal someone's genitals is totally different to pinching their shoes for a laugh. It's about power and humiliation, and it's sexual assault regardless of whether the perpetrator gets a thrill out of it.

Speak to the Headteacher ASAP. If they fail to act, and stop this behaviour, speak to the police.