To not want to go to their bbq?

[Mrsunderstood]

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

I can't get beyond the whole "DH told me not to speak to SIL"

What the actual fuck?

Not only has this woman been cheated on and had her marriage break up but she's lost a support network as well?

And there are kids involved?

Shame on your DH and shame on you for agreeing to cut this poor woman out.

Does your husband think he’s your boss? I would have continued to see SIL and facilitated contact between the cousins with her.

No, of course you don’t have to go to the BBQ. Maybe you could arrange to see XSIL instead?

I’d probably go tbh. If you are all young enough to have kids that are “fine” with their father looking after them and need relationships with cousins facilitated by adults then you could have 50 years of this to go. If it’s just you and dh and dcs then no, but if it’s a bigger party then it’s an easy way to spend time in the same company when it isn’t anything important like a wedding. It’s unrealistic to avoid forever if your dh wants to maintain a relationship and you want the dc to see cousins. I would probably turn down any just your family and them invitations or Christmas but go to bigger, wider, things.

Dumping your SIL when you like her and get on with her was unkind to the person in the situation who needed kindness most. I suspect you know that, and think it can be made up by shunning the culprits, but it really can’t. You owe her an apology but she might throw it back in your face.

Husband Is the unreasonable one here !! The getting over part should not be forced on you and the other woman sounds like she's marking her territory firmly .

You should go to the BBQ. This woman isn't going anywhere by the sounds of it, therefore you just need to get on with it for the sake of everyone. Unless you plan on causing a huge issue and never going to anything she attends moving forward.
I think you are unreasonable for dropping your ex SIL completely, and to be honest the moment you did that you lost the right to be all moral about things.

Good idea. Don’t let DH tell you who you’re allowed to be friends with. If SIL’s children spend more time with her than with their father, as is usual, your friendship with her will allow your DC more time with them too.

Your dh sounds like a massive prick.

You don’t get to tell someone who they can and can’t speak to and christ, saying they have to come somewhere as they are your wife?! What the hell.

Your poor ex SIL. Honestly, I would be phoning her, apologising for the lack of contact and telling her your dh was being a prick.

I am still friends with my ex husband’s siblings. Im still friends with one of thier now ex wives. I’m glad none of them cut me out.

I agree that you should have stayed friends with SIL. Do you have a MIL? Have you all cut her off? I don't know if I'd go, I'd want to see how my DNs were and how she was with them. I wouldn't trust their father, or your DH to safeguard them tbh. You've already lost your SIL in all this, so could find yourself ousted a bit,especially cone Christmas. How has your BIL been about maintenance etc, fairly decent?

@Mrsunderstood
Are you the person who started a thread a few weeks ago about your BIL and the OW coming to your house and the BIL had a strop because you still had family photos up in your hall that had your SIL in them?

If so, I remember then thinking your DH sounded particularly spineless. Sounds like he daren't speak his mind or stand up to his brother but tries to dictate to his wife.

Don't go if you don't want to and make sure they know why. And do try to get back on friendly terms with your SIL. I understand what people are saying that, long term, if your BIL sticks with this OW and your DH wants to stay friends with his brother, you may have to get used to socialising with her. However, no way would I be pretending his previous wife and family don't exist. I would make sure they know I still see them and drop them in to conversation whenever I was round.

Your DH is being totally UR to say you can’t be in contact with X-sil. I wouldn't accept that at all.

New Sil BBQ - I’d go for my kids and be civil but would be keeping my distance till they’ve managed a good few years together. I suspect I’m a good bit older than you OP and know several couples like this who’ve now been married to the affair partner far longer than they were married to original spouse. But also a fair few who the grass wasn’t actually greener and it only lasted a couple of years!

Is this the same BIL who wanted your photos that included his wife take down because they upset his new woman?

That’s what I thought!

@Mrsunderstood her shit of an exh has betrayed her, moved on and stolen everyone from her former family

Tell your H that your former SIL has suffered enough and the fact that he’s so callous about her really makes you doubt HIS character.

nobody tells me who i can or can not be friends with, so if you want to be in contact with ex-sil - that is up to you, OP

Also nobody tells me that i will go to family occasions and smile and wave and suck it up, i am not a minor member of the royal family who has to "sing for my supper".

So, i would say "have fun at the BBQ, i am not going" and then decide case by case if you want to attend events BIL and new gf are hosting.

You need to decide what to do about events at yours, and elsewhere where BIL and gf will be. It would be silly just to not go to any of it, and it would be extremely rude to everyone if you go and blank her or make a scene. You need to find a way to make it work.

Whoah I did not expect these responses and I haven’t read them all yet but I will add. Their separation was messy to the point where I was being dragged into things it was all just dreadful and they were dragging each other through court. So at the time it was the right thing to do and if I knew he was just planning to end up with the OW all the way through I would have stuck my foot down a bit more but I was none the wiser. Long term I don’t know I don’t see them often enough to care in all honesty.

I wondered that. That OP never returned to
the thread.

I wouldn’t go. You don’t like them for what they’ve done. You don’t have to go along with it. Your Dh can go with the kids and have a lovely day. Cheating drama aside, he doesn’t need a chaperone to spend time with his family and you don’t need to do everything together.

I got the same thing when BIL and exSIL broke up. Dh and BIL didn’t want me to stay friends with her. We’d known each other 14 years and were genuine friends (though they lived far away from us so we didn’t see each other often). I did sort of understand it because the break up was incredibly painful and it was exSIL who did the cheating with multiple people. It literally drove BIL who I care a lot about to contemplating suicide and several years of therapy. I did really feel for him and how painful it was, but she was still my friend for a long time. We have maintained contact, but quietly. But no way would I have been trotting out to BBQs with her and the people she cheated with like we were just having a lovely family day, no.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to not attend a family event, no matter the reason, though.

If this helps you make your mind up I was the sil. My ex cheated with one of my friends. I was treated like the guilty party and ostracised by the whole family including my sil who I had always been friendly with. It was very painful. I know blood is thicker than water but seeing them all accepting OW as family was such a kick in the teeth when I was already so low. I have only seen them 3 times since - at weddings and funerals. My ex-bil kind of mumbles and looks at the floor and avoids me. His wife acted bright and chatty as if we were still friends which in a way was worse. I was polite but not friendly.

I wouldn't give up my relationship with my SIL because my husband has a shitty brother and told me to do so. I'd skip the BBQ and let the kids go with your controlling husband.

Yes BIL and OW are trying to normalise it all. Bloody grim. No way would I be entertaining that, ever. I had similar with my ex and OW. She tried to get one of my closest friends and her husband round for dinner. Fortunately that husband had some morals and told her that that would never happen. Cheeky cow. These people are scumbags.

"DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation ".

I don't get that one bit, not that you went along with it.

What's done is done but if you don't feel comfortable about going, do not go. Put your foot down - and see your ex-sister-in-law with whom you were friendly, she must feel hurt by you cutting her out.

Haven't RTFT but did your husband really tell you that you had to go because you're his wife OP or are you paraphrasing? If mine had said something like "I know you're not happy about this and nor am I really, but he's my brother and I want to maintain a relationship with him, and the kids with their cousins. I'd really appreciate it if you'd support me and come along too." then I'd consider gritting my teeth, showing up and being civil but no more. But if my DH really told me that I had to do something I was morally opposed to because I'm his wife and he says so, I'd probably be taking steps to solve that problem by ensuring that I wasn't his wife for much longer.

Of course the divorce was messy, your BIL was lying to his ex and everyone else it seems about having the OW.

Imagine being gaslit every day of your life about things you KNOW to be true (your H having a relationship with OW) and being told you’re crazy and delusional and the marriage broke down because of things that you did, rather than the fact he had his dick in another woman.

Would that make your divorce nice and easy? Of course not.

Divorce is ugly 99% of the time and when it’s not it because both people have been open and honest about what they are doing and have shown kindness to the other party.

Lying and cheating throughout the divorce process is going to make it a hideous time for everyone involved. And when the truth came out that the BIL had been lying about the OW, you ditched your SIL instead of apologising and saying “you were right all along, he’s a lying weasel.”

That says a lot about the morals of your BIL, your H and you OP.

Hi MrUnderstood

You're being a control dick. You don't get to choose who your wife is friends with and who she is 'not allowed' to be friends with.

If your brother can't keep his dick in his own pants, thats not your wife's problem to tolerate. If she is uncomfortable with it, she's allowed to be. Actions have consequences and all that.

That doesn't affect your relationship with your brother. You can still see him. She's not stopping you.

Ultimately this will require the passage of time for all parties to calm down and dust to settle. You can't just expect someone to drop one friendship and then be nicey nicey to the cheating couple just like that. Anger has to be allowed to pass otherwise you are risking ending up with the new relationship getting off to a bad start and everyone hating each other anyway.

Your brother knew it was going to cause upset. He has to deal with that and take responsibility for it. And you need to put how your wife feels first BEFORE your dickhead of a brother otherwise you are disrespecting her.

You wanted her to post a thread to see who was being unreasonable.

The answer is YOU. (and your brother)

HTH

Two wrongs don't make a right.
You should not have dropped SIL, the mother of your DH's blood relatives and your children's cousins, who presumably live with her still.
You need to go and be polite rather than gushing or loving for the sake of the cousins. Civility costs nothing.

in 20 years when your dh and BIL are caring for his parent(s) you will likely need good relationships so I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face

I don't think its anywhere near the same. Its brother inviting brother.

I think Op trying to avoid them is just going to cause more issues.
This new woman could potentially become Aunty by marriage to Ops kids, how do you tell BIL is partner isn't welcome at your kids birthday without causing a fuss 🤔

I don't see anything wrong with Op staying in touch with the Ex, but trying to avoid the new woman isn't good.

Sooner or later circumstances will bring them together, parents illness, family wedding, birthdays.
The BBQ is low key get the first meeting over and done with.