To not want to go to their bbq?

[Mrsunderstood]

BIL and the OW have now moved in together and she’s organised this family bbq day. I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

I think the both of them are disgusting and if there happy then fair enough good luck to them they’ve both cheated on their long term partners and cause so much destruction and now playing happy families.

The only issues are my children obviously have there cousins that they want to see. DH is more than capable to take the kids on his own.

Do I have to suck it up and go? It completely goes against my morals and the person that I am it feels so wrong.

I wouldn’t go but would contact ex sil to see if she wants to meet up while they are there. Just because BIL and her aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean you can’t see her and your dc have a right to see their cousins.

I didn’t say it was. I was referring to pissing on territory. I still wouldn’t entertain it. Sorry, it’s something I feel very strongly about and if somebody did that in my family, they’d get short shrift. The only time I’ve ever felt sympathy in an affair situation with somebody close to me
was when the “OW” was being severely abused and controlled by her husband which I knew to be fact. In that case, I was glad it happened because it got her out. Otherwise, it’s a hard line for me.

This. Why should you drop ex-Sil wouldn’t everyone prefer to maintain family relations when kids involved.

Personally I'd go to the BBQ. It's probably not realistic to completely avoid contact with your husband's brother unless you refuse to go to all future family style events and, as you say, this might hurt your kids. You also say that you rarely see him anyway, so presumably you won't have to tolerate his new bit of stuff very often.

As for dumping your SIL. Wtf! She's been a long time friend and is mother to your children's cousins. How can you cut her out of your life. Why does your DH think that's necessary, moral or even possible. Controlling fuckwit. Tell him to get stuffed.

I wholeheartedly agree.

It is not a given that OW will ever be accepted.

You've already taken sides by ignoring your ex SIL. She must be devastated by the behaviour from you and your DH even if there will simply be odd occasions when you see her again, that's an appalling way to behave to someone who has done nothing wrong out of loyalty to a sibling/BIL who has been an utter arse.

Go to the bbq. It is what it is and you can be a civilised grown up while not pretending she's your new best mate. Especially if you're going to be told she's persona non grata when BIL moves on to his next model.

in 20 years when your dh and BIL are caring for his parent(s) you will likely need good relationships so I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face

care to explain this bit, @RosesAndHellebores - why would OP need good relationships in this situation?

Play the longest game you can. You want your children to keep seeing their cousins so keep in touch with the ex (and explain to your ~controlling~ DH it is for this reason) and give the new one and your bill no reason to dislike you. The fact you maintain contact with his ex will be enough of a thorn in their side anyway.

Your dh sounds very controlling. I would tell him to go fuck himself.

Kegs. Common? Moi?

Is it a surrendered wife or religious thing, I have not encountered anyone who would end a relationship as their spouse told them to, unless it was something very controlling or abusive? Or did you chose to end it but blaming him?

im also unsure if the end game here or what you’re trying ro achieve, you ended the relationship with your sil simply as you were told to, that’s the way bigger deal than going to a bbq, but now you want to show your judgement and not go, or maybe will you just make an excuse and hide behind your husband, it’s hard to fathom.

if you want to make a point, then own it, say you won’t see them again as you abhor cheating so much you can never be round people who have, and that means both of them, him and her, or go and play nice. What you can’t do is make an excuse and hide behind it. That’s no stand,

it was messy because he is a lying cheat.

And maybe if cheaters felt a bit more shame they’d bother to actually end their marriages before shacking up with someone else and gaslighting their “loved” ones.

He's your husbands brother and any woman in his life is going to be in yours to some extent, if you don't accept that, family occasions are going to be hell all round. Of course you can remain friends with the SIL that you like, the two are different things. You don't know what happened behind closed doors or why they split up I'm sure there will be two different versions and best not to take sides.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The poor children being caught up in the BIL's household.

My Dad's brother behaved like this many years ago and my Dad was horrified. We kids, and our Mum and Dad, never associated with his brother in the same familiar way again. We were polite at family gatherings and friendly enough to our older cousins.
My Dad insisted on treating his exSIL with respect.

I think you are right to be uncomfortable and not want to spend time in the cheating couple's company..

You stopped speaking to sil?

Don’t go and take you SIL out for a nice childfree lunch and bottle of wine.

DH would be told to fuck off if he thinks he can dictate who I am friends with - not that he would try.

Because caring for elderly parents is a whole lot easier if you co-ordinate what you are doing.

There's loads of reasons why trying to avoid a future SIL is a bad idea.

Even think your own kids wedding, they want to invite Uncle and Aunt but their own Mum creates an atmosphere trying to avoid Auntie.

She’s not their auntie though, is she?

I understand - in my friend’s situation there were children and the ex DIL remained polite towards her ex PIL when picking up the DC, but they told their son they didn’t want her to pick the DC up. Basically they cut her off. She wasn’t trying to hang on to him, just be courteous with her DCs’ grandparents. My friend has maintained a good friendship with her.

She's got exactly the same relationship to Ops kids as the Uncles ex does.

There is also the potential that Uncle and this lady will have children together. Those children would be Ops kids cousins, exactly the same as Uncles existing children.

No, you're not common, it says kecks are more common.
I wonder if AI realises the two meanings of common and, usual or frequent would have been better words to use.
However, we digress ☺️

Doesn’t work for me. My auntie is the woman I’ve known since I was born, the mother of my cousins, who I am close to. The side piece my uncle later left her for is not my auntie and never will be. My auntie is the person who has been there my entire life. I’m sorry that so many people on this thread are quite happy to interchange relatives because men can keep their cocks in their pants.

Do you have free will or do you do what your husband commands you to do????

Have a migraine on the day, contact your sil and have a girls day