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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that DP took the key so we couldn’t go out?

178 replies

WhatJustHappened9 · 19/08/2025 21:04

Im on holiday with DP and my 2 DC from previous relationship. We are in a country visiting family and staying at a villa. DP has been in a shitty mood all day, snapping at most things I say. Me and DC had a snack at about 5.30, DP didn’t want anything. At just after 7, he said he was going for food with his relative, were we going? I just said no. I said no to him as we’d not long since eaten so didn’t want something right now, and to be honest, I didn’t want to be around his shitty mood, it’s best to just leave him be with it.

It got to about 8.30 and DC said they were hungry. No probs, we will go and grab something. But I couldn’t find the key. Messaged DP, no answer, then phoned him, no answer, then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?! (I read it like I was being a bit dumb asking because it was so obvious)
Erm, by me leaving the key in the key safe if we were to go out.

He said it was fine for me to go out as I could just pull the door to lock it. My response was well if you’re not back before us, how are me and DC going to get back in?!

We wouldn’t be going far (on foot) so wouldn’t be long. It’s now almost 11 and he’s not back and not said how long so I’m glad I didn’t just go out like I said. I managed to get a takeaway to sort the food situation, but AIBU to be pissed off that he took the key with little to no regards for us?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 10:14

Poopeepoopee · 20/08/2025 10:04

Yeah this.

Also, who has a snack so big that it ruins a family dinner planned for later on?

Show quote history

The “family dinner” you speak of, I had no knowledge of until 20 minutes before he went out. It was a fairly casual, last minute arrangement so it seems. We found out about it after we’d had the snack. And it wasn’t so big as DC were then hungry an hour after he’d gone. So I don’t think I’ve “ruined” anything.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 10:15

crazeekat · 20/08/2025 10:12

LTB. What if there had been a fire would u have been anle
to
get out elsewhere??
he’s a controlling dik

The front door was open!!!!!!!

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 10:18

Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 10:10

She wasn't locked in the house!!! Jesus Christ some of these comments.

OP said that her and DC didn't want to go out for food.
DP went out and took key with him (thoughtless but not abuse territory)
DP thought that because OP said they didn't want to go out for dinner, they weren't going out so didn't need the key.
Front door was in fact open (as is evident by the fact that OP had a takeaway delivered) so they weren't "locked in".

I can't really see how this is such a huge issue tbh. My DH did the same not so long ago (when our builders had the second set of keys for a couple of days). Went out, took the keys so he didn't have to wake me when he came in but forgetting I couldn't lock up (or leave the house myself) without them. Bit of a pain in the arse but not really the end of the world.

Show quote history

Yeah, he thought they were not going out in the evening (unlike all the other days they went for a night walk or late ice cream) so he took the keys because:
... then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?!

That makes perfect sense.

nomas · 20/08/2025 10:20

BlankBlankBlank14 · 20/08/2025 08:14

Yeah, a moody day and all change father figure again…

We’ve no idea why he was moody either, no context on that.

So two down, next!!

If it’s a one off, which you’d presume because why introduce your DCs if it’s not.

Edited
Show quote history

OP has said it's not a one off, and she said that before you posted.

Why do some people always tie themselves in knots making excuses for shitty men?

Cardinalita90 · 20/08/2025 10:22

I think this is is being blown up into something bigger than it needs to be. Unless he's got form for stuff like this, it was a miscommunication between you both. Move on.

You seem to be quite disjointed as a family with your eating times (including breakfast this morning). If you don't feel the need to eat together fine, but it seems odd you're away as a family unit but eating at different times. Maybe a bit more communication about dinner plans earlier in the day Will help.

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 10:24

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 10:18

Yeah, he thought they were not going out in the evening (unlike all the other days they went for a night walk or late ice cream) so he took the keys because:
... then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?!

That makes perfect sense.

Show quote history

But how were we going to get back in if we did go out and he had the key and wasn’t back before us?

On the messages, he said him having the key wasn’t stopping us going out. Correct, it wasn’t. But say we had gone out at 8.30 and been out for an hour or even 2, how would me and DC have got back in without the key that he had on him to let himself back in? We would’ve been sat on the doorstep waiting for him to get back with no idea of what time he would be back

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 10:24

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 10:18

Yeah, he thought they were not going out in the evening (unlike all the other days they went for a night walk or late ice cream) so he took the keys because:
... then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?!

That makes perfect sense.

Show quote history

No but it doesn't sound abusive or controlling either! Just a bit thick!

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 10:28

Cardinalita90 · 20/08/2025 10:22

I think this is is being blown up into something bigger than it needs to be. Unless he's got form for stuff like this, it was a miscommunication between you both. Move on.

You seem to be quite disjointed as a family with your eating times (including breakfast this morning). If you don't feel the need to eat together fine, but it seems odd you're away as a family unit but eating at different times. Maybe a bit more communication about dinner plans earlier in the day Will help.

Completely agree with the communication about eating times. He’s an early riser so I made sure I was up, expecting him also to be awake. He didn’t stir so I took the DC for breakfast. We usually do eat together.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/08/2025 10:30

WhatJustHappened9 · 19/08/2025 22:28

I think the reaction to it hasn’t helped. Like he wasn’t concerned, just bothered that he could get in. He didn’t say oh shit sorry, didn’t realise you were going out / forgot about te key safe, I’ll run back and drop it off. He didn’t even tell me how long he would be when I asked him so I could time it so I could go out with the DC and get back around the same time (or us after) so we could both get in. I think I’m more disappointed in his lack of concern.

Show quote history

I think I would have said, "Fine, since you don't seem to care about how we will manage without a key, the kids and I are going to go out and we will leave the door ajar. The three of us will take our valuables with us but I don't want to be lugging your iPad around so you'll just have to hope no one is prowling around."

Shinyandnew1 · 20/08/2025 10:32

then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?!

Have you not all been using the key safe all week?

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 10:39

WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 10:24

But how were we going to get back in if we did go out and he had the key and wasn’t back before us?

On the messages, he said him having the key wasn’t stopping us going out. Correct, it wasn’t. But say we had gone out at 8.30 and been out for an hour or even 2, how would me and DC have got back in without the key that he had on him to let himself back in? We would’ve been sat on the doorstep waiting for him to get back with no idea of what time he would be back

Show quote history

Exactly.

My "that makes perfect sense" was an irony pointed at the previous poster who supports the line he took the key BECAUSE he thought you wouldn't want to go out.

As I wrote previously, don't let anyone here gaslight you into thinking you were wrong in this.
People just like to give a good kicking and you are the only available target here.

SaladAndChipsForTea · 20/08/2025 10:45

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/08/2025 09:34

Did you read literally any of the OP's posts properly?

Batshit take if so.

Show quote history

Is it possible to not have literally read it?

In summary - it's either LTB territory or its not. If its not, just move on.

GoneGirl12345 · 20/08/2025 10:52

YANBU

MN is bonkers sometimes with the pearl clutching over taking children out after 8.30!

And how dare you have a snack at 5.30 without discussing it first!!

I swear most posters seem to be locked in their houses by 5pm, dinner done by 6pm and never opening the door to anyone. What a sad way to live.

Dump the DP, he sounds very selfish.

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 10:53

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 10:39

Exactly.

My "that makes perfect sense" was an irony pointed at the previous poster who supports the line he took the key BECAUSE he thought you wouldn't want to go out.

As I wrote previously, don't let anyone here gaslight you into thinking you were wrong in this.
People just like to give a good kicking and you are the only available target here.

Show quote history

Ah! A spot of irony! I get it now!
The more I think about it and the messages, it just doesn’t add up, like Im going round in circles

OP posts:
Noelshighflyingturds · 20/08/2025 11:04

HappySummerDays · 19/08/2025 21:38

Do your children like him?

Children learn from a very early age how to like people that they’re survival depends upon
Doesn’t mean they actually like them

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 11:09

Noelshighflyingturds · 20/08/2025 11:04

Children learn from a very early age how to like people that they’re survival depends upon
Doesn’t mean they actually like them

Show quote history

I understand where you’re coming from but their survival doesn’t depend on him and they know that. He doesn’t live with us right now, I earn my own money and don’t rely on him for day to day as I’m hyper independent when it comes to making sure me and DC are taken care of.

OP posts:
HappySummerDays · 20/08/2025 11:15

What do they think of his shitty moods?

Trabbling · 20/08/2025 11:33

I honestly can't believe the hard time you're getting, OP!!

Of course you might want to go out later in the evening, and of course him taking the key wasn't stopping you from going out - but you also want to be able to get back in! Leaving you with no way of getting back in was really shitty of him.

Hope things are better today x

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 11:37

WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 10:53

Ah! A spot of irony! I get it now!
The more I think about it and the messages, it just doesn’t add up, like Im going round in circles

Show quote history

Maybe it is yet another case of a man goes on holiday with his new-ish partner and her children and than is surprised that he is on holidays with her and her children, specifically that the children are there and he isn't the main star?
So he is annoyed and sulky, but he knows he can't say why because he would sound like a complete twat. So he partially checks out, partially does some small mischief.

There were a few cases like that here over the summer.

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 11:39

Trabbling · 20/08/2025 11:33

I honestly can't believe the hard time you're getting, OP!!

Of course you might want to go out later in the evening, and of course him taking the key wasn't stopping you from going out - but you also want to be able to get back in! Leaving you with no way of getting back in was really shitty of him.

Hope things are better today x

I didn’t think I’d cause so much uproar by eating half a sarnie at half 5 or wanting to go outside after 7.30

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 11:41

HappySummerDays · 20/08/2025 11:15

What do they think of his shitty moods?

They haven’t really seen them up until now. They’ve asked what’s up with him and I’ve said I’m not sure at the moment. They know everyone gets grumpy and I’ve taught them it’s ok to be grumpy/upset/whatever emotion but it’s not ok to take it out on others.

OP posts:
zingally · 20/08/2025 11:58

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 19/08/2025 21:12

It’s lack of communication. You said no to going dinner on grounds you’d already eaten so he probably thought you’d not be going out and so took the key so he could come back to the villa without waking you up.

I agree ^

I think it's just a break down in communication. DP assumed that you'd eaten dinner at 5:30, which is a perfectly reasonable time for pre-teen children to have their final meal of the day.
Then he took the key to avoid disturbing you later on.

I don't think I'd automatically assume he was out to get you on this.

RubySquid · 20/08/2025 12:01

Bitzee · 19/08/2025 21:50

If someone said no to dinner at 7.30pm (the time he left) and not yes please but can we go in an hour or something to that effect, I’d probably assume they were not going to have dinner at all because it’s already quite late. So I don’t blame him for that. Your fault for not communicating that you and the kids would want to eat later. 5.30 is dinner time for some people so could have gone either way re eating again. He then took the key so he could get back in without waking you, I know you said there was a safe, but maybe he just didn’t think because walking out without your key is a normal everyday thing you do on autopilot. Not ideal but understandable.

I think you’re maybe reading into it more because he was in a shitty mood all day and there’s a cloud hanging over as a result.

7,30 dinner is actually early for some of us

RubySquid · 20/08/2025 12:05

crazeekat · 20/08/2025 10:12

LTB. What if there had been a fire would u have been anle
to
get out elsewhere??
he’s a controlling dik

Easily Just open the door and walk out

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 12:10

zingally · 20/08/2025 11:58

I agree ^

I think it's just a break down in communication. DP assumed that you'd eaten dinner at 5:30, which is a perfectly reasonable time for pre-teen children to have their final meal of the day.
Then he took the key to avoid disturbing you later on.

I don't think I'd automatically assume he was out to get you on this.

Show quote history

Yeah, after several days of late walks, night ice cream and
Throughout the holiday, we’ve been eating dinner between 8.30 and 9.30pm due to the heat and also culture.

He just assumed that noone will want to eat or leave a house for any reason after a 5:30 snack.
So he took the keys, and explained it with
... then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?!

That makes all the sense in the world, doesn't it?