AIBU that DP took the key so we couldn’t go out?

[WhatJustHappened9]

Im on holiday with DP and my 2 DC from previous relationship. We are in a country visiting family and staying at a villa. DP has been in a shitty mood all day, snapping at most things I say. Me and DC had a snack at about 5.30, DP didn’t want anything. At just after 7, he said he was going for food with his relative, were we going? I just said no. I said no to him as we’d not long since eaten so didn’t want something right now, and to be honest, I didn’t want to be around his shitty mood, it’s best to just leave him be with it.

It got to about 8.30 and DC said they were hungry. No probs, we will go and grab something. But I couldn’t find the key. Messaged DP, no answer, then phoned him, no answer, then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?! (I read it like I was being a bit dumb asking because it was so obvious)
Erm, by me leaving the key in the key safe if we were to go out.

He said it was fine for me to go out as I could just pull the door to lock it. My response was well if you’re not back before us, how are me and DC going to get back in?!

We wouldn’t be going far (on foot) so wouldn’t be long. It’s now almost 11 and he’s not back and not said how long so I’m glad I didn’t just go out like I said. I managed to get a takeaway to sort the food situation, but AIBU to be pissed off that he took the key with little to no regards for us?

Sorry I meant walking out WITH your key (not without) is a normal autopilot thing to do. Hopefully you got the gist despite the typo!

My point was that in isolation I see nothing wrong with what he did but no doubt his shitty mood from earlier in the day is casting a shadow. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

One of my abusive ex's favourite tricks was to hide my keys and then watch me get increasingly stressed while turning the house upside down for an hour looking for them and sometimes ending up having to stay in because of it. He would also loosen one of the fuses in my cars switchboard so that it wouldn't start. It's these kind of mind games where they can really get you and make you feel like you're going crazy because of course he would "find" the keys the instant he bothered to "help" me look and then belittle me for not having been able to find them and of course he could start the car when he eventually came out to help me. I could be way off the mark here but it's a well known tactic, making you feel like you're in the wrong/going mad.

He sounds awful

I think I’d be annoyed at this too BUT if it’s a one off I’d write it off as a stupid mistake after a shitty day.

7:30 isn't late to have dinner and 5:30 isn't a normal time to have dinner unless you happen to be a toddler.

Six of one, half a dozen the other.
Both of you contributed to a line of miscommunication.
No big deal unless it is part of a recurring pattern. Chalk it up to experience, move on.

It's annoying having only one key - can you get a second one? I can see this happening to DH and I out of habit of taking a key when you go out - but the one who accidentally took it would rectify by returning, or arranging to met up and exchange it. But it sounds like your partner wasn't fussed about inconveniencing you - which is a concern.

I think the reaction to it hasn’t helped. Like he wasn’t concerned, just bothered that he could get in. He didn’t say oh shit sorry, didn’t realise you were going out / forgot about te key safe, I’ll run back and drop it off. He didn’t even tell me how long he would be when I asked him so I could time it so I could go out with the DC and get back around the same time (or us after) so we could both get in. I think I’m more disappointed in his lack of concern.

Exactly this! I’ve just posted a reply to another post as you posted this to basically say the same think.
There isn’t a second key, just the key safe.

We’ve not been eating until 8.30/9.30
And my DC snack A LOT!

He sounds inconsiderate

No I meant 7.30 is a pretty normal dinner time and therefore late to make dinner plans so if someone says do you want dinner at that time and the response is just ‘no’ then it sounds like they don’t want it at all because otherwise wouldn’t you just say ‘yes but can we go at 8/8.30 instead’.

I don’t eat dinner at 5.30pm either but some people, not just toddlers, do like to eat early and it’s not totally inconceivable that food eaten at 5.30pm could constitute an early dinner and if someone just gave a blanket ‘no’ to dinner at 7.30 without expressing a preference to go a bit later then it seems a logical enough conclusion to draw that whatever was eaten then may be in place of the evening meal.

In short, I can see why her lack of communication combined with the fact that she had eaten at 5.30 meant that he came to the conclusion that she didn’t want to eat again. I’d have probably concluded the same thing tbh. But I still think he sounds like an arse for snapping and being in a mood all day so I have sympathy for OP not getting her wishes across clearly. It’s really hard to communicate with someone like that.

One day your kids are going to look back and say to each other 'remember that prick that Mum went out with?, what an arsehole.' and they will think less of you for letting him and his shitty moods into their life. No you weren't being unreasonable for expecting a key to your own holiday villa. No you shouldn't be expected to eat with a miserable bastard. The problem here is his mood. Do your own thing on this holiday. Make sure you and your kids have a good time. That's all that matters. Then I would wonder what is this man bringing to your life, and is it worth disrupting your kids life for?

So that 8pm walk and ice cream you mentioned earlier was not dessert? But an aperitif?

How confusing, if someone had eaten at 5:30 and at 7:30 said no to just then going out to dinner I would have thought the 5:30 meal was their dinner.

And you saying you’ve been going on an evening walk for ice cream at 8pm indicated a post dinner walk with dessert, so dinner must usually be around 7:30 which you said only “no” to instead of
‘not with your relative, we will do our own dinner later so leave the key”

I would have thought the same as your DH, and I see I’m not the only poster to think this.

Which means your communication was not clear, so you are just as responsible for the key incident.

Which did no harm as you ordered takeaways,

If you were my partner and obsessed about the little things like this often, I’d be in a shitty mood too. You’ve changed too from he was being unreasonable to take the key because he didn’t read my mind or stomach to know we’d be hungry a half an hour after he asked us if we wanted dinner to he didn’t show any concern when I called him a half hour after he left saying I’m hungry now where’s the key?

Really, what concern should he show? You’re an adult and capable of feeding yourself and the DC.

Honestly its a pretty minor issue and not worthy of an argument in my opinion. How far away is he, could you not grab the key from him while you are out so you can get back in if he wasn't coming back till later?

What? Surely the only correct approach when you have multiple people staying somewhere with only one key and a key safe is to use the key safe so everyone can come and go? I have no idea why everyone is giving the OP a hard time about what time they had snacks, what time dinner is etc? Why should she be stuck inside without a key to get back in because her partner took the key instead of leaving it in the key safe, or finding a way to return it because he stuffed up.

“He stuffed up”
so it’s all his fault?
No responsibility on OP for saying no to going out to dinner at 7:30 and then half an hour later deciding she is hungry and calling him probably as he had just met up with the relative (the entire trip is about visiting) for agreed on dinner?

Embarrassing enough she has boycotted seeing the relative for dinner due to the two of them being in a mood, she also wants her DH to immediately show concern, and ditch them to bring her a key she doesn’t really need?

um ok.

Yes he stuffed up. When on holidays it's common to go out after dinner for walks etc - as the OP said they have been doing. So her not wanting to go to dinner then is irrelevant - he was an arse to go out with the only key and not caring enough to rectify his stuff up.
I suspect he is an arse full stop and didn't accidentally take the key, but took it in full knowledge he was being an arse as payback for OP not wanting to go to dinner. Which she didn't want to do at least partially because of him being in a shitty mood. Why is the bar so low for men.

When he asked her about dinner that was the time for OP to mention leave the key as we feel like an after dinner walk or I suspect we will be hungry about the time you are sitting down to dinner and will want to go on our own but then she would have had to not say the the “we are full we just ate” white lie and be clear she just didn’t want to go eat dinner with her DP and relative.

If she had been honest and communicated clearly, he would likely have not walked off with the key.

This is on both of them.

Agree to disagree. In my family and friend groups - when we stay somewhere with one key - it's on the person leaving to ask if they can take the key. And the answer would be no, if we go out we will leave it in the key safe. I'd be annoyed if someone just went out with the only key without mentioning it.

He is a man no matter what he does he will be at fault regardless

Wouldn't communication have made this whole process quicker?

Yes communication from him (the man) - the one doing the actual action of taking the key. Why would the onus be on the OP to predict what he is going to do (because seriously who deliberately takes the only key without saying anything) and ask him not to do it?

And even if it was an accident - which the OP has confirmed it wasn't- the normal response would 'oh shit yes I do have the key, when do you need it etc?'

Alright food police! They wanted an evening walk as they had been cooped up all day. In what world do you think it's ok for a man to take the key so his partner can't leave?

So, you've regularly went out/dinner/ice cream later in the evening.
He took a key without saying anything.
When messaged he didn't communicate about time/way for you to get a key.

YANBU and don't let other posters gaslight you into thinking you are