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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that DP took the key so we couldn’t go out?

178 replies

WhatJustHappened9 · 19/08/2025 21:04

Im on holiday with DP and my 2 DC from previous relationship. We are in a country visiting family and staying at a villa. DP has been in a shitty mood all day, snapping at most things I say. Me and DC had a snack at about 5.30, DP didn’t want anything. At just after 7, he said he was going for food with his relative, were we going? I just said no. I said no to him as we’d not long since eaten so didn’t want something right now, and to be honest, I didn’t want to be around his shitty mood, it’s best to just leave him be with it.

It got to about 8.30 and DC said they were hungry. No probs, we will go and grab something. But I couldn’t find the key. Messaged DP, no answer, then phoned him, no answer, then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?! (I read it like I was being a bit dumb asking because it was so obvious)
Erm, by me leaving the key in the key safe if we were to go out.

He said it was fine for me to go out as I could just pull the door to lock it. My response was well if you’re not back before us, how are me and DC going to get back in?!

We wouldn’t be going far (on foot) so wouldn’t be long. It’s now almost 11 and he’s not back and not said how long so I’m glad I didn’t just go out like I said. I managed to get a takeaway to sort the food situation, but AIBU to be pissed off that he took the key with little to no regards for us?

OP posts:
LittleBitofBread · 20/08/2025 08:25

WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 08:10

How often…. It’s not all the time but it does happen on occasion every now and again.

Show quote history

I'd be having a conversation about his moods and snapping. When he snaps, I'd ask why he speaks to you that way.

Praying4Peace · 20/08/2025 08:26

I'm on holiday at the moment in a hot country and it's easy to see how people get irritated with each other and misunderstood

Meandmyguy · 20/08/2025 08:28

There was no food situation.

There's 2 of you in it.

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 08:41

TooOldTo · 20/08/2025 08:22

What time did he get back?

Just after 11.30

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 08:44

ClarasSisters · 20/08/2025 08:11

Is there not a back door with a key you could have used to go out?

No there wasn’t.

OP posts:
Tigergirl80 · 20/08/2025 08:47

He’s a selfish arse.

TooOldTo · 20/08/2025 08:47

WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 08:41

Just after 11.30

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And he’d expected the three of you to be waiting outside till that time? YANBU.

Tigergirl80 · 20/08/2025 08:51

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 19/08/2025 21:40

Yes, but you did not communicate that to him clearly before he left. Who snacks at 5:30pm with preteen DC? Do they have a bedtime of midnight?

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On holiday we eat when we’re hungry drink when we’re dry. You don’t always want a full meal especially when it’s hot sometimes you just want a snack.

rainbowstardrops · 20/08/2025 08:55

Well I don’t think he took the key by accident, or so he wouldn’t wake you up. He knew perfectly well (based on previous evenings) that you’d need to go out for food at some point.
Whose family are you visiting and do you know why he was in a shitty mood all day?

Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 08:57

Dramatic · 19/08/2025 22:09

One of my abusive ex's favourite tricks was to hide my keys and then watch me get increasingly stressed while turning the house upside down for an hour looking for them and sometimes ending up having to stay in because of it. He would also loosen one of the fuses in my cars switchboard so that it wouldn't start. It's these kind of mind games where they can really get you and make you feel like you're going crazy because of course he would "find" the keys the instant he bothered to "help" me look and then belittle me for not having been able to find them and of course he could start the car when he eventually came out to help me. I could be way off the mark here but it's a well known tactic, making you feel like you're in the wrong/going mad.

That sounds horrible but really doesn't sound like what's happening here. The fact that the OP texted him and he replied straight away with an explanation would make me think it was just a mistake and he didn't think. Not really the end of the world. Although, from all the "leave the bastard as soon as you get home" I don't think others agree with me 😂

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 09:01

Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 08:57

That sounds horrible but really doesn't sound like what's happening here. The fact that the OP texted him and he replied straight away with an explanation would make me think it was just a mistake and he didn't think. Not really the end of the world. Although, from all the "leave the bastard as soon as you get home" I don't think others agree with me 😂

Show quote history

He didn’t reply straight away. First message went unanswered for a while. I had to phone a few times before eventually I got a message back and he answered the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 09:04

rainbowstardrops · 20/08/2025 08:55

Well I don’t think he took the key by accident, or so he wouldn’t wake you up. He knew perfectly well (based on previous evenings) that you’d need to go out for food at some point.
Whose family are you visiting and do you know why he was in a shitty mood all day?

No idea about the mood and wanted to speak to him in private (without DC listening) to understand why but I didn’t get the opportunity before this happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 09:05

Dramatic · 19/08/2025 22:09

One of my abusive ex's favourite tricks was to hide my keys and then watch me get increasingly stressed while turning the house upside down for an hour looking for them and sometimes ending up having to stay in because of it. He would also loosen one of the fuses in my cars switchboard so that it wouldn't start. It's these kind of mind games where they can really get you and make you feel like you're going crazy because of course he would "find" the keys the instant he bothered to "help" me look and then belittle me for not having been able to find them and of course he could start the car when he eventually came out to help me. I could be way off the mark here but it's a well known tactic, making you feel like you're in the wrong/going mad.

I’m really sorry you went through this. Sounds awful

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 20/08/2025 09:07

What’s he like this morning?
And like I asked, whose family are you visiting?

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 09:08

Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 08:57

That sounds horrible but really doesn't sound like what's happening here. The fact that the OP texted him and he replied straight away with an explanation would make me think it was just a mistake and he didn't think. Not really the end of the world. Although, from all the "leave the bastard as soon as you get home" I don't think others agree with me 😂

Show quote history

Really?

Messaged DP, no answer, then phoned him, no answer, then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?! (I read it like I was being a bit dumb asking because it was so obvious)
Erm, by me leaving the key in the key safe if we were to go out.

Sounds we have different definitions of replied straight back.
If you make a mistake, won't you say "sorry" and try to remediate? In this case at least communicate when you will be back with the key so they could plan being out for long enough? The explanation makes no sense unless he expects they might want to go out. And than it makes no sense again.

SaladAndChipsForTea · 20/08/2025 09:18

Yabu, he was going out so he took the key.

Yulou said you'd eaten and weren't hungry.

You have pre-teen children. Where would you have been going at 8:30? Food was easily resolved with a takeaway.

Completely unreasonable to expect him to leave and come back woth the key and let down someone he is already out with. Borderline controlling and like you want to punish him by interrupting his plans.

The adult way of dealing with it was to acknowledge the atmosphere and say you were going to give the evening a miss but would appreciate him leaving the key. Or is he expected to be think about the key before going out but you aren't?

In the big scheme of things, thus is such a minor inconvenience and you're only pissy about it because you've both had a shitty day together.

Start afresh and salvage the holiday if it's a rare occurrence. Otherwise LTB. The inbetween is being "right" but spoiling the holiday for the kids by carrying over the mood. He's either a good bloke being a twat and the bigger picture is to move on, or he's a total dickhead that you should split up from.

pizzaHeart · 20/08/2025 09:20

I would be furious about key situation. And the only response I would accept: Sorry, I accidentally took it. What shall we do now?
I also can’t see a problem with your kids having snacks at random hours - it often happens on a holiday.
Your DP wasn’t deprived of food, he went out with his relative and should have discussed plans with you, especially if he was planning to come back very late.

Starlight7080 · 20/08/2025 09:23

How long have you been together?
It doesnt sound like a great relationship for your dc to be exposed too

Slimtoddy · 20/08/2025 09:31

So he left at 7 and you had said you weren't hungry as you had recently smacked. Why didn't you say something like - could we go later? Or why didn't you go knowing you had to eat that evening even if it was early. I think this is where it escalated. You were annoyed with him because of his mood, you communicated that by saying no to eating at 7 (but not suggesting alternative time), he in turn is annoyed that you said no to eating and took the key either accidentally or deliberately.

I think you are both angry with each other and you need to discuss as calmly as possible. With the limited information I have and only hearing your side it seems his mood triggered the whole thing. Does this happen often?

InWalksBarberalla · 20/08/2025 09:32

You have pre-teen children. Where would you have been going at 8:30?

Out for dinner, or a walk and an icecream? Going out at 8.30 pm with pre teen children isn't unusual on summer holidays surely?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/08/2025 09:34

SaladAndChipsForTea · 20/08/2025 09:18

Yabu, he was going out so he took the key.

Yulou said you'd eaten and weren't hungry.

You have pre-teen children. Where would you have been going at 8:30? Food was easily resolved with a takeaway.

Completely unreasonable to expect him to leave and come back woth the key and let down someone he is already out with. Borderline controlling and like you want to punish him by interrupting his plans.

The adult way of dealing with it was to acknowledge the atmosphere and say you were going to give the evening a miss but would appreciate him leaving the key. Or is he expected to be think about the key before going out but you aren't?

In the big scheme of things, thus is such a minor inconvenience and you're only pissy about it because you've both had a shitty day together.

Start afresh and salvage the holiday if it's a rare occurrence. Otherwise LTB. The inbetween is being "right" but spoiling the holiday for the kids by carrying over the mood. He's either a good bloke being a twat and the bigger picture is to move on, or he's a total dickhead that you should split up from.

Did you read literally any of the OP's posts properly?

Batshit take if so.

chaosmaker · 20/08/2025 09:38

He should have used the key safe but sounds like he didn't consider or care about anyone else's needs or whether you'd need a key later on.

Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 09:38

FourIsNewSix · 20/08/2025 09:08

Really?

Messaged DP, no answer, then phoned him, no answer, then I got a message to say he had the key because how else was he going to get in the villa if we decided to go out?! (I read it like I was being a bit dumb asking because it was so obvious)
Erm, by me leaving the key in the key safe if we were to go out.

Sounds we have different definitions of replied straight back.
If you make a mistake, won't you say "sorry" and try to remediate? In this case at least communicate when you will be back with the key so they could plan being out for long enough? The explanation makes no sense unless he expects they might want to go out. And than it makes no sense again.

Show quote history

Ok I shouldn't have said "straight away" but he was out for dinner with friends / family?! I never have my phone out on the table if I'm socialising as it's rude.

Crunchymum · 20/08/2025 09:39

I can't believe people are giving the OP a hard time.

Surely you don't take the only key unless you are wanting to make a statement? It's all power play.

Original poster
WhatJustHappened9 · 20/08/2025 09:46

rainbowstardrops · 20/08/2025 09:07

What’s he like this morning?
And like I asked, whose family are you visiting?

His family.
No idea what mood he’s in. He stayed asleep whilst me and DC got up and went out for breakfast. Whether he was asleep or not, I don’t know. I suspect not, but we were hungry so we’ve left him undisturbed. We’ve left the key in the villa with a note asking him to leave it in the key safe if he goes out.

OP posts:
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