Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

Every other weekend is what Dads did in the 1980s and 90s. It's an embarrassing amount of time. It's not the Mum's job to facilitate your contact, it's up to your son. He needs to go to court and have them a couple of days during the week. They can have dinner at his, then he can drive them home. If his job doesn't accommodate that well he will have to apply for flexible hours or find a new job, just like what a Mother would have to do. His children are going to question his lack of commitment when they are older and his relationship with his children will be strained. He is being a shit Father.

But don't worry. In ten years time, when he marries and has more kids, you will probably get to see them loads and they will be the favoured ones as he seems to have already given up on his first kids.

Also every boxing day is fine in my opinion. Lots of Grandparents don't spend Christmas day with their Grandkids.

I think there are a few issues here but ultimately it seems like your son is happy with current arrangements and is unwilling to facilitate you having more time with your GC. I don’t think it is fair to blame the mum as she makes valid points. She is doing the bulk of the childcare due to the fact your son only lives in a one bed flat and is too far from the house to help with school runs or have them after school. Their mum works in a school so it is easier for her to have them more or less full time.

Your son needs a bigger place and ideally closer to his children so he can step up more. Then it might be possible for you to see them more regularly. Of course if you could drive and offer more help then it would be easier if mum agreed to let you but the whole family are going through a difficult time and your feelings are not really a priority.

At the same time, GPs don't have to be involved in everything. Sometimes it's nice to just have the nuclear family there. Grandparents are more likely to be involved if they are present positively than if they try to take over everything. Yes, I gate keep my family and will keep out people who aren't a positive addition. That's my job as a mother, to protect my children and family. I don't care who you are if you're a negative influence.

Don’t you think they have enough going on, adjusting to this new phase of their lives, without you meddling?

Well, the majority of grandparents aren't toxic and love their grandchildren. I don't know, there just seems to be a lot of tension between today's parents and grandparents, and it seems a pity when I consider how much I value memories of my grandparents now I'm 51. In the future, I don't think today's children will thank their parents once they are adults for keeping grandparents away. Then there's also the issue that today's children might absorb what today's parents are modelling and exclude them from their future lives and children, too.

That's what stood out to me too. OP doesn't care if she takes the kods away from her son. One of those mothers who doesn't give a thought about her own son anymore once she has grandkids.

Super sad.

Also stop saying Dil is controlling - you're very overbearing. Seems like you thought if you fork out money that you are entitled to your grandkids time. You sound terribly transactional OP. Might be a problem worth looking into.

Your son needs to step up more as a Dad. He's making excuses.

Can.you not help with childcare at this time then? You said you can have children on inservice days so assuming no work?

@horsiehow do you know how many gps are and aren’t toxic?

I think there have been inter generational tensions since forever.

Some GPs on MN really think the world revolves around them and what they want. It’s those GPS who are unable to sort out their own lives socially or whatever and think their dcs and gcs owe them.

Your son has 3 children and chose to live in a 1 bed flat -this is the issue. The fact he turned down living at yours indicates strongly that he is the issue and is choosing little time with them. I feel for his ex.

Not saying most are toxic, just saying that involvement isn't a given at the level some seem to want. They don't have to be everywhere.

I'm the same age as you and never had grandparents I knew. They've only died in recent years. I met them once, briefly. My memories of them are just knowing they existed and getting cards from them, but not knowing them. I don't thank my parents for this, like you said.

Yes, I totally absorbed what I learned about grandparents as a child. It was very hard for me to know how to have family outside the nuclear family. This has possibly been a bit disappointing for them, but I'm incredibly independent and expect no different than to need to be so.

My MIL played favourites among my children and played games with them, so she didn't have much involvement. I wasn't going to allow that.

You said ‘we don’t drive.’ If he drives then he doesn’t need to live in the same village as his ex. He can drive there to see the children if he finishes work at 4.30. Does the school have breakfast club? He could have the children over night (he needs a 2 bed) and take them to breakfast club. He could use annual leave to see them during half term etc. He’s not trying.

If your son wants to see them more and she is obstructing this he needs to organise mediation.

she cannot stop him from seeing them for full weekend because of tennis. They’re 5 + 3.

he doesn’t have to put up with 2 days a month. He is choosing to. If he can’t rock the boat for his kids then what’s the point.

but he needs to live closer so he can do drop offs and ask work for flexibility like every other single parent. he can do one weekend day a month for work in return if fancies and have a weekly late start to drop kids off.

why is it only women who seem to know how to ask about workplace flexibility

time for him to step up and stop being a lemming. 2 days is unacceptable.

You live in a 3 bed house you could always downsize and assist him to afford something bigger and closer to the children.

i can understand him wanting to parent in his own space that is smart of him.

But if he is actually unhappy with minimal contact he needs do something. Otherwise if she decides to move away he won’t have leg to stand on as his time can be condensed to one weekend a month

Sounds like your son wants to keep you at a distance too.

Hahah here we go…

It sounds like your DS is a deadbeat dad. There’s a stack of excuses as to why he can’t do more, but seemingly no action on his side. How do you think the children’s mother navigates all these obstacles and conflicts that crop up in her life? She figures it out. Because she has to.
The reason you don’t see as much of your DGC as you’d like is because your son is largely uninterested in his children. You’re keen to be a part of the special moments, but how have you supported your son to step up and be a better dad?
He should’ve chosen to live closer to them if distance was the barrier to being a good parent.
I’m sorry but I think you’re frustrated at the symptoms and not the cause here.

You say he can’t do the school run because of work and lack of wrap around care, how do you think Mums cope? They have to either change their working hours or simply find a way. I suspect that’s why your son doesn’t want court ordered access, it will be too different for him

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

This would be very cruel and pushing your DGC out of your son’s life.

Could you or DH learn to drive?

How come he gets to have whatever job he wants, but Mum’s job choice is limited by childcare options?

I think you have to accept that your son and the children's mum are happy with the arrangements they have made and see your grandchildren when they are with your son.
It sounds as if you might improve your chances of spending more time with them by learning to drive?