Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

Mum can quickly take them in the car, so why go to all the rigmarole of starting the kids day super early, taking them to grannies only so they can take the bus to school (which OP has said means they would have to leave super early to make it work)? These are small kids of 3 and 5. Much better for them to not get up earlier than they need to and have quiet rather than rushed mornings. The day will feel long enough to them as it is.

Looks like he needs to man up and negotiate flexible working hours or find work conducive to his family life.

It’s not a DIL problem, all the main limitations are apparently posed by his work which is in his gift to change.

Are you literally expecting to see your grandchildren for a night every single week? That's far more than most children see grandparents. Once a month would be more normal

It’s not unreasonable for the first day of school to be just the parents and kids.
you already had all these milestones with your children so now someone else is experiencing it. Giving gifts shouldn’t come itv strings attached. You buy things for the grandchildren because you can, not because you expect access.

seems like things are just settling and fresh. Your son could do flexi work requests or look for other work to aid more visitation - 25mins is nothing. You shouldn’t act like it’s too much for him to do.

i can see why the mum doesn’t want her visits to be reduced for your time. It should come from your son but he isn’t seeing them often.

if I were you I’d just say that you’re having trouble adjusting as you’d like to see them more but on her terms. Could you agree a day a month or something like that. Good luck. Just keep going. It will settle down.

Have a heart though. Grandparents love their grandchildren.

My granny used to cry when I left her after a visit. I grew up in a similiar situation in the opening post. I saw my gran every second week

I've read all your comments but not all the replies, so from another grandparent whose son isn't with his children's mother...

1. Learn to drive, this will improve your life in so many ways. You will then be able to.put a lot of things in place.

1. Offer to collect the children one day a week and give them tea then take them back to their mum's. Be flexible on the day, she may appreciate the couple of hours to herself, she's doing a lot.

1. If he works for the council he will get 5 weeks annual leave a year. Every day of this should be taken in school holidays to provide care for the children and a break for the mum. I'm not saying all days together but all of those 25 days should be with his children. The six of you could go away together for a few days, as well as him taking the children out for days, this can be an opportunity for him to take one out, while you have the others as I'm presuming he doesn't get one to one time with any of them.

It's difficult I know but make friends with the mum regardless of what has gone on between them.

I hope it works out for all of you.

Yes OP when you cost up the loss of earnings if he went PT to cover school drop off you’ll realise maintenance generally buys one a really top notch wraparound childcare service at bargain prices 🙄

This. Sorry, OP, but you've had your kids. You seem to want to relive your mothering days through your grandchildren, as if you are owed this time with them. My suggestion is you focus on your own life, and finding fulfilment that doesn't involve depending on others.

Your poor DIL, she's juggling everything! More importantly, she's juggling everything and making it work.

It's not unreasonable for your son to take a similar approach.

Grandparents love their grandchildren but they are not their children. They had their turn at being parents, now they have to be grandparents,which is a much more background role.

Your grandmother crying when you left isn't normal and could even been seen as emotionally manipulative. Grandparents really need to have their own lives outside living for someone else's kids.

She doesn’t get to call the shots like this. The fact of the matter is as if he really wanted it, he would get shared custody. Courts in this country favour 50-50, particularly for children that age.

He needs to insist on having them from Friday after school through to Sunday evening. And commence some court proceedings if she won’t allow that. Invest some money in that instead of Lily Kelly’s.

they have equal parental responsibility

So your son sees his 3 x children once in 14 days? No evenings does he take them for tea? You have offered your house for him to use but he says he's happy with this arrangement? Wow just wow! Honestly this is diabolical! He also won't push for more time as he doesn't want to cause problems with the mum? His priorities should be seeing more of his children not keeping the mum happy!
If he's not bothered now, give it a couple of years and he will have vanished from their lives. This is what you should be concentrating on, not how much you see them but how much their own father sees them.

He doesn’t want shared custody, obviously, otherwise he would have done as you suggest. And even if he did insist - would it be fair on the children?

The current arrangements are in the best interest of the children. They’re all sharing a bed in dad’s one bedroom flat while dad sleeps on the sofa. He’d have to admit himself that it’s not ideal they don’t have their own beds and bedroom.

Do you think that’s fair on them, to live like this for longer than a weekend just so dad can have his 50-50 split? I’d say they’re better as they are.

My heart goes out to you, OP. I think all you can do is keep letting your grandkids’ mother know you’d love opportunities to see them and press your son to have more time with them. One day a fortnight isn’t good parenting.

Sorry but you see them every other week that’s more than a lot of Grandparents get. If you make too much of an issue this could become less - did you want to chance antagonising a difficult situation that hasn’t properly settled yet.

The children’s mum will get annoyed if she keeps pestering her about this non issue.

If you read her updates, she wants to see the kids more despite not actually being able to offer any useful childcare that the mum wants. Neither OP nor the kids dad can help out in the school week, but she wants to take the mums precious weekend time with her kids!

The priority is father stepping up to see his children more- if that happens, then naturally OP would also see her grandkids more. OP shouldn’t go directly to the kids’ mum to try make this happen. I imagine she has her own wider family to think of.

Has he planned to rearrange his work to do a school collect and gone to court to get more time?

theres your answer. He’s not really trying. I think dads who want more time need to accept that children aren’t a convenience and they need to flex if they want to be a parent. Your son doesn’t want to. You could offer to do the school collect and drop off if he wanted to go to court for a 4 day stay every second week. Although this would be quite enabling of you, and he’d have to commit to taking them to tennis etc, as that’s what parents do.

Surely it is the parent not the school who arrange wrap around care?

if he is only 25 minutes away then why isnt he seeing them more than 1 day per fortnight

Sounds like the only person with a problem here is you, and you don’t have any rights to see them as they aren’t your children. The children’s parents are happy with the arrangement. You blame their mum but it’s quite telling that your son doesn’t want you to have any more contact with them either…

ah I see. It’s the curse of not being able to drive and not being able to do anything useful in their school week. So the mum has to do it all but you want more of the other time. Too bad. Tell your son you’d pay for a taxi to go collect then after school if he wants them from Friday School finish? Sounds way cheaper than anything else.

As a mother of young kids, I wouldn't allow a stranger in a taxi to drive my young kids. Not unless an adult was present with them.

Nor would I- I mean the op catch a taxi to collect them.

Agree with that. I have a vulnerable 20 year and I wouldn't even let her in a taxi without a support person, except in the most dire of circumstances.

Some people are saying that the first day of school is a parent privilege, essentially, but I don't see why GPs can't be an addition to that. It's not like the parents wouldn't be there, too! Generally, I feel that the more GP time, the better.

I see a lot of people on MN and IRL gatekeeping Christmas from the GPS too. Someone upthread said how her parents would dominate Christmas with her children. I just don't understand that attitude at all. GPs are family. Our Christmases growing up were multi-generational, and now that I'm older, and my late GPs are so much further back in my memories, I'm so so glad I had the time with them that I did. And they're in all our childhood Christmas photos, which is lovely to look back on as an older person, to have all these photos with my parents and grandparents and I together. After they all died, Christmas wasn't really the same without the older generation. There seems to be a tendency these days for parents to want to be just the nuclear family, and personally I think it's a pity for the kids.

OP, to make things easier on their mum, why don't you ask if you can go round for dinner at her house one evening every other week and pay for takeaway/food delivery for everyone? (Her, the kids, you and your husband.) Or take frozen pizza and salad to make at hers. It would give her a night off from cooking and she wouldn't have to facilitate anything. You could get the bus there and taxi back. You could put it to her that you will babysit that evening after dinner, and she can go out and do something - see friends, go to a class, go for a swim etc. If you seeing the kids involves no cooking and a night off for her, and you see the GCs in the off-week, surely that's a win-win!