Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

Your posts are infuriating!!! Do you think mums don’t have jobs with inconvenient start times? For the love of god woman stop defending a bloody awful man and dad! One day a fortnight? 24 days a YEAR!

Im so bloody sick of these men being defended and by another woman no less. You should be ashamed of raising such an embarrassment of a man. Do better and stop picking at the woman who stepped up and is now a full time parent.

Not even once a week! Every other week!

OP it is not up to their mum to facilitate a relationship with you, yes it would be nice if she did but it’s up to your son. Unfortunately it sounds like he’s not bothered about that given how little he wants to have them himself

I think it sounds like since their split things have changed for you and it's quite difficult to accept.
I think your expectations are too high. I don't see birthdays, Christmases and first days of school as something that automatically involved grandparents even when parents are together. A few hours twice a week sounds infrequent but it's more than my own parents see my children because they live a few hours away.

I think how much you see grandchildren depends on many things like distance, family culture and norms, relationships, practicalities and circumstances.

I think it's a bit unfair that Son is getting flamed for only having them one night at the weekend because Mum says no to Fridays due to tennis. Also think it's unfair saying he should "just get a 2 bed" when these days it isn't as easy as that. That said, he really should get a Court Order for more access during the instead, and he needs to manage his work hours accordingly as many Mothers have to.

Why on earth would the kids want to spend Christmas with a parent they see once a fortnight instead of their mum?

You need to stop blaming the mum and start blaming your son. He is choosing to stay in a small space me he is choosing not to do anything to get more space. He ja choosing not to insist on a whole weekend every other weekend. He is choosing not to earn more money by staying with an employee which does not offer a competitive salary.

I agree, would people rather she don't bother?

But it seems very much he doesn't want to do this and seems happy with the arrangement. The grandparents have said that he and the kids could stay with them at weekends but he doesn't want to do that.

Also the notion of court will cost him money, and for something he doesn't really want. The court would also look at the practicalities of sleeping arrangements and also day to day routine. If he isn't going to get a bigger place or be able to take the children to school on time, then it will still go in favour of the mum having greater time.

You are not being pushed out of your grandchildren's lives.

Your son and his partner have split. That means everyone gets less time with the children. Until your son has a stable and suitable place for his three children to stay at, they will undoubtedly be with their mum most of the time.

It's normal to miss them and wish you could see them more, but right now that's just not going to work.

Indeed. Hell as a child all I wanted was my home Christmas Day. I didn’t want to be travelling to visit people. Even when we were taken on actual Christmas holidays it wasn’t the same as being home.

Plenty of people depend on Grandparents for Childcare - a lot. And yet they are also considered disposable and have no rights or opinions. They love the Child too!

Once a FORTNIGHT...

She probably doesn’t want him having them longer because they don’t even have their own BED ffs. And he can’t even drive, so can’t even come and see them in the week after work.

The more I return to this thread, the more I think it is rage bait and OP is having a laugh and enjoying winding us all up.
It is absolutely unbelievable the excuses she makes for her useless son, and calling DIL controlling. Single mothers do not have the luxury of choosing a job they like, they have to choose one that fits around the lives of them and their children. Whether the school has wraparound care or not, mothers all over the world make it work, whether by hiring childminders or utilising flexible working arrangements.
I see absolutely no reason why OP's son cannot make use of flexible working arrangements, especially working for a council.
DIL is 'controlling' because she is working full time and managing three children on her own. She cannot afford to drop the rope at any point, she has to run a tight ship. She does not have the time or flexibility to accommodate demanding grandparents.
OP you need to stop being so misogynistic, and you need to kick your son up the a*se. You raised this useless excuse for a 'man' and you need to reflect on the values you raised him with.

He can drive, it's the grandparents who can't. The excuse for not seeing them after school is he doesn't finish work til 4.30. As others have suggested he could ask and negotiate an early finish one day a week to pick the kids up but it doesn't sound like he is keen on this.

@Moonnstarsah I misunderstood, well that’s even worse then! Seems like he’s very content being a part-time father (barely even that tbh).

If you want to see the kids more long-term then I think that the best thing which you can do is challenge this attitude with your son.

Both of your gc’s parents work and their work is equally important. The school has no wraparound.

Your son has many options to step up to the plate and still be a parent including booking a childminder, asking family to support, flexing his hours, getting to know other parents and swapping care, taking flexitime, taking holiday, speaking to school about the need for childcare, changing his hours or job.

But whilst he is just saying that he can’t do school runs, and leaving it all to his ex, you’re unlikely to ever get a large amount of time with your grandkids because it will need to mainly come out of his very part time parenting.

You should be seeing you DGC during your DS contact time. He has made the choice not to do Christmas or birthdays. He should be seeing them more often but you need to be led by him, not her.

That's where you could help out by having them after school until he finishes work.

The grandparents don't drive and it is 2 bus rides away (unless this was tennis, and it's 1 bus ride). Though in one post it very much sounded like they were happy to have the grandchildren on a school night and were keen to do this and give them dinner - if mum dropped them off and picked them up from their house!!

Err.. Because he’s their dad and they love him..? This is a bizarre take tbf. When I was a child we went long periods without seeing my dad because as well as being separated from my mum, he had a job that required being away for a month or more at a time. That just meant we were even more keen to see him for Christmas, Easter etc when he was home.

OP, reading all your posts, several things jump out that I would urge you to deeply reflect upon:

1. Your son is making very little effort towards his children. Genuinely. Plenty of parents work full-time, but they do not completely give up on their children to do so. Men still seem very happy to throw women under the bus to make their lives easy - was this a cause for the break-up?
2. The mother is doing all the heavy lifting here, but your solutions all revolve around making her life harder, i.e. taking all the after-school time to yourselves, but using her as wraparound childcare to do the school run. Come on!
3. Mum has a passion for tennis, presumably is paying for the sessions too, and you think it is fair to pressurise her to give you the joy of taking her children and excluding her.
4. I see nothing about your concern for the welfare of the children, but a lot about your desire to snatch the premium time with them out of an already fraught timetable. Of course extended family shouldn't be turning up on mass to stress out a small child about to start school! You are being invited to birthdays, and Christmas seems to be shared equally so you get a decent stretch of time with the grandchildren. The 25th is just a day, after all.
5. Don't turn this into a competition. These are not your children, and you risk making their lives far more difficult and unpleasant by encouraging animosity between their parents. Put the children first, and support their main carer as well as your son (who sounds like he needs a kick up the backside).

Respectfully, you need to give your heads a wobble. There isn’t 3 way child arrangements.
You will have to adjust to their new normal and it sounds like he needs to step up. Split households will always have less time with the children and it gets even more problematic when other family members want a significant slice of that time too.

Oh you didn’t just say that… ugh.

Every other Sunday, inset days and every boxing day, plus being invited to birthday parties / birthday dinner sounds like a perfectly normal amount of time to see your grandchildren to me. I certainly didn't see mine more than fortnightly and we had a great relationship. I don't see what your problem is really.

How much time your son spends with them is a separate issue, but from a grandparent point of view that sounds fine to me, and it sounds like both parents are happy with the arrangements. Nice of you to offer more childcare, but it's not controlling to to take it, and if you keep fighting her and makeing out she's controlling you may find the birthday party invites stop and she finds other childcare for inset days...

And first days at school aren't a spectator sport.