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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

402 replies

StrugglingSM28 · 19/08/2025 16:38

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

OP posts:
Littleredgoat · 19/08/2025 17:47

I had one of these. It got to the stage that every time something good happened like a pay rise, bonus or promotion I'd keep the news to myself because his immediate thoughts would be how could he spend it. I eventually realised that when you start to dread good news it's time to move on....

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/08/2025 17:49

Honestly, he's on a bloody good deal already!

He pays his mortgage.
You share the cost of other bills.
You cover the cost of your own mortgage/house.

I think he saw his mortgage deal coming to an end then asked you to move in. Cocklodger!!

Scarylett · 19/08/2025 17:52

I would move back into your property until you are both in a position to buy together. You can still date/sleep over, but don't be made a fool of.

Enigma53 · 19/08/2025 17:53

How long have you been together? 18m
or 3 years?

I say, move out pronto and ditch this man.

MrsAmaretto · 19/08/2025 17:56

RUN (and take your half of the savings)!!!

GabriellaMontez · 19/08/2025 17:58

Agree. Withdraw your half of the savings now.

Have you seen evidence of the £800 mortgage increase? Didn't rates just go down...?

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 19/08/2025 17:58

After 18 months he’s got a live in maid who pays most of the expenses and he’s asking you to pay more?

You need to examine why you have such low standards.

Personally I would be considering taking my half of the savings (which I hope you have access to!) and then running as far and fast as possible.

OtterlyMad · 19/08/2025 18:00

Sounds like he wants a maid that ALSO pays his mortgage! The cheek.

MamaElephantMama · 19/08/2025 18:01

Move back into your own home.

Flossflower · 19/08/2025 18:01

I voted YABU because you are doing nearly all the housework. WHY. He is taking advantage of you. You are paying more than enough. I don’t think your relationship has a future.

Figcherry · 19/08/2025 18:02

OtterlyMad · 19/08/2025 18:00

Sounds like he wants a maid that ALSO pays his mortgage! The cheek.

He wants a maid who also has sex with him and pays his bills.

I’d be looking to move out, he’s a user.

wominzy · 19/08/2025 18:04

It must be some crib if the mortgage has gone up by how much did he say - £800pm? Really... (he could have remortgaged without telling you). Is this a property he bought post divorce for himself? Hmm.

Sit down with pen, paper and calculator and work it out between you on a fair and ongoing basis. No need for dramatics but lay it out. He probably thinks that because you have let out your own house that you no longer have to fund the full mortgage so should pay some of his instead!

I'd be wary of your role with his children also. How is that working out, does he take them out on his own for Dad and kid time, or are you expected to tag along to "help". Lots of questions for you to ponder.

If anything seems unfair or unbalanced to you, and he tries to bluster his way out of it, take note and act accordingly. Now is the time, not when you've bought together.

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 19/08/2025 18:05

Why are you putting up with this? Surely your not that desperate??

This has so many red flags. Leave while you can. Ffs women really need to raise the bar!

Aavalon57 · 19/08/2025 18:06

I can't see what's in this relationship for you, long-term. Eighteen months is no time at all to be making these financial commitments. I think you should not sell your house. His children will always come first and you could find yourself out of home and money in the future. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom but 18 months in, and it's not really looking balanced and fair.

GreyPearlSatin · 19/08/2025 18:07

Wow, you're being exploited.

How long is the rental contract on your own property? I would move back into it as soon as possible and ditch this leech. He will bleed you dry financially.

Absolutely do not buy a house with him. Take your share of the saving out of that joined account as soon as possible and make plans to leave. Don't give him another cent.

Petrolitis · 19/08/2025 18:08

Oh my goodness!

You shouldn't be paying any more than half of the bills at the maximum! You shouldn't be paying towards the mortgage at all. That's his asset not yours.

You're not renting s room like a lodger, you're a partner. I hope he realises that if you can prove you've been subsiding the mortgage that you may well now have an interest in the property.

And stop doing all the housework!

Kreepture · 19/08/2025 18:09

why are you paying 95% of the bills?

The idea is that all the costs of the house, bills (bar the mortgage), weekly food shop..etc should be added up and divided 50/50 exactly.

You should both be covering the costs of your own personal expenses.. mortgage, child maintenance, car tax/insurance/hp payments/ mobile phone contracts/bills, and personal credit card bills.

IF his personal bills are more expensive, that's a him problem.

Wishitsnows · 19/08/2025 18:10

Why would you do this! He has got a housekeeper that is paying to be there. Does he also get you to look after his children? His mortgage is paying off an asset which you have no interest in. If his mortgage has gone up that’s on him to sort a better rate. Why would you put up with this? There are millions of men out there don’t stick with one that is so blatantly using you.

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 19/08/2025 18:11

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

Why, just out of curiosity?

ZenNudist · 19/08/2025 18:11

Get your money out of that joint account. Absolute madness and don't be surprised when he takes all of it. Especially if he thinks he's hard done to by you.

So you are paying market rent including bills but making a loss on renting out your own property. Why are you doing this?

Chairings · 19/08/2025 18:12

You are a mug with zero self respect.

Typical man with children found a solvent woman to fund him and HIS kids and be his skivvy.
Do you mind his children too?

Your self-esteem and relationship bar is on the floor if you think you have a good man there🙄.

No doubt you'll have a child with him too.
Unbelievable.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk for goodness sake.

Move back to your own property.

Remove your money from that account without discussion.

Dear lord but how naive can you be?
I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

They really do seek out desperate women to exploit.🙄

Pluvia · 19/08/2025 18:14

Give your tenants notice and plan to move back into your own home as soon as they're out. The fact that his mortgage has just gone up is his problem, not yours. Your DP's children are his responsibility and his expense and the fact that he seems to think that from now on you have to pay for them is a real red flag. You could, in a year or two's time, break up with him and not be able to get back a penny of all the money you've paid towards the house and his expenses.

Pity that you didn't have a conversation about money before moving in. He seems to see you as a cash cow and that's never a good way to start a life together.

HumphreyCushionintheHouse · 19/08/2025 18:14

I agree with most of the posters advising caution here. Also, I wanted to add, if he stops adding money into the joint account, so should you. That way you’re both contributing the same and you can just split the savings if things break down.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 19/08/2025 18:15

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/08/2025 17:49

Honestly, he's on a bloody good deal already!

He pays his mortgage.
You share the cost of other bills.
You cover the cost of your own mortgage/house.

I think he saw his mortgage deal coming to an end then asked you to move in. Cocklodger!!

Edited

Do you pay him rent on top of covering the bills?
I assume the costs of running your own property is covered somewhat by the rent.

Bradley28 · 19/08/2025 18:17

Based on this, I wouldn’t be putting my savings into a joint account with him. I’d be pulling my half out of that account asap & probably moving back into my own home.