Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

[StrugglingSM28]

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

How much do you pay

It sounds like you are contributing a lot. The only thing I wonder about is the mortgages.

He has to pay his himself, and interest rates do go up.

You have a roof over your head but someone else paying your mortgage, whilst it gains in worth.

So, it depends a bit

• how much extra you pay in bills than you would on your own
• you say you are renting your flat at a loss, so you have to pay a bit if your own mortgage? How much?

If you are truly in it for the long haul, normally I think it’s fairer if both partners have the same amount left for personal use at the end of the month. But I suspect if one person is paying for children from a previous relationship then this is different.

Your pay rise is none of his business, his increased mortgage is not your problem. Of the other costs have increased I’d look at those but paying on a proportionate basis - not you paying 95%. I’d also keep savings separate, you’re not married so if the savings go into a joint pit you have no security, he could empty that at any point for any reason. Keep your savings account separate and then pay proportionally for any holidays etc.

I’d also be negotiating around household chores etc, or more accurately I’d be telling him to step up. The way it is now you’re expected to cover his living costs, and do his chores - what do you gain from his presence in your life?

I would like to ask why you are doing ninety five percent of the housework when you are supposed to be an equal partnership?

Shouldn't it be the opposite? You shouldn't be expected to pay towards his kids at this stage, so he should be paying more to account for them

Can this be true - you work, but are doing 95% of the housework in a house with three other people?

For the second time in two days I feel compelled to write the words he saw you coming.

Why are you doing this, @StrugglingSM28?

This stage of living together before buying together should be a trial run and people tend to be on best behaviour.

His behaviour is showing he expects you to be paying most of the bills and doing most of the housework. I’d have been asking for the chat ‘Hey bf we need to chat as this set up isn’t going to work for me and is making me question the entire relationship. I see myself with someone who shares the fun and the chores. We should both be doing 50:50 housework, bills and food expenses. I should not be paying mortgage as I have no share in house and I should not be paying nearly all your bills, doing nearly all your housework and being a free nanny’

If he wants a pay rise he goes and gets a new job! He doesn’t take your pay rise!

I really don’t see what the benefit of living with him is for you. I do see the benefit to him…and yet he wants more!

Can you not see how buying a house would go with him? Live in free nanny and house keeper who actually pays to work there!

Aside from the financial side of things, I'm baffled as to why you are doing 95% of the housework. Why on earth are agreeing to this? I wouldn't be living with him full stop on that basis.

Time to move on @StrugglingSM28

He is jealous you got a pay rise. He clearly wants you to fund him more so that he can pay his mortgage.

Why not suggest that you split bills 50/50? Plus add a accommodation contribution.

He is getting a bloody good deal out of you. Bet he hasn’t factored in that you are renting your place out at a loss

The good news is you've got your own home to go back to. I'd tell him you are moving back because the rent doesn't cover the costs. Take your half of the savings. He can then cover the entirety of his costs.

He sounds like a piss taker. Why and how has his mortgage gone up by £800 a month! I'm not sure I'd beleive this

Some guy with the baggage of children, who doesn't lift a finger in his own home and sees you as an ATM.
What. A. Catch.

He should be paying his mortgage and more than half the bills as he has his kids use to cover as well. So even if you pay half the bills you are covering his kids. You certainly should not be paying 95% of the bills

I don't understand this. Could you explain why you are paying 96% of household bills, and not 50%? Why are you doing 95% of the household chores?

I knew this situation rang a bell. Op you posted a week or so ago that bf didn’t like being a parent and was putting pressure and guilt on you to start parenting for him. You got loads of great advice. But people didn’t know this awful financial situation too!

Come on, be sensible, he’s absolutely got you brain washed into thinking you need to be paying all his bills, doing all his household chores, and parenting his children or what? Is it the old ‘you just don’t love him’ card? Now he wants more of your money to cover what - all his child maintenance or the mortgage? Can you not see this is not just unfair it’s financially abusive!

Seriously op please you just need to get out as he’s clearly financially abusive and manipulative! Buying a house with him or having a baby would be 100 times worse!

Only - remove your half of the joint savings before telling him you’re moving out.

Can’t believe you’re paying to be his housekeeper!

(Except that the same story crops up time after time on MN …)

Do you think the OP is just cleaning one room? She is not a lodger, she is house sharing , paying rent to do so, and making everyone’s life more comfortable by a non monetary contribution of labour.

LTB

You should be paying less, not more. He is bringing two dependents to the table. He has to support them, solely. They are his responsibility, not yours.

Ah it’s this poster - leave!!! He doesn’t want to support or raise them, why the hell should you? Run for the hills.

Don't save in a joint account unless its one where needs both signatures to withdraw

You're basically paying all the bills and absorbing the loss on your own property. You are definitely contributing more than enough. He can be grumpy about it, but it's tough, if all he has to worry about is his mortgage payments and paying for his children then he should be chuffed.

Why would you pay anymore, he benefits from the mortgage being paid off as the house is his asset it is not yours. He chose to have children, if he wouldn't need you to increase your contribution if he didn't have kids, why should you be expected to increase your payments to him because he has got them?
If you'd moved into his house and brought children with you, then it would be fair to increase your payments a little as they will cost more.
Maybe you should ask him to account for the loss you're making on renting out your property while you're discussing the finances, I imagine he'll say that doesn't count

Yeah you do need to reassess a few things. You need to reassess how much you’re both contributing to household bills. Why on earth are you contributing 95%??? And you also need to reassess the housework. Again, why are you doing almost all of it???

He’s treating you like an absolute mug and you’re allowing it.

Omg leave this man

You know best what your situation is overall but I would consider the following:
by paying 95% of all bills you are essentially subsidising his mortgage.
he should pay his mortgage as he is the only one benefiting from the house and you are not a tenant lodger
you should split the bills not you pay all of it, otherwise you are better off in your own home not having to do so much work with the housekeep etc
be very careful with the joint account, he can cause you a load of problems especially if he thinks that he should be entitled to more
You don't know for sure what the future brings therefore placing your savings in a joint account is a big risk and you stand to lose it all if he moves the goal posts.
You can keep your savings into your own account and if things go well and you get to the point of buying a house together then both of you can bring the savings together.
Please protect yourself it us much better than to have regrets later.

What is he for?