Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

[StrugglingSM28]

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

Firstly, you should save individually towards your next property and then combine it when you do. It keeps things cleaner.
He has the benefit of any house price appreciation whilst you’re living there which presumably will give him a larger budget. Any appreciation on your house has a loss to offset against it from the rental.
If he wants to add you to the deeds of the property & mortgage, you can chip in more because you’d be getting some ownership out of it. Seen as he doesn’t, the cost rise is his own business to manage.
It’s worth asking what he proposes, if nothing else to give yourself a laugh.

He's recently come off a 5 year fixed deal?

I came off a 3 year 1.99% deal in Jan 2023 and my interest rate jumped to 4.79% (on a fixed rate deal - base rate was 6.75% at the time)

Depending on the size of his mortgage and how much he has left to pay, £800 increase isn't unbelievable.

800 increase a month on mortgage, that's got to have an affect on what he can afford to save. But why are you renting your house out at a loss? Not sure what to say but you say your paying what anyone would to rent a room including bills. But your not renting a room are you? Your living with him and sharing the whole house. If your not happy with the situation I'd withdraw your half of the savings and move out, if you can get your tenants out great, not easy these days, otherwise, move out and rent somewhere on your own. Ok you do 90% of the housework, that's obviously what he thinks a wife/partner should do. If you don't agree after 18 months it's not going to change, I'd say move out if your not happy with the situation

The complication with the kids will be if they decide to have a child together. How do they split bills then?

I would move every penny you have put into the savings account back into a personal account and move out.

Oh dear OP!

Mortgage should be 100% his outgoing.
His child costs should be 100% his outgoing.

Bills and food costs should be split 50/50, although some might say he should pay a higher proportion because his children are contributing to that cost.

Housework chores should be split 50/50.

Do you feel indebted to him because you are living in his house and so that’s why you are paying for so much and doing so much?

Ultimately you have no legal right to be there and he could throw you out at any given time, whilst all the time you are paying all his bills, paying for his food and doing all his housework.

That doesn’t sound like a good set-up to me.

OP. You should factor in the loss you make every month on your rental and add it to the amount of bills you pay to live in his house. Because it is a bill you wouldn't have to pay if you were not there.
Includes factoring in the costs of all the landlord's obligations you may have to pay, I'm no expert but it would include things like gas/electricity certification, repairs etc.. that are outside the normal rent. That is another "loss" on your balance sheet. (BTW.. not asking for financial disclosures on the thread... just asking if they've been included in your costs)

That is the amount you pay on top, every month so that you can live in his house, subsidising his bills and doing 95 % of the housework. And you are adding to a savings account with him, which he's not going to do any more. Keep your savings separate.

If your new contribution he's talking about is based on a "market rent" your situation does not compare. You don't have any tenant's rights that a market rent property would give you, ie zero security.

Factor in Council tax. Are you paying towards the council tax for his place? Do your tenants pay council tax on your rental (I'm no expert on this) or does it fall to you?

Your own mortgage has more than doubled and it sounds like you are on a fixed rate atm so there's not much you can do about it without the expense of remortgaging.
So he's not the only one having to find cash to pay a higher mortgage. You also are. Why have you got to make up the difference for him? If you had a tenancy agreement, would he be able to up your rent by about half his mortgage increase (£400) just like that (again no expert but see Shelter's website)

You really are subsidizing him on so many levels, but without any rights or guarantees.

Yes, this.

This

It is a trust, respect and appreciation thing. If you want a room mate who agrees to split 50/50 overhead, fine. But the children's expenses, care, cleanup are all on the parent. The cooking, laundry, yard, groceries, housekeeping would be definitively divided and shared. No favors unless returned. No sex either.

The emotional and physical aspect of house sharing means the man, head of the house, accepts the responsibility of providing the home and upkeep. The same in a marriage.

With the selfish, self centered, misery attitudes I'm reading about here, it's a wonder any woman would hook up with such a man.

Where is the cherishing, the understanding, the respect, generosity, the protection, kindness, consideration, the thankfulness etc that should be there between a normal male/female relationship.

Yes, she works outside the home, but working stresses a woman way more than a man. She is not capable of shouldering burdens or physically keeping up with a man. She gets paid less than a man but is expected to do the same work. Often times, she is smarter, better organized, more diplomatic and multitasks in ways men cannot bc they are compartmentalized thinkers. They are just wired differently.

Men resent women for working and earning, but when they do, men want to control their income.

These financial issues arise bc those men are control freaks. Control, control, control in every aspect of their relationship. Take out the control and everything works out.

You are paying a very generous amount already - in my opinion, far too much.

If you moved out, he would have to pay all the bills himself. Do you really want to buy a house with a man who, despite your very generous contribution, makes "snide" remarks (presumably because you have just received a good pay rise - which is none of his business).

If it were me, I would be seriously re-thinking this arrangement. I think you would be far better off moving back to your own home and he can finance his own bills and do all the housework and shopping himself.

Whatever you decide, as JoyfulLife said, do not put your money into a joint account. If it all goes pear-shaped, it will be very problematic for you.

How can you like such an ungrateful, unkind man?

Did anyone mention homeowners insurance? That's a homeowners responsibility for owned real estate. Renters pay rental insurance on possessions' replacement value (used). Usually, some or all utilities are included in room rental. Laundry service, lawn service, maid service and cook or chef services, errand and courier services are paid services. That's why housewives get an allowance. And housewives in my neck of the woods keep their earnings to buy their own clothing, pay for hair styling visits, nail salon, waxing, threading, makeup, health and personal needs (exercise, massage, sauna, classss), medication and sundries, wine to distress and calm from overbearing controlling ppl...

It takes money for a woman to survive well. Not frivolously, just moderately. If a man thinks we can operate or be happy on nothing but crumbs he allows, he is sadly mistaken.

Woman power. You can choose what male deficiencies you will put up with. We can always find another ride. No need to take the rusty beater that gasses us with bad exhaust. We all have flaws but some things are too oppressive and mean.

Wow, that was a wild read! I’ve cricked my neck with all the Wimbledon-style head turning it involved, tracking your thesis hither and yon, agreeing with this, then vehemently objecting to that. (I’m not sure I have followed correctly, all the same.)
I certainly do think OP should scarper sharpish from this setup, which serves only the guy and which is quite incredibly exploitative of her. I can’t understand how it remained in place even a week, it’s so obviously bogus.
I hope she’ll regain access to her rented property asap and leave this man and his financial requirements behind her. (I can’t help feeling there must/ought to be some class of financial crime involved, necessitating police hammering on his door in the small hours, so great is my outrage at this guy’s blatant leeching off OP.)

That makes me wonder if your Bills at BF include a contribution to homeowners and more importantly Building Insurance.
The costs for your rental will depend on whether you are a freeholder (usually house) or a leaseholder ( usually flats)

But As Landlord to your rental property aren't you responsible for paying Building's Insurance on that? I hope you factor that into your list of costs of renting your property.. because these less obvious costs mean you could be making a much bigger loss on the rental than just reimbursing your own mortgage.

There's quite a long list here of things that a landlord is responsible for.. which are hidden costs but may (or may not) crop up during the term of your rental... If its a flat, service charges can include building repairs. etc.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/repairs/landlord_and_tenant_responsibilities_for_repairs?

You are letting your contempt for women show. I was a displaced homemaker when we met. I weighed 105 pounds, no work experience or career experience. My ex supported me as he should have bc I gave him, and raised, 2 children, helped him through college, kept his home, garden, and did nothing wrong. He was a skirt chaser and got involved with another woman. But he saw that he should give me half of an investment for my financial security. And our laws here would make sure I received 50% of what I helped him achieve over 21 years of marriage, so I did not seek gold or need a man to support me.
My current husband is a real man who takes care of what he cherishes. I take care of him in return. Virtues are not bought or rented. Learning he was an honorable, trustworthy man, I handed him ALL my assets and let him have control bc he was open, honest and respectable. I didnt want the headache of managing it.
I trust him to take care of everything and I am free to do art, play music, exercise, cook, read... he enjoys business and numbers. He is well loved and when he is not working, we are together, dancing, gardening, entertaining our dogs, traveling...

But he has never tried to control me, criticize or belittle me. Neither husband. I have value as a homemaker and nurturer. Too bad you don't understand that. This is why women suffer, bc of resentful contemptuous men who count their money and consider a woman a drain on their resources. (My dad was like that. I witnessed mom's miserable, stressed life. When she died (stress, misery, heart disease), her entire life of personal effects fit into 2 cardboard boxes. Guys like you should find a cave to live in to save money on razor blades, deodorant and laundry expenses. You could bury your coins and guzzle beer to assuage your libido... then women will be safe from meeting you.

My current husband and I have been married since 2004. We lived together 1.5 years before commiting bc that gave us enough time to know each other and learn if we had any reservations or issues that could not be overcome. We each had children and their comfort factored in our decision.

If a man or woman doesnt want to marry after a couple years, something is wrong. We refuse to 'see' the signs and cling to hope that our significant other cares as much as we do...but actions speak louder than words.

I, for one, like commitment and security. Not talking' bout financial security, but devotion, single minded focus, monogamy, trust, care, consideration...

I've only been with 2 men and both I married. Hookups or one nighters are for the promiscuous. Enjoy but stock up on penicillin and tiny raincoats.

If you can't be devoted and don't feel more than 100% involved in a relationship, leave it. Ppl hang on for the weakest reasons or 'for the children.' The kids would rather be in a stress free environment and have their mother's content happy attention.

What a woman wants in a relationship: comfort, affection, appreciation, thoughtful consideration, genuine caring, emotional understanding and support (which any woman can freely give) hair on his head (not a deal breaker), clean teeth, flat stomache (ok, just not an 8 month pregnancy showing).

A man wants a maid, masterchef, personal assistant, nanny, gardener, taxi/bus driver, laundress, barber (to shave his back), seamstress or wardrobe expert, cheerleader/ego booster, shoe shiner, gorgeous but prostitute in private/classy princess in public...all free, of course, bc he is miserly and selfish.

What she doesnt want to deal with in a relationship: neglect, rudeness or harshness toward any children, elders (or anyone), criticism, flirting at any time, disdain, contemp, rage, ego crises, eyeballing other women while he's next to her, suffering his interfering manipulative cruel mommy, dealing with any ex-wife or his messed-up resentful disrespectful teen, laundry dropped on the floor, wet towels on her side of the bed, sloppy food residue (anywhere), deserting her at social events without consideration, smoking stench, excess drinking habits, gambling or drugs, rowdy mouthy rude mooching friends, stray or odd undergarments in his pockets, lipstick stains on his clothing, receipts for jewelry or clothing she did not receive, ticket stubs to venues she did not attend, his angry demand for privacy, controlling and micro managing, going out with friends when she is overwhelmed with a task or dealing with an emergency, her gas tank always left on empty after borrowing, careless treatment of breakage of her personal treasures or foiling her hard work.

What he doesnt like in a woman: assertiveness, aggressiveness, gritchyness, anything repetitive (or he tunes her out), correcting his behavior (as if he is a child), being told 'no,' when she wins at games or achieves something he didn't or can't (wont play that game anymore), her looking sexy in public (accusations, degradation begins here), doesnt want her snooping or questioning his whereabouts, activities, phone calls, expenditures, habits, relationships (invasion of his privacy) yet she must account for all of those and more bc he shelters, protects and provides for her. Every thing on his property are his possessions that HE acquired or earned himself (he believes), doesnt like unnecessary expenses (i.e. hair/nail salons, perfume, home decor that he didnt approve and more than 4 pairs of shoes is unnecessary), flights or silly female interests, noisy cackling women, women who smile or talk too much, women with family or children who may ask questions or favors, women who doubt his credibility, abilities and skills, importance, women who contradict or have a different opinion. Especially women who expect things from him or needy women who cry easily or try to guilt him. Women who evoke his jealousy. Women who tease and don't follow through. Women who flirt with other men or platonically meet with 'male friends' or have long phone conversations with them or counsel them as a 'friend.'

There's a start. I pay attention and remember things that divide relationships and cause riffs in relationships. Not just mine.

Finances are usually not the main concern. It's what women land on when they dont want to admit other things.

Same with men. A woman becomes a finan gal burden when the love and affection disintegrate. Take the finances out of your scenario and face the true cause(s) of dissent.

My husband would feel weak and less of a man if he could not support the one who takes care of the household and waits for him to come home so she can focus on recharging him. Nurturing is not just for kids. I never worked outside the home bc my vocation was always to be the best wife and mother. Its sad that men have become so hardened that they can't appreciate a woman's trust value. No, he sends her to work outside the home for less money, in most cases, so she can hand over her paycheck. Or, so he can manage her income bc he believes she is frivolous and incompetent...or he has better uses for it.

There are tons of messed up ppl and teens bc men can't figure out how to better support their family. They blame their partner or spouse, thinking of them dead weight, siphoning money out of their pocket. This might tell each of them that his his failure (to support his household) will fall on the most convenient person other than himself. Men just refuse to accept responsibility. Maybe some parents always were overindulgent and fixed their son's problems growing up or didnt hold them accountable for their actions. Whatever.

Renting a room in someone's home doesnt mean a renters should pay 50/50 on everything and do all the chores. The renters should only be responsible for their room, their messes, their laundry, their own meals. Whether the renters lives there or not, the homeowners insurance, taxes and bills should be paid by the owner.

If the relationship is more than renter/landlord, a woman should determine whether the cost of her relationship is fair or includes appreciation for her talents, efforts and gifts.

Whether one or the other person makes more money, it makes no difference. They each agreed to their terms of employment and wages and it isnt up to anyone else how they spend or invest their money.

When you agree to rent and expenses, it should be written into a contract and signed by a notary. Rental agreements can be found online for free. It should contain items to protect each party and help to retain friendships.

This!!!!

My husband would feel weak and less of a man if he could not support the one who takes care of the household and waits for him to come home so she can focus on recharging him. Nurturing is not just for kids. I never worked outside the home bc my vocation was always to be the best wife and mother. Its sad that men have become so hardened that they can't appreciate a woman's trust value

Please tell me this is a joke post?

The wimpy men who expect a woman to financially 'pull her own weight' and disrespect her role as homemaker are total misogynistic mama's boys. Selfish to the bone and still locked in their egocentric 12 year-old minds. Grow up you pantywaists and stop denegrating and subjugating women. Your logic is warped to your own benefit.

I've been insulted and accused of having 'old fashioned' views because I wont be treated like a doormat and abused or taken advantage of, as many women endure, bc they are financially stuck. If a woman is okay with being forced to work outside the home...fine. However, if a woman decides she has had enough stress, abuse, or just wants to have her own identity, confidence and freedom of choices... seek counsel, plan ahead, ask for the support of friends and family while achieving your goals, whatever they are.

I would not continue in this relationship.

@LadyjaneOnSteroids so you are saying your two husbands treat/treated you like a prostitute and you were okay with this because you pay attention to what they want?

Did you marry men who frequent prostitution services? That is a big red flag for me!

However reading your last post it comes across as if you have never worked other than to meet your multiple husbands desires and needs. What does this sound like?

Bc a man promises to love, honor and cherish a woman in their vows, it means...he takes care of all her needs.

A man leaves his mother and a woman leaves her home.

She goes to the man's home and it becomes hers also bc she works to take care of it and all those who reside in it.

The man brings home the bacon and she fries it up in a pan.

If a woman chooses to work, and if her children has family to help care for those children, it is her right to choose. But handing over her paycheck or paying rent to a lover who benefits from her labors and intimacy, is unfair. Bc HE is not paying half of HER mortgage and half of her bills so SHE can live with HIM for convenience.

50/50 means he considers her financial obligations not just his own.

If the woman never worked a day in her life and did not qualify for a job, would he still ask her to move in with him? And why not marry? If no commitment is intended, why waste your time shacking up?

A woman isn't prostituting herself by being a homemaker. You stepped in a big pile of doodie mister. Homemaker are honorable, loyal women who tend their husband and home for love not profit.

You sound like a bitter man who cannot even pay a woman to live with him. Or maybe your wife left you bc you are so cheap and mean? Your post would have been highly insulting to me but instead it was laughable. So desperate and obssessive to prove your point. Neither of my husbands wanted me to work though I went to college and had nice career choices. However, I raised to extremely intelligent children the first marriage and my 2nd husband wanted me available to travel, go boating, golfing, attend sports venues, visit our kids and grandkids. They both were successful bc they took risks and built businesses for themselves. I know what its like to struggle on low wages. Invest in yourself and eat a lot of beans. Quit using women so you can pinch pennies.

P.s. prostitutes get paid for specific services rendered. No emotions or nurturing, care required. It's purely a business transaction but when the man leaves, the prostitute is free of his rudeness, selfishness, criticism, abuse...may jjGod save them.

I know many divorced women, men, children. Have heard both sides of their stories and witnessed some of the physical abuse...some were really bad.

BTW, both my husbands are extremely good looking and always fit. They didnt and don't need to pay for services and have more intelligence, self-respect and morals to engage in random promiscuouscuity. That exposes on to criminals, drugs, diseases, blackmail, notoriety and public humiliation, not to mention it would disrespect himself, disappoint and hurt a lot of family and friends.

Even shacking up would cause damage to both of the couple's reputation. It would mean the woman was agreeable to being used without a commitment. Rarely does shacking up end with a commitment.

But shacking up gives ppl time to get to know one another and grow trust and respect. Then, why not date and do occasional sleepovers instead of commiting to shacking up? Breaking up or ending a relationship is simpler if you do not move in, share expenses or commit to shacking up.