Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

[StrugglingSM28]

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

Don’t stay, this won’t end well. Cut your losses now. You’re a people pleaser and he’s using you. You know that already so go with your gut. 💐

Snide comments? Sounds unpleasant. He sounds jealous of your pay rise and wants some of it.

If he has the children every weekend that’s 8 points (days per month) for the kids. Then 30 for him and 30 for you. He should be paying 38/68 - that’s 55% - of the total bills.

That would mean you were paying your part of the bills (45%) and he was paying his and his children’s. He should then pay his mortgage as it’s his property just as he’s not paying your mortgage on your rented flat.

Housework etc should also be 50/50. He’s taking you for a ride.

A bankacunt?

This, with bells on.

😂😂😂

Feel sorry for lots of women like this .
how can you contemplate this please . He must have shown you he is just with you for convenience since
you have been with him 18 months . The sooner your get out the better for you my friend

I think you should mobe back tonyour own place. You can still date that man but living-apart. Then see how it goes.

I think its him that's being totally unreasonable. He's very lucky that you are so financially savvy. If he carries on with the snide remarks tell him you're going to move back into your own house and see how he goes on without your contribution.

Why would his mortgage have increased by £800? Doesn't make sense.

Why are you doing 95% of the housework?

OP you sound capable and smart. It’s sad to watch another smart, young and capable woman be taken advantage of and drowning in housework (that is not all hers), childcare (for kids that are not hers) and turmoil all because of a MAN.

What does your family (mum, dad, siblings?) think of the set up and him? What is the situation there?

I can predict how this will go. You will stay with him. Because you drowned 2 years into this, because of what his family will think, because perhaps despite using you, the set up helps you feel accepted and included. Because you will convince yourself it is your job as a woman to clean after everyone and good women make sacrifices for stepkids and partner. That’s just the way life is, right? You sell your house, buy with him and will continue cleaning after everyone and will pay more than him for mortgage and bills. Because he has kids and maintenance payments and he thinks it’s not fair otherwise. Whatever is keeping you there now will be strong and keep you in it 5 years down the line as well. All the core beliefs about what your role is and what sacrifices you should be making to be ‘worthy’. I think you continue to struggle with him as well.

He sounds unpleasant, i don’t understand how you can ‘love this man more than anything in this world’. What are your needs that you see him as fulfilling? Belonging? Family? He is lazy and cares about what you can do for HIM. Not sure he cares that much about you per se. Snidey remarks when you got payrise- he should be cheering and celebrating your success. Manipulating you into sharing the load of childcare for his children, manipulating you into feeling sorry for him and stepping up payments as his mortgage has gone up by £800. Unless he lives in a mansion that is very very unlikely. He is very likely lying to you too, that goes with manipulation. Don’t you see that?

I know it’s hard but i urge you to step back from this and take a good look at the situation from a bit of distance. Talk to a trusted friend and see what their take on the situation is. And listen to them.

I know we are a bunch of faceless strangers on this thread and you can always think MN is man bashing, full of bitter people enjoying drama and liking to throw LTB around for fun. But most likely, there are a lot of people with a lot of collective experience here. We are not invested in whatever the outcome will be.

And before you talk to him, please take your savings from the joint account. Was setting that up his idea? Same as you moving in 6 months in? If so, he was after someone to help him shoulder financial, childcare and housework burden right from the start. You happened to cross his path. You stayed, looked around, you are struggling. You are young, think thins through, think 10 years ahead and make a decision. The right one.

Wake up woman!!!

You’re not married and your years of co-habitation will amount to nothing.

In 20 years time he’ll have the mortgage paid off and can sell the house and walk away keeping 100% of the proceeds and you will walk away with £0.

If you stay with him I can guarantee that eventually you will wake up one day and regret that decision and realise you’ve wasted your precious life. You are worth so much more.

I think the responses on here in their droves will hopefully help you come to your own conclusions, sometimes you need advice of people outside of your situation to see how it really is, good luck with it all, fortunately you have your own place to go back to when necessary

I'd agree to sit down and re-look at the household expenses. I think it's absolutely fair that you pay half of the bills, and an agreed amount towards "rent". Make it clear you are also still paying for your own property which is making a loss, and that if you find the financial pressures (not to mention the physical housework etc) at home too much then you will have to move back to your own property until you both decide to buy together, as you'll be able to save more that way. If he can't afford his house and to pay for his children without struggling (on his larger salary) then he needs to either reduce his outgoings or increase his income.

I think if you’re paying equal amounts, so if the bills are amounting to £800 so everything is 50/50. I think it’s fair to revisit the finances if the mortgage is going up. I’m a mum myself and I know how hard it is when it comes to finances and he probably has to pay his ex a certain amount of money as well for child maintenance so he’s probably feeling a bit overwhelmed I would talk to him.

Also not everything is black and white, everyone’s circumstances are different and we can’t judge people. I’m married and have two children. I work part time at a school, my husband works full time and I predominantly do all of the housework, food shopping, school runs etc. However I can’t contribute financially 50/50 as I don’t get paid enough and my husband knows that and he also knows how hard I work as a housewife and he even has his own jobs to do when he finishes work to make it fair.

You’ve just got to come to an arrangement that your both happy and comfortable with as when you agree to move in with someone your essentially agreeing to becoming a family.

Is your property mortgage free so you use the rent to pay the bills?

So do your tenants pay all their bills so all "your" bills associated with your property are covered? (Unless you also have to pay service charges on top which is your responsibility) Which he somehow finds unfair so tries to make you pay almost all HIS bills? Why aren't you playing only your share of the bills? You should only sell your property to buy another only if you're married. Don't do anything hasty.

If you are paying a market rent then I think your arrangement is very fair. When he sells the house I presume any equity will be 100% his and you are helping him pay the mortgage to enable that!
The only argument may be over what is the right market rent - like 50% of a 3 bed house rather than 25% of a 4 bed "student house" for example.

Suggest, as he’s unhappy with the finances, he moves into your property together and he pays 95% of bills and does 95% of the housework and physical food shopping and watch carefully for his reaction. He can deal with tenants and contracts plus tax implications.
IF you choose to stay with him in either home disentangle the savings immediately, insist he does half of the chores and put a stop to snarky comments each and every time.
He’s not sounding very pleasant to be frank OP.

I'm astounded at the number of posters on here that are focused on OP statement that she 'covers 95% of our household bills'. Either they can't read and/or they failed O level Maths. OP states she pays market rate rent and 'my rent covers 95% of our household bills'. That's a non issue.

The issue is her doing '95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking', it should be 50:50, and him possibly asking her to contribute more than him into saving for a new property or increasing her rent. Furthermore you don't know the value's of either property once the joint resources are pooled.

The other point to note here is the rent she receives for renting out her property is most likely significantly more than the rent she pays her partner. It may not cover her existing mortage, but that's a cost she would have to cover anyway.

Jeez, how big is his mortgage if it's just gone up by £800?

His bills are likely to be more than what she'd be paying on her property as there are also 2 kids living in his house part time that aren't her responsibility, so house probably bigger than ops, more people in the house increasing the utility bills, food will be more expensive as there's 4 people, she'll also be paying more in income tax and doing all the chores for 4 people not just herself. Her other post shows he doesn't like parenting the children so expects her to do it.
At what point should she be contributing more financially than she already does? The audacity for him to ask for more money because she got a pay rise. Even if he did start picking up some of the housework, it doesn't sound like a good and fair situation. Her rent from her tenants doesn't cover the mortgage but she will still end up paying tax on all of the rent money received, so will most likely have a large tax bill to pay for soon, which I'm sure he won't be factoring in on the finances
If he decides to end the relationship the op is financially vulnerable as she would need to go find somewhere to live while she got the tenants out of her house, so she should have more disposable income than him as she will need to be able to save enough money to rent herself if anything happens , the tenants could stop paying rent, trash the place. All the risk is on OPs side
The whole situation including the finances are ridiculous

I've been trying to work out some of the specifics of this given the detals you've given, OP.

If mortgage has gone up £800 - based on a guess about the the rate it has gone from and to - does that mean he now pays about £3,000 a month?

Bills about £1,000 a month?

And you pay about £950 a month?

Is that about right?

If so I can maybe see why he might expect you to pay a bit more - but then again I could be way off with my numbers.

The houseworks, though. That's ridiculous. Stop doing that immediately.

Even if your figures were right about the mortgage, he needs a bigger house because he has 2 children, so ops contribution shouldn't be based on how much he has to pay for his mortgage. She doesn't get any benefit from him needed a bigger house to accommodate his children. It is his problem and responsibility. He hasn't got a bigger house to accommodate OP
If OPs mortgage went up or tenants stopped paying the bills I imagine he wouldn't care less

I’m in a very similar position to you, so this might be useful. Everyone’s circumstances are different, of course, but here’s how things work for us.
I moved in with my partner and decided to rent out my own place. That property is completely separate – it’s my personal investment. The tenants cover the mortgage, and while I don’t make much profit (as the mortgage is fairly high), it does break even so I’m not out of pocket.

Since I now live with my partner, I contribute equally – half the mortgage and half the bills.

What I don’t quite understand in your situation is why you’re not contributing to the mortgage. To me, that feels like an odd setup. Even though you don’t have a legal stake in the property, you’re still living there, and in effect that’s no different to paying rent.

When it comes to bills, my partner and I split them down the middle too. Everything feels fair that way. My partner has a child, but I’m not really involved in parenting – that responsibility isn’t mine.

Housework, including food shopping and cooking, is shared as well. We also have a cleaner who comes in to do the bulk of the housework, which keeps things balanced.

It might be worth comparing the mortgage with the household bills. At the moment, it sounds like you’re effectively living rent-free and just covering bills. If you’re also doing the cooking and housework, perhaps you could work out what that contribution is worth financially. In my view, though, those day-to-day responsibilities should always be shared equally too.

Personally, I think the fairest approach is to split the finances down the middle.

Those numbers might not be right, of course, but based on those, OP is paying slightly less than a quarter of the total outgoings in order to live in the house.

Clearly paying half would be unfair as he owns the house and will keep the equity. Something like a third seems about right to me.

But she should stop doing the housework, obvs.