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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

402 replies

StrugglingSM28 · 19/08/2025 16:38

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

OP posts:
LouiseK93 · 20/08/2025 19:12

Please do not buy a house with this man.

gingerninja · 20/08/2025 19:17

Ignoring the housework bit and just looking at the finances. I would argue that you living in his house and renting your house gives you an advantage he doesn’t have and people seem to be missing the point that you’re also saving money living with him as you’re not covering your own mortgage. Why don’t you rent his house and move into yours and then flip the arrangement?

Mittleme · 20/08/2025 19:18

This is ridiculous
would rather be single than have a partner such as this .
this sounds like an arrangement and not a proper relationship .

2catsandhappy · 20/08/2025 19:22

oh @StrugglingSM28 , you love him and clearly, he loves your purse. Take out your savings and put it under your own name.
Drop 45% cleaning like a bomb.
Please look after yourself first. He is not looking after your interests.
Stomp your foot down and refuse to be taken for a mug.

seasid · 20/08/2025 19:25

I might be the one who’s unreasonable here but don’t get with someone who’s got kids unless you want to be a part of the family. My step dad got with my mum when I was 2 and I can’t imagine him turning round and being like ‘I’m not paying more because she’s YOUR kid’ - no, I was treated as if I was his own and he knew getting with my mum involved me so his finances became a part of the household including me. Maybe get with someone who hasn’t got kids

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 20/08/2025 19:34

I'd be very, very clear that HIS house and HIS children are HIS responsibility, not yours, and you're already paying more than your fair share and doing well more than your fair share of housework. In fact, you want that balance re-addressed.

If he kicks back, bluntly point out that he'd be a helluva lot worse off if you moved back out and lived separately.

Cheeky fucker he is. Are you sure he's worth it?

TonTonMacoute · 20/08/2025 19:39

ComfortFoodCafe · 19/08/2025 16:46

So basically he pays mortage and 5 percent the bills? Yet hes moaning that he has to pay child maintenance etc? Thats not your problem.
i would look at getting your tenants out and moving back into your own property, hes taking the piss out of you.

This.

The future is writ large here.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/08/2025 19:44

And many of the posters responding don’t realise the op has another thread going where she details that she does all the childcare of HIS kids too whilst he lies about and talks about how he can’t wait for them to go home to their mums.

YourWildAmberSloth · 20/08/2025 19:47

Do you really need to ask OP? He's getting a great deal, money, housework, childcare. And what do you get? Raise the bar.

PluckyChancer · 20/08/2025 19:54

Cut your losses and walk away now before you buy a house together.

This isn’t going to work out long term as you’re trying to negotiate with him as if you’re two young people starting out with a clean slate but he’s already got children which will be a lifelong financial commitment.

He’s using you as his unpaid housekeeper and children’s nanny.
Why is he not doing 50/50 housework??
Why are you letting him get away with this so early in the relationship??

Unless he’s earning megabucks, you are already subsidising his childcare costs and you will always come a poor second.

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 20/08/2025 19:56

Why the hell are you doing 95% of the housework?

FateAmenableToChange · 20/08/2025 19:59

Any man who would let you do 95% of the house work is a total and utter creep.

BruFord · 20/08/2025 20:00

You’re renting out your own property and making a loss- that makes no sense.

Personally, I think that you need to give your tenants notice that you need to move back into your house. Move home and continue your relationship if you wish to, but keep your finances separate.

You can still buy a house together in the future, you can both save up separately for that.

abs12 · 20/08/2025 20:08

So many women on here who have lived this type if thing. Listen to them. Because if the relationship lasts, in a few years time you wll be wanting out and pondering how you got yourself into this mess and how you missed the red flags. He is showing you who he is and it absolutely will not improve.

Run.

Lilactimes · 20/08/2025 20:10

Move back to your flat @StrugglingSM28
you can then maintain a relationship on your terms. Don’t settle at this stage - you are opening the door to decades of misery x

pinkyredrose · 20/08/2025 20:11

How has his mortgage gone up by so much? The base rate has just come down so it should be going down.

Why are you doing 95% of household chores?

Blibbleflibble · 20/08/2025 20:13

If I was with someone for only 18 months and they were starting to make "snide remarks" even though I paid 95% of the bills (minus the mortgage because that's his asset and equity and he bloody earns more) and did 95% of the house work (for some reason) I'd be taking my half of the joint account and getting the fuck out of dodge.

He sounds like a right twat. I would seriously put the buying a house together on the back burner and get your savings separated. You are not married, there is no reason you should have a joints savings account (I understand a joint bills account but not savings)

However if you are going to give him the benefit if the doubt and maybe give this relationship a bit longer to cook before committing to anything too permanent. And maybe split the chores a bit more evenly, you're his partner not his Mum. Xx

Missingmarbles1 · 20/08/2025 20:17

I'd look at several things

  • Total cost of utilities per head based on approx how many nights a week kids stay over the month
  • A small amount you pay per month for rent. It's fair you contribute to wear and tear in the house. Equally he shouldn't be making a profit out of you.

My guess is you'll end up paying less than you are now.

Your dp isn't being fair to you. I hope you have access to the cash equally to prevent him taking the lot.

You need to tackle the housework issue as a separate matter. He's treating you like a mug and you need to stop acting like one. If he's too busy then he needs to pay towards a cleaner.

WalmartWitney · 20/08/2025 20:23

StrugglingSM28 · 19/08/2025 16:38

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

Er....NO!

Ohnobackagain · 20/08/2025 20:28

amber763 · 19/08/2025 16:44

You are paying your fair share! More than! You absolutely should not be paying 95% of bills though. What does he pay? Just his mortgage and 5% of bills? That's not on. My partner lives with me in my flat. The mortgage is my own responsibility and bills and food are 50/50. Also why are you doing all the work around the house? Honestly I'd not want to be doing this. He's quids in and doesn't have to do any housework? His mortgage increase is his own problem.

This @StrugglingSM28 should be 50:50 and same with housework/cooking etc. He is taking the p and I’d be re-considering. Also agree with @Missingmarbles1 about token amount for rent (although I wouldn’t ask for this, I think it is right in some cases).

Ohnobackagain · 20/08/2025 20:34

Just realised @StrugglingSM28 after posting I forgot about your loss-making rental. I bet he wouldn’t go for that in your shoes? Definitely re-consider and discuss - if you want to carry on, make sure it is genuinely fair and not him having the ump because you don’t have the same outgoings. Not your problem!

Enrichetta · 20/08/2025 20:37

The numbers alone don’t make sense…

OP’s name suggests she is only 28
They've only been together 18 months
She is already de facto stepmother and chief caregiver to his 2 kids
She does 95% of the housework - he does 5% and plays on his phone instead of minding/interacting with his children.
And pays 95%(?) of household bills
The mortgage has increased by £800
She is making a loss on her rented out home

Seriously, @StrugglingSM28 - where do you see all this heading? Is this really what you want out of life?

  • Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ...
OhcantthInkofaname · 20/08/2025 20:37

How soon can you get the tenants out of your house? You need too be packing to move.

Pam100127 · 20/08/2025 20:41

It’s a very good deal - for him!
I think maximum 50% bills (his kids are there some of the time)
Also, 95% of housework - he has a housekeeper, who lives in, & pays him!
If this is how he is now, I’d be wary of making a long term commitment (he sounds tight)
Keep your own property as a safety net.

PeachyPeachTrees · 20/08/2025 20:42

Him paying for his kids shouldn't come into negotiating finances as they are not yours. If his mortgage suddenly went up by £800 I assume it's due to fixed rate ending and was fixed before your relationship started. Again his problem. I'm guessing if your mortgage went up or your tenants moved out you wouldn't ask him for financial help.
Personally I would remove your half of your future house savings and put in another savings account in only your name, this is safer as you're not married and he could take the lot.
Think long and hard if you want to be with him. If he is jealous of your pay rise instead of pleased for you that's a red flag.

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