Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

[StrugglingSM28]

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

I think the way you;ve described this OP is adding confusion to things. You've said you pay 95% of bills.

A more useful way to think of this would be to say you pay half the bills, plus an amount towards rent.

If you do that, how does it look then?

You are already paying more than your fair share. Market rent is way, way, way above a fair share of costs - he's making a profit out of you. And don't forget, if he were renting it out there would be costs associated with that - insurance, tax, accountancy, letting fees, etc, etc. He's getting a really good deal out of you. Especially if you are making a loss on renting your house out.

By all means agree to a review of the finances. You should pay your share of whatever costs are relevant to you - so for instance gas/electric/water should be split between you, him and a proportion for the time his kids spend in the house. Holidays - if his kids come along then you should pay a quarter). And so on.

And by all means offer to contribute to the mortgage ... so long as he puts your name on the deeds (it wouldn't be 50% obviously - agree a percentage appropriate to the contribution you make and get a solicitor to formalise the agreement).

And you simply need to STOP doing more than your fair share of the housework / life admin 😀

He is an opportunist. You shouldn't pay a dime to stay there, not groceries, not upkeep or maintenance. His place is his responsibility and you are his guest with your own responsibilities. Not his free housekeeper either. Do not sell your own home. Dump this selfish weasle.

My current husband, when dating, wouldn't let me pay for a thing. He pitched in on housework and all other chores. He paid MY mortgage and car payment, utilities. He moved in with me. Then we moved to a larger home, he paid for. Sold my home and I got the equity.

When a man cares for you, he provides, he helps with your work load when possible, he comforts but does not belittle, criticize or agitate, advises if you ask but does not manipulate, force, or pout, he puts you first, he never squeezes you for money! He is treating you like a roommate not a loving partner. That is a low thing for a man to do and it makes him very unattractive to me. I would kick him to the curb.

He is probably cheating on you too if he doesnt value you. If you cave, you'll be a doormat.

@LoveLifeBeHappy - Why would you pay half the mortgage for a property you have no stake in, and 50% of bills and food if half the time this is also for the benefit of his children?

The most someone in this situation should pay is half the cost of a room in a house share (assuming shared bedroom), and an appropriate portion of bills and food (depending on number and age of children and how much time they spend living there).

You sound like you're from the 1950s, yes OP shouldn't be covering his mortgage and maintenance. But she is living in his home not a guest. Men don't have to be the sole provider and pay everything for a woman, women aren't children and can work nowadays. She should be contributing but he is taking the piss

you should add up his monthly income (less his child support amount), and your monthly income. work out what % each of you is bringing in (let's assume it's 65% him, 35% you).

then add up all the bills (excl his mortgage, and your shortfall from your rental income). you should be paying 35% of this amount, and he should be paying 65% (or whatever your calculated proportion of income is).

it sounds like you're paying much more than this currently AND carrying more of the practical load.

if he's saying that you need to pay more, because he can't afford to, then you'll effectively be subsidising his mortgage payment - paying for him to build equity.

how would he manage if you moved back out?

Maybe it is a UK thing, where men think that bc a woman works, she must pay 50% of the household expenses. Women (most) notoriously earn less than men. Sad. If this lady owns her own home, her first financial responsibility is to her own home. What earnings is left cannot be used to pay HIS mortgage or bills. All of his financial obligations are his. Children included. She is a guest in his home who can leave any time. British men's attitudes are whiny, petulant and selfish if they take advantage of women this way.

Moving in with a love interest should not include paying for their real estate or being financially bleed out.

Reevaluate your relationship. Bc it sounds like you are paying for just physical benefits and it doesnt seem financially affordable. But is it worth it? That's my blunt perspective.

Yet your husband was paying your mortgage whilst you weren't married and he was a guest in your home who could leave at any time according to your theory.
They should be expected to pay their own mortgages and then bills should be split according to level of income but also taking into account who has children as the non-parent shouldn't be subsidising children that aren't theirs.

Your relationship sounds like I keep all my money because I'm a girl and also expect my husband to pay for everything. It sounds like gold digger expectations

Men and women shouldn't take advantage of each other whichever way round it is

OK where is op

It's UK thing. I've never earned as much as my British husband. 50 50 sends me out the door, hysterically laughing. Men seem to like me because he's paying and still here, 15 years later

Also EU women don't just move in with a man. We have to know he loves us. That is why our marriages last

No if anything he should be paying more as he's the one with children. I'd be moving back into my own home OP and then rethinking if I wanted to continue the relationship. He's essentially trying to make you upkeep a house that legally isn't yours by making you pay almost all of the bills and do almost all of the housework and food shopping.

If money from a man = love to you, then I find that a bit concerning to be honest. I would feel like I was being treated like a child or a prostitute
It doesn't have to be 50% each, it can be proportionate to your income split
I earn more money than my partner, he's a good man who loves me, I don't need him to pay for everything to know he loves me. I don't need to be a kept woman and I won't be bought by a man
But yer, you crack on with your stereotypes and 1950s values

I totally understand what you're saying but looks like this case is an arrangement because it's based on money in my opinion . Do u mean to say get with someone that loves you and not your money and contribution .
and not an arrangement .

This thread has jumped the shark……

…… and the OP is long gone.

She’ll be back in a fortnight, a month……….. a year - with the same story, with minor variations.

For whatever reason - ‘love’, a misguided belief in the value of ‘doing things for her man’, low self-esteem, et cetera - she will (probably) stay.

Similar stories sadly are way too common.

Agree. She’s probably busy cooking cleaning childminding and wiping his lazy arse and paying for the privilege.

And yes in a few months they’ll be another thread asking the same questions, getting the sane answers and nothing will change - rinse and repeat

By the same logic you have bought your husband and are paying him to fuck you.

Nope. I'm not married and I don't pay for everything we pay for things proportionately depending on whether it's something that effects us or is our responsibility. I pay for my house, he pays for his, for joint stuff we pay depending on income split. So no I'm not paying to fuck him and he's not paying to fuck me, or we're paying to fuck each other 🤷
Money isn't proof of love. Treating each other to nice things and enjoying each others company and being kind and loving to one another is a much healthier relationship in my opinion

Nothing more to add that hasn’t already been said, just wanted to add another vote of stand your ground and he’s a CF!

You missing the point

She says she pays Rent. It doesn't say she pays rent AND 95% of household bills. The statement that her rent happens to be equivalent to 95% of household bills is irrelevant, as she clearly states 'my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area' (her words), so her partner is not taking advantage of her in that instance.

As to the rent she receives from her property. She is renting out an entire property whilst she pays her partner 'market rate for renting a room including bills. Unless its a really crappy property the assumption would be she makes far more from renting her property out than she pays her partner for the equivalent of renting a room. The fact the rent she receives doesn't cover her mortgage is immaterial.

I don't know the tax rules around renting, but I'm assuming she can offset expenses against the rental income.

Financially, its fair to say she benefits more from the current arrangement than her partner.

The question then comes to housework, she does 95%. If she was only a tenant or lived in her own place she would still have to do 100% of cooking, 100% of shopping and 100% of the cleaning for herself. That said a 50:50 split obviously would be more equitable. As to childcare fully agree that is on him.

Then we come to the real issue around saving for a new property. We don't know what each of them contributes or what percentage of their respective salaries their contributions represent. Maybe he contributes 30% of his salary and she contributes 10%, in which case 'yes' she should contribute more. Maybe its the other way around in which case she should contribute less. Needless to say they should both be contributing the same percentage of earnings into that pot, until such point as they get married. I would also suggest keeping the monies in separate accounts or if its a joint account an account where both signatories are required for any withdrawal.

No, you are missing the point. Read the OP’s posts again. She is worse off financially living with this man than she would be in her own home, and is doing 95% of the housework in a household with this useless man and his child. And others have pointed out that her previous posts are about how he is also making her do most of the childcare. She should run away from this exploitative man as quickly as she possibly can. She is being treated like a cash cow and a servant.

I’m sorry OP but you are doing more than your fair share. You are right that you should just pay market rate for renting as your part of the mortgage. Plus bills should be 50:50. His costs anrising from his kids is his problem and not yours. Unless you are married and your name is on the house, he can jog on!

This!
he doesn’t respect or value you. RUN @StrugglingSM28

@StrugglingSM28

That’s correct. I don’t currently pay towards the mortgage. The mortgage is 3x more than the bills. We split food costs.

I think you have a good deal to be honest if he pays all the mortgage & splits food. Meanwhile you can rent your property out & get the majority (I know not all) of your mortgage paid off by your tenants.

I think him having children does complicate matters though. What if you decide to have your own baby? Who pays what then?

Yes. I agree... It must be a very big mortgage to do that....
Ours went up after the Truss Budget...
How did his suddenly go up by £800 when mortgage interest rates went below 5% again this August ?
You could google this... or look at your own mortgage lenders .

I think this sounds like an excuse to pressurise you into paying more.

@converseandjeans a good deal? Are you the boyfriend? You are having a laugh, she is paying most of the bills and why would she contribute to a mortgage for a property she isn’t on the deeds for when they aren’t married? That would be stupid! And poorly advised! The kids don’t complicate anything, his kids, his costs, not hers.