To feel like I’ve wasted my life

[WastedMyPotential]

I’m 26, live at home and have no chance of buying a house before I’m 30.

I’ve spent the last three years doing a job I’ve hated, because I thought it was right for me. Get to the end, I’m a couple of months away from qualifying as a solicitor, and I realise how much I hate it, so I’m starting over in the NHS soon. (Three days before qualifying)

I’ve got two degrees and a potential masters (if I resit the exams), but what do I have to show for it? I’ve never had a relationship because I’ve focussed on university and exams since I was 18. I’m still on minimum wage, I’ve got nothing really going for me.

I just feel like I’ve completely wasted my life. I’ve qualified as a solicitor when I hate it, I’ve done everything my family expected of me, and I still feel empty and hopeless. I just wonder “what was the point”

Please tell me you’re going to stick out being a solicitor for long enough to get the qualification? Do not jack it in before qualifying!

OP, of course you haven't "wasted your life". You're 26 and you've worked incredibly hard. Take a break, have fun. Nobody ever said everyone has to be a wildly ambitious high-flyer.

Kindly though, I do think it's a bit worrying that "all you've ever wanted" is to be a mum and that you've designed the life you want so rigorously. Not because this is a bad thing to want, but because there are plenty of women who find out they're infertile and they can't have that, so don't hang all your hopes on it. If you can't be a mum it's not the end of your life, either.

In one way you say you would quite happily be a secretary for the rest of your life and earlier you said that the NHS interview had a positive feel as they spoke openly about their hopes of promoting you quite quickly……the 2 ways of thinking don’t really align, do you think you know what you really want

On the contrary being mum has completely worked out for me. I’m simply being realistic and honest that being a mum isn’t zenith of women’s achievement and it does not define you as an individual. Some people people are messianic about being a mum as if it resolves every problem melts away any doubts and gives you this overarching role that you have for the rest of your life and that you maintain a gloriously happy state just happy to be Mum.. as a as a society we portray motherhood as the ultimate thing that women should want to attain above all else including career and self development. I would advise any any woman to maintain her career and her own money and not lose yourself in being Mum don’t be a housewife don’t give up work keep your own money.

you only have to look at Mumsnet threads to see posts from new parents and mothers who aren’t completely satisfied with being a parent and wonder what’s happened to their career and life and they are not immediately propelled into a habitually happy state just because they are a mother

There are many non-solicitor roles you can do with your training. Don't rush into anything.

You’re 26. You haven’t wasted your life.

If it’s any consolation, I work in law and I barely know a single solicitor who wouldn’t jack it in if they were younger and could get the same pay elsewhere - once you’ve built a stupidly expensive lifestyle and got a massive bloated mortgage based on the salary, it’s very difficult to get out.

Don't rush into anything though, it’s a varied profession with lots of alternative roles.

I'm 21 years qualified as a solicitor and hate it.

Get out now while you can otherwise you really will waste your life doing a job you hate.

It’s not stale at all unless you let it become stale. I’m over 25 years qualified and have changed my area of specialty 4 times now to keep things fresh. I think OP should look at changing the area of law she’s been doing before throwing in the towel.

OP, I'm 50 and a teacher and sometimes I feel like I haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up yet!

I remember 26. My son is 26. You're barely an adult. You can't have wasted your life by 26 simply because so little of it has happened!

In my degree there were poeple im their 40s and 50s having changes in careers much later. Don't feel that way. Younhave had many oppprtunities and experinces that will make you desirable to emplpyees. I changed careers many times in my 20s I ended up i. The NHS and worked in many roles. From PA, Secretary, IG officer, IT admin, Educational Admin, Medical students assistant..... Etc etc. There are so many positions you can work your ways up the pay grades. I went from a band 3 to a band 6 within 4 years. I managed a team of 4 people and worked on the Electronics patients system. I was originally clinical so I had a massive change if career.
I found contenment at the age of 30. But i swapped jobs every 6 months - 2 years.

You have worked really hard and made a lot of sacrifices to get your qualifications. It sounds as though you're burned out. Perhaps the travel isn't such a bad idea. Perhaps you could do something with your qualifications that will enable you to save for a bit so that you can take a gap year. It's never too late for a gap year. I have been promising one for myself for a while as I never had one before or after uni and I am considerably older than you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I am a lawyer in my 50s. I know so many people who absolutely hate it. Probably about half of the lawyers I know (and I know a lot, particularly since DH is also a lawyer). If you dislike it it is better to get out. Particularly since the profession is undergoing significant change.

DH is managing partner of a large law firm which employs hundreds of lawyers. They think that within 10 years the job will have changed beyond recognition due to AI and that there will be very few junior/mid level lawyers required. They are expecting only to hire a very few just for succession planning purposes. The junior work and anything even vaguely formulaic such as property work will be largely done using AI. They are anticipating fairly significant restructures at a junior level as a result and are already looking to reduce the number of trainees they take on since it's expensive to train lawyers and they simply won't be needed. There are likely to be thousands of law graduates unable to find roles in the profession.

If it not for you then things are unlikely to get better for you. It isn't a job where you tend to have good work life balance and the pressure can be immense.

Hi OP,

I definitely suggest some time out. You are so young. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your aspirations to be a mum and have a quiet life etc. Travel would be fabulous. Just a suggestion - start with the camino - take a month or so - it is cheap and gives you so much time to think and reflect:)

Hang in there. Sometimes it takes time to find your thing.

At 26 you've still got time to work things out.

At 26 i was utterly clueless and in pretty dire straits after a series of educational failures and working in a miserable job. At 32, I binned off the rate race and went and worked on farms in Europe for food and board. I came back a year later with a better idea of what I needed to do then went for it.

You have time on your side.

As well as the NHS, Have you considered working for a charity, such as women’s aid, housing, a children’s charity? I don’t know how difficult or easy those jobs are to get. But I’ve had friends and worked alongside people in those roles and although they aren’t as well paid as the awful
boring side of the law that’s really just about money, they’ve enjoyed their jobs, found them worthwhile and been happy.
26 is very young.
I really don’t want to be harsh but “just” a nice house, garden, two (healthy) children of opposite sexes (genders?) and a dog oh and a husband that is decent, behaves well and respects you is not the life most people get. It’s a lot to expect from life.
I agree that you are probably exhausted and that because you did well in your education, there have always been high expectations of you both from others and yourself.
Fulfilment and pleasure are most often found in being useful to others, and as you’re saying that’s what you enjoy anyway and you’re going into a helping role, the way you feel about yourself is likely about to change for the better Hapoiness will follow but it may not be found where you thought it was! Best of luck x

You have plenty of life left.

You have 2 degrees (I do too as I changed my mind twice too) and my advice would be to focus less on work/education and more on your personal life.

There is no right or wrong way to do a career but having a 'life' (time, hobbies, friends, life partner, family, pets etc...) will make a huge difference to how you experience everything. Prioritize the things that will make you happy not the things you think you 'should' do so as not to 'fail' (you pretty much can't fail at life, avoid drugs and crime and you'll probably by fine any path you choose).

You can have all that (well, can't guarantee the kids). Don't blame yourself, it's hard for your generation-us Xennials were the last to be able to date without going online, and we were able to combine dating with life in a way you can't. I'm not saying this to be patronising-quite the opposite, friends around my age (mid eighties DOB and above) often say they wish they'd not spilt up with partners because dating is like another job now, and people act like they aren't keen on dating or settling down. There are many men who genuinely do want to talk and settle down-my friends with older children often say their kids talk about old TV/films with them, and wish they had what we took for granted, just to get married and love each other. Just be honest with any men you choose to date- you want to move on and have a family, and if he's not ready to commit, be ready to leave.
Please don't criticise yourself for a lack of ambition-really wanting a good marriage and family can be one of the hardest things to achieve, but also the most magical.
Another option is just to grit your teeth and do the job you're qualified for but hate, and when you've had your kids, combine maternity leave/PT work with training for another job (it's not easy but possible, I found) and then by the time they start school, you're ready to do the job you want.

I did acknowledge that others feel differently.

It's amazing that at 26 you are brave enough to step away and search for something more fulfilling. I have only just found the bravery to do the same at 55 snd after 30 years of doing a job that I found soul destroying! I wish so much that I'd done it at 26 when I had my whole life ahead of me.

It sounds as if you're academically able, analytical, want a life with meaning & purpose and enjoy helping people. There's a limited number of people with all those attributes plus postgrad legal qualifications. You will find your niche somewhere. Perhaps the problem is that you've always been in settings where career is planned with goals and next steps, and so understandably you feel lost and as if something is wrong. However it's surprising how many people don't plan and end up in interesting jobs they didn't know existed, particularly in large organisations with complex admin e g NHS, Universities, charities.

If going with the flow and seeing what awaits you in the NHS isn't for you then, once you've had a break, the careers office at your uni should offer a service to graduates. They can make sure you are aware of all the areas in which you can use your legal background.

Agree with this advice. I found out if I didn't tell men I'm only dating for marriage, they imagined some wild sex periods....was the looker once lol. It's been decades

Don't allow men to turn you into a partner. You want marriage, tell this to any possible candidate. No games.

Many realise in their 40s that they chose the wrong career path- and at that point they have children and mortgage which makes it very difficult to get out of. You’re actually in the best position to try something else because you have the freedom to do it. Finding out the type of career you don’t want isn’t a waste of time - it’s is really valuable experience that will lead you onto something better.

You're a solicitor

So a damn sight luckier than a lot of people

Yes life is shit, but your salary potential makes yours less shit

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