To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

But this is just trying to present objections.

Of course you wouldn't stash chicken under your mattress. They aren't house prisoners as well are they? You pop out to "get something posted" etc and grab some pre-cooked chicken and a punnet of cherry tomatoes.

We have travelled with young children a lot over the years and there isn't always someone to "speak to" about the food. You get good at managing it. Actually one of mine is just having an impromptu nectarine on the move, sliced into pieces with a kiddy knife. Lots of mmm and yums going on. It's what you make of it. And honestly, its only a week.

I mean I agree, I'd find a way to say something. Actually, I wouldn't have to as DH would BUT the scenario OP has painted is that she and DH feel it would create more conflict than they want to cause.

Yeah I travel with kids too. And obviously there are situations where you need to manage (although I wouldn't go anywhere where none of us could eat a proper meal for a whole week). Not sure about the relevance of the nectarine story, my kids love fruit too (and vegetables), but I still want them to have proper meals. But I still think it's absurd to have to sneak out for a walk to eat some cold chicken when there is a fully functioning kitchen.

I agree completely, @DarklingIlisten - my motto is "Never Knowingly Undercatered".

Sometimes it can seem too big an issue to confront in the moment especially if you understand the background to it.

My DM (85) was brought up in an atmosphere of genteel poverty. Keeping up appearances was the utmost priority. DM also adored her parents (we are seeing how much now that dementia has set in).

To challenge DM on her approach to food (eat what you are given, when you are given it) would be to challenge her upbringing.

We got round this ultimately by not spending mealtimes at DM's except when ordering a takeaway. Otherwise we would host her at our house where we could be in charge of catering.

This all came about after a particularly awful meal which DCs wouldn't touch (understandable, it was quite vile and served very late). After that we promised DCs we wouldn't let it happen again.

I don't think that you have to challenge in a "we are right and you are wrong" way. I also think if it was just adults visiting then they can have more choice over how they deal with it. In this situation I'd be more concerned about making sure the children got the food they were used to at the times-ish they were used to and in the quantities they needed......but also its teaching children that various unhealthy practices about food (secret eating, limiting food eaten in public and so on) are ok. Kids are learning when parents and others are not deliberately teaching.

"its teaching children that various unhealthy practices about food (secret eating, limiting food eaten in public and so on)"

Yes, absolutely on this!

Same here. We once hosted a family barbecue, DBIL told us he had barely eaten all week in preparation for the feast DH would no doubt be serving up.

An aunt & uncle had had a light lunch before coming over and were disappointed to only be able to manage very little.

DBIL called them amateurs!

Eating while on the move is fair enough- children understand that usual mealtime arrangements don’t apply.

However, a week of telling lies in order to buy and hide food and then eating in secret does not teach children about healthy food or healthy relationships. Children should not have to engage in subterfuge to avoid hunger at their own grandparents’ house.

I think popping out to buy chicken and eating it in secret is madness.
Just have the conversation.
Don’t be so polite. If a tiny pizza is brought out give kids a normal portion and if there’s none left for hosts then it hits home how silly they are - oh I assumed there was more pizza in kitchen, one small pizza can’t possibly serve 6, I’ll let the children eat and go and buy more etc.

I think the issue sometimes is some people are small eaters ( usually older people) so forget that a growing family need lots more food. Kids need snacks, but some older people won’t have this in their cupboards because they don’t eat it.

I stayed at a family members before who didn’t use milk so didn’t have any in the fridge. I politely said our kids eat breakfast cereal so went out and got some from the local shop.

Some people invite people to stay with them yet don’t have basics such as bread and milk.

I find this totally bizarre.

I get that , but I’ve already gave the OP my opinion.
It’s a very simple fix. Invite them to hers so she can eat and drink as much as she wants or just don’t go at all.
No one is forced to do anything. If her husband is such a wet blanket he won’t say anything, then the OP should.

I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour, starving my family and I’m sure you wouldn’t either.

My kids happiness would become before my in-laws. If they are offended - tough

And why should the OP who doesn’t drive have to take her family on the train to see her
tight in-laws , who deprive them of food when they get there ? What fun is there in this ?

loving "noodle spined"

Just sneak out for come pre cooked chicken. Or have a nectarine. Sorted.

This is about your dh understanding he is now a parent and has to put his children first. Not see himself primarily as the child of his parents.

Children's food needs come before those of adults. Any adult who cant speak up and set this boundary however politely...and assertively...is being weak. Sorry.

Just feed your children normally and model good parenting and healthy food behaviours, rather than sneaking around trying to hide a normal food intake to try to appease controlling people who choose to feed starvation rations to their grandchildren.

I agree with this ^^

There is no way I would pussy foot around these people with weird ideas about food. If it offends them, I don't care. They have offended me by not feeding my children properly. And if they kicked up such a stink that it is impossible to stay I would just go home.

People like this won't change their behaviour if people continue to walk on eggshells around them.

I agree and was being sarcastic based on other responses. Apologies if that was not clear.

Well then they will have to address it; it really is that simple.

But they don't need to starve - or feed the children flapjacks for a week. That's really my point.

PIL never mentioned any problems until later with BIL and DIL. DIL was distant in nature. When we changed the meal times they came round a couple of times and then stopped. Neither I nor DH said anything and to this day DH does not want to acknowledge there was a problem. BIL is now divorced and we no longer see him. My parents always fed everyone in the home, no matter who. The saying was "Divide small and supply all". So it was quite a time before I cottoned on to what BIL was doing. It was my kind neighbour who opened my eyes when she asked when was it our turn to go to their house for a meal.

At 3 and 5 though?

We have ILs who are tight like this. The most memorable lunch was one small chicken between 5 adults (not overweight) and 2 growing teens, 2 small roast potatoes and a desert spoonful of peas each and worst of all VERY runny gravy. They even made the point about hoping for leftover chicken for the next day! Dessert was a petit filous tiny pot each. Yet when they come to us FIL eats like a gannet!

Now when we visit we have a big breakfast before the drive, pack snacks, and have a bigger meal when we get home. We refuse to stay overnight. Their cat gets a bigger bowl of biscuits than the cereal they spoon out!

Dear @SpaceRaccoon, would it be rude of me to request some additional information about "penis portion nonsense"? I am wondering if it is a typo. But I am hoping that it is not, and that there is one hell of a back story.