To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

Thank you. Your last paragraph was exactly my point.

Every family has its own peculiarities around food. This can make it very difficult to challenge if you have been brought up a particular way.

In my family we were brought up to eat what was put in front of us, when it was put in front of us. Asking for food in any way was 'bad manners'. No asking for snacks, no asking not to have something (I can't eat egg but would regularly be expected to).

I can still remember how upset and annoyed DM was when DB wanted to get a slice of bread for his toddler DD because Sunday lunch was running late and she was hungry and getting fractious. He was pretty much chased out of the kitchen.

DM wasn't mean with food but she was controlling. But she wouldn't have seen it that way, she just thought she was demonstrating good manners.

Every parent needs to do their best to have NO peculiarities around food in order to maximize their kids turning out with no issues.

IMHO the best way is to simply not make a big deal. Ask if kids are hungry 30 mins before their normal meal times, and assuming they are (they will be!) feed them and don't make a fuss if they leave loads. Offer them healthy snacks regularly. Offer them sweet treats every so often.

Ours don't eat too much, and eat fairly healthily. We never make a big deal about witholding sweets and chocolate, and ours know where chocolate is hidden but never go digging for it, and are quite capable of watching us have a sweet treat without wanting one themselves (because they know there's not some rule in place governing their sweet-eating so they don;t need one now they can have one another time).

Maybe we're just lucky, but we've really tried to make food no big deal at all and (we think as a result) ours seem to have healthier relationships with food than we do.

PILs here are massively increasing the risk of these kids growing up with a weird attitude to food.

And another thing. If lunch is running late and I am starving I will eat something NOW and I don't care if I only have half a portion of lunch and the host is offended. If someone tried to get in the way of me feeding my hungry toddler then I would lose it bigtime!

Aww they've got to bash the British wherever possible, We're the scum of the earth don't forget.

It's just bad hospitality, if nothing else. As the host you want to be offering too much to your guests, you want to be as generous and welcoming as possible. Always bad if people can't see that their own standards (of hunger, in this case) might not be shared by everyone else. My best friend and his wife don't make us dinner until 10pm (at the earliest) when I go round there and that drives me mad as I usually eat around 6pm.

I think the point the poster you have quoted was making is that it isn't 'just food' for a certain type. And you can't just 'have a chat about it' with some people. There is no point at which some in laws will just become hospitable, rational, functioning people who will put the needs of their family first when a their son or a daughter-in-law finds the correct string of words to tap into their 'reasonable side'.

There is an awful lot of chatter on here about 'being more assertive' with your in laws, which reveals the inability of some people to see the shades of grey, and indeed the threat that many women face when around their partner's family.

For full transparency, I no longer see my ILs who ticked an awful lot of the food problem boxes on this thread (us packing our own food? check. my husband going out to buy more food when we turned up to empty cupboards? check. you just ate an ice cream = no lunch? check. we had a HUGE lunch you won't be wanting dinner? check. Them eating (and drinking) us out of house and home when they came round to us? check.).

However, the reason I no longer see them is not because I was permanently hungry and uncomfortable having what i was eating scrutinised (I have always been a healthy size 10-14 in the time I have known them), though that didn't help, but rather because of the underlying threat that permeated every aspect of their attempts to control us, and particuarly me (it was particuarly gendered...). I don't think they would ever have assaulted me, but they were generally aggressive people, MIL can only speak in a shout for example, FIL spent a lot of time 'accidently' wacking people as he barrelled around the place, the doors and windows were firmly locked by them and they had the key, they didn't like us having our own car/being able to drive (something we both did late in life).

I completely understand the way that the poster has explained the escalation, and trying to see this as a single, isolated incident of violence outside of the context of the weirdness about hosting, money and food is exactly what allows these situations to persist. You need to believe women's versions of their stories involving their in laws and not try to flatten them into a palatable in-laws/parents = accomodating and nurturing vs violent people = bad/to be avoided.

I remember a visit to my SIL house when my boys were 9,8 and 6. For dinner one night they served one large pizza. For 4 adults and 6 kids under 9. We had to cut the slices in half. After we had cleaned up I went into the room we were staying in and my oldest was crying in bed because he was so hungry from swimming all day. I told my SIL we had to run an errand and took all my boys to eat. My SIL wasn't happy that we ran out, but there would have been no sleep that night had I not. Again, this was not a money thing. My boys still talk about it and they are young adults! It has become family folklore! :)

This is our IL challenge. My FIL is adamant that our kids need to finish what's on their plates. They dish up for them too so it's not like the kids have a choice in their portion size. If we are there I will always stop it, we are clear that we do not force anyone to eat anything, but it happens when they have the kids and caused massive arguments with DD. I will address it every single time, and tell the kids that that is one rule they do not have to abide by.

Yeah my MIL can be a bit weird/off with portions at times. I remember when I was breastfeeding and she had invited me for lunch and gave me one small piece of toast with a spoonful of scrambled egg (covering about half the toast or less) for my lunch. Having a small bit of food just made me feel more hungry and frustrated. I went home and made another piece of toast and a big dollop of scrambled eggs made with two eggs, milk and cheese, to go on the top, and a big spread of butter on the toast.

Even MIL though was generous compared with some of the examples. Most of the time there was plenty of food when we went round there, just sometimes it could be a bit off. She lost a lot of weight a few years ago and admits now that she can hardly eat anything without putting weight on, so I think she lost perspective at certain times.

My DDs we'ren't afraid to set her straight when they were old enough anyway "Granny, I'm still hungry!" Then as teenagers they can generally eat a scabby horse through the barn door, DN ever more so, and her portions have definitely taken a turn for the better!

Yes, I hate the "finish your plate" mentality. It just made me eat more than I needed to as a kid and teenager. I tried to teach my two to not at least take too much food when you have a choice, but also expected that they would sometimes get it wrong, as I do as an adult.

My DPs were war babies and DM was a typical grandma going mad with sweets with my DDs. If anything my parents overfed with love. Me, our cats, their dog, specifically. None of us were huge but definitely a little on the solid side. They remembered rationing, no sweets when they were little and made up for it all their lives!

I feel lucky that my family and in-laws are/were very generous with food, insisting on making certain everyone left the table satisfied. (And that include all generations!)

It's ridiculous that they're offended that people have bigger appetites than theirs. They didn't spring out of the ground just yesterday. Even if they are small eaters, surely they're familiar with the reality that not everyone else is. I'd try not to care if they're offended that you provide some of your own food, because they've started it by failing to take everyone's comfort into consideration.

This can't be real?? Was it during a war or something?

At first I thought you meant you all shared one egg between you. But now I realise it was one egg each, well that's all right then! 😂

@JamieCannister every family has its own peculiarities (or particularites if you like). You are doing what you believe works best for your household. That's great but someone else may take a different approach because they believe it works best for their household.

These approaches could be very different from each other. But each will think they are right.

The OP's DPIL are taking what they believe is the right approach. IMO this is a household where there is and always has been a lot of secret eating. The meagre portions are there because the mealtimes are for show. They may be assuming that everyone will fill up on whatever private stash of food they have.

I may not agree with that approach. I didn't agree with my DM's approach. Does that make me right or just different?

Also off topic, but my brother once did a 4x4 trip across Namibia for a travel article he was writing, and he stayed with an Afrikaans farming family for a few days. For every breakfast he sat down to a table laden with steak, boerewors (sausage), lamb chops, eggs and bacon, fried potatoes, and porridge with hot milk!

There's a joke about Afrikaners that for them, chicken is a vegetable 😂

Also, when they do eat vegetables, they are mashed up and mixed with copious amounts of honey and sugar! (My husband is Afrikaans so I'm allowed to mock them)

But surely when you are hosting a family, your 'approach' takes a back seat. The priority is ensuring your guests/family are comfortable during their stay.

You can go back to your approach when your guests have left.

When our DC were about 7 & 9 there was an argument about food when I was plating the dinner: "She has more carrots than me", "I wanted more peas". I had had enough of the arguments. I opened the cupboards and put all the veg in bowls and the meat on a large plate, gravy in a jug. Everything was put on the table and we helped ourselves. That was what happened on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday from then on. Anything new was to be tasted, i.e. a tiny bit on their plate and they were encouraged to dip their fork in and lick the prongs. If they didn't like it that was fine. No problems with food/portions etc.

All I was saying is what I believe (and hope) helps enable our kids not to have issues with food as they get older.

All you are doing is saying that other people do what they think is best because they have issues!

I am more than happy to be told about the better ways of encouraging kids to have healthier relationships with food than our way of trying to do it... but I am sure we have it much more right than OPs PILs do.

is it a tightness thing, or just that older people have smaller appetites and they’re not realising / believing they need to up portions for you?

They could also passively aggressively saying you’re overweight.

I’m curious OP…what do you do have do you fill the time when visiting in-laws? I’m Italian and we have always “done” meals. Plan food make food enjoy food. And we are all normal sized adults. At times it seems the visit revolves around food too much because of course Italian love is often expressed via a shared meal and in general what I call hospitality. How do you spend your time there?

DH needs to speak to them.

is it a tightness thing, or just that older people have smaller appetites and they’re not realising / believing they need to up portions for you?

IL were in 50s when it was worse - they had DH young- now in 70s I think it is appetite decline but they tend to feed us now.

Honestly think they just had issues - I did at times think it was a dig at me but then saw it was done to others as well - so no idea what was going on really.

I do agree that it hugely helps if DH is on side - to help you manage situation with extra food or to have a quiet word.

My kids rarely saw their GP. On a rare visit one of them asked for a biscuit....Help yourself I said. MIL furious.