To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

For my MIL it to do with perceived gluttony/dieting obsessions.
We went out for a meal when DD was under 2 and there served her a huge plate of pasta, enough for an adult. She didn’t finish it but ate loads. MIL was FURIOUS she hadn’t cleaned her plate. Very disordered view of portions in the end.

So many questions! Apologies if you have already addressed them
Did you ever pull them up on any of this?
What did your other half say/ do?
Why didn't you just refuse to feed them ( oh what a lovely surprise, sorry we don't have enough, if you just wait, we will be done soon)
What happened when you changed lunchtime?
What are PILs like?

Do your kids not say anything? My 4 year old would be moaning he is hungry if he only got one crumpet for tea 😂. He would get the message across to them without me needing to say anything lol.

A week of starving small children! Seriously, what is more important? The sensitivities of miserable gits or keeping the kids fed.

But equally, can't they just have extra "sneaky" snacks for the week?

It all cuts both ways: everyone on MN gets too wound up about having to do things differently for a relatively short space of time. It's actually good to teach children to be adaptable. That' not to say the GP are in the right; they should be adaptable too - and more aware. But all this "this or that MUST happen" is quite OTT. Sometimes we mend and make do in life; it's actually a skill. These days many people seem to need trauma counselling if their "food preference boundaries" are infringed for a few days. you can keep children fed without it needing to be at the dining table with cutlery for one week.

You could have been writing about my parents - I refuse to go out with them anywhere because of it. Im not a huge eater, but im not going to NOT ORDER to make them feel better. I have had them guilting me with food and image as a child for as long as I can remember and it had to stop.

thats what my parents send but the kids dont eat it all, i give most if it to british friends,neighbours and husbands side of the family when we visit as they like scandinavian snacks and sweets. My parents know this so they send things they know aquintances here like

Have the conversation or squirrel a picnic into your bedroom and tuck in when everyone has gone to bed.

I would refuse to go unless my DH said something. As your children get older it will be unbearable. It’s utterly ridiculous to not say anything and it’s even more ridiculous that they have no concept whatsoever of a normal appetite.

Do all people from your country act in a similar way? That’s bizarre. So if I meet one person from your country I’ve met them all? That’s bizarre

My boyfriend's sister tells off their nutty mother in her own home all the time. And my BF despite him being older than her, their silly aunt and various other family members as needed. She's got a vicious tongue and the intelligence to back it up - bf describes her as 'like a blonde Hermione Granger without the magic'.
Some people no matter how old do need to be told off on occasions. My late bitch of a mother certainly could have done with a telling off - instead she physically attacked people who stood up to her ... 🙄

I think this is an interesting one. MIL and mother were both born in 1936. They have entirely different attitudes to food.

MIL was sent to live with her gran in Wales during the war, was the eldest, returning to London aged 9/10 and was the eldest of five. Her parents had little but their Sunday lunches and great grandma's dinners were legendary. I doubt they were hungry but plenty of cheap cuts and probably not much on treats. MIL was so mean with food, she counted food, down to potatoes and commenting if someone had a bigger or smaller chop.

Mother stayed on the family farm which her mother ran with her father during the war as her brothers and father enlisted. An elderly uncle also lived with them. So, one child and the sugar/sweet rations of 7 adults! Not that she ate them. Also an abundance of produce and pig in the larder! Mother grew up as a feeder whilst never over-indulging herself.

As adults neither had a shortage of money but MIL was just mean and wouldn't spend it. Her brothers and sisters are hospitable and aren't like it. MIL has never, in her 65 years in her home, ever invited a friend or neighbour in for a cup of tea or coffee, let alone a meal. When dh or his sisters had a friend round, they were sent home at mealtimes!

I'd arrange for a Tesco delivery to come while you are there!

You omitted the fact that OP asked for supermarket vouchers for her birthday. She isn't expecting her PILs to pay for their food, she is asking them for a birthday present that will benefit her whole family, including their son. I assume that they normally buy her a birthday present and she is just asking them for something that they really need.

And…who invites people to a birthday celebration, and tells some of the guests that they’re not to have any of the cake when it comes out?!?!

No. That wasn't my point. It was to counter the many, many suggestions that she should just order a big shop when she gets there. She can't afford to.

I just can’t get my head around thinking that serving a crumpet to a child as their dinner is perceived by ILs as a nutritious meal. No protein, no vegetables, and hardly any calories? Just a minimal amount of processed carbs? Really? DH needs to grow a spine and say something.

You don’t have to put up with shoddy treatment by the in-laws just because you’re related. My ex’s parents were like that so I stopped visiting.

They won’t change so you have to either accept their nonsense or vote with your feet.

Put yourself and your kids first and leave your pathetic DH to it.

It's not really "it must be like this" to want to be adequately fed when staying somewhere, especially when more than willing to sort yourself. It's completely absurd to me that sneaking flapjacks in your room is seen as the solution. (1) it hardly replaces proper meals and (2) it's ridiculous that adults can't have a conversation and need to resort to sneaky snacking in place of proper nutrition. Plus, what does it teach the kids?

Exactly. It's not just about volume. It's about ensuring that they get proper food. Which is also why the flap jack alternative is just rubbish. I dread to think what a week of eating secret flap jacks - with the odd crumpet or slice of pizza - would make me feel like.

But why does it have to be flapjacks? One of the easiest foods in those circumstances is fruit. Supermarkets now offer plenty of pre-cooked chicken, grainy salads etc. And even a glass of milk is nutritious for children. If conflict is really an issue, there are plenty of ways to grab a bite that is nutritious without it needing to be cooked on site.

For me, I'd just say something personally, but the situation here seems to be the op feels they can't. But it really isn't a case of conflict or starve. There are middle paths.

yeah I still wouldn't want my kids to eat fruit for a week instead of proper meals. Nor myself. Nor would I want to secretly stash pre-cooked chicken under my mattress in a house with a kitchen and a fridge when all that is required is a conversation.