To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

I’m intrigued by the pizzas—you can cut them into really small slices if you do 8 per pizza…but that’s 16 slices for 17 people! Who didn’t manage to bag themselves a tiny sliver?

Obviously it depends on the people concerned and the pizza sizes but 9 adults and 8 kids is anything between 10 and 17 pizzas, surely? Maybe a bit less if you are providing a bucket of salad, and multiple tubs of coleslaw and loads of garlic breads.

I am traumatized reading this thread.

@JamieCannister and @PhuckTrump I know! It was a sliver and a half a slice of garlic bread. I don't know who she wasn't expecting to eat....

Basically it was a small canape each.

Food is Such a large part of socialising like this eg visiting people I can't imagine how some people survive.
Eating dinner even in awkward situations is the one small mercy and a glass of wine.
Not to have any of that !!

Because I love my sister and I understand that she's trying to keep her husband out of heart attack territory.

Because my ds is perfectly happy to retreat to his room for an hour for a snack and a session on his console or to read.

And it's no hardship.

I'm waiting for two big ops on sticks so DH is doing all the shopping. He buys himself tempting treats in the bakery. I have a yen for a kit kat, club biscuit sometimes. It's not something that enters his head, so I do without. I am loosing weight though 🙄

Fair enough, but honestly!!!

That was my late MIL and currently DH is the same

Your husband needs to speak up, instead of everyone being hungry.

Dm would always cook mountains of food. So the pils’ parsimony was a shock to me - the mean counting of potatoes and the holding-back of half a (small) joint for them to have later. Like other pps’ relatives, it turned out they had a small fortune sitting in the bank (every single penny of which went on care home fees - plus house).

Basically some people enjoy being mean.

One bottle of wine - ooh, you’re having all that

Hideous.

I'm sorry - but there is no way I would let my young children go hungry - so as not to cause offence.

Your DH is the problem here. He either sorts it, or visits change to a few hour pop in visits at most.

I don't understand how grandparents could sit there, knowing full well their grandchildren have not been fed properly.

By saying "we've booked an Airbnb". Do it first, tell them second. You don't need their permission. And if they really insist on an explanation, tell them. "You don't provide enough food for us and if we bring our own you take offence, this seemed like the answer". There's nothing that's going to fix this that doesn't involve you actually just telling them the truth, or just booking the Airbnb whatever they say.

Option 2: take your own food and respond cheerily to their reaction, whatever it is, with "Sorry Jean, but nice though your food is, it's just not enough for us young 'uns!". Then they'll change their ways or they won't, but either way you won't starve.

If you have spoken to them and there's no resolution, taking action is the only way forward. I personally wouldn't do a thing secretly. I would take action by having a food delivery. "Oh Bill and Barb, we thought we'd contribute by getting in some more food. You know, like treats we all love etc" When meals are served and there isn't enough say "oh Bill and Barb, I'll just get that 10ft chocolate gateau out of the fridge. That'll be a nice treat " At lunch time "oh Bill and Barb to save on you making lunch we thought we would all make our own sandwiches " this wouldn't be weird in my house but it may be too much of a break from normality! Offer your kids fruit, snacks, cake that you've had delivered. Before you go out together say to everyone "Don't forget to pick up a snack"
I feel your pain. We didn't have the same situation with my in-laws but it was around food. My husband tried to address it. He really did. My mother-in-law really couldn't see what she was doing. In the end we resolved not to go around for meals although we'd invite them to meals at our house. It took my mother in law about 2 years to clock it. When she asked why, my husband gently explained why, she totally denied that she did anything awkward.

@RisingSunn - I genuinely think some people forget how much food children (and younger adults) need. As their own appetite shrinks, they forget what is normal for younger people. But if they would get offended by being reminded/being told their grandkids were going hungry, that is unacceptable.

There's a problem with that, though @AxolotlEars . The OP started another thread about struggling financially, and asking the PIL for supermarket vouchers.
So that could be part of the problem.

Oops... sorry I missed that!

What the f@ck is that to do with it? Us struggling financially had nothing to do with my in-laws and then being tight and judgey with food. What a horrid post.

What the f@ck is that to do with it? Us struggling financially had nothing to do with my in-laws and then being tight and judgey with food. What a horrid post.

I'm sorry if I upset you, you seemed to be very open about your problems. I wonder why they don't provide more food when they know you're struggling? It just seems extra strange.

I'd just refuse to go until dh speaks with them and sorts it out. You could just order a supermarket delivery for shortly after you arrive.

I haven't seen the other thread (no idea how you do this) but based on this, do you think they do offer small portions because they want to ration you and think the reason you needed supermarket vouchers is because you eat too much?
It sounds like they are being ridiculous with what they offer, but I wonder if this also feeds into their notion that you are simply being greedy.

My BIL is very mean about food. BIL and SIL used to come to ours (uninvited) on frequent Sundays when our DCs were little. We struggled with money and had as much food as money after bills (rent etc) would buy. They would turn up just as I was dishing up lunch and would expect to eat with us. They both worked full time and no DC and never brought any contribution to the meal. So I eventually changed the meal time.

We were never asked to theirs for a meal. If we turned up unexpectedly we were stood on the doorstep. Not even a coffee or tea let alone a biscuit.

One Christmas we asked them to eat with us plus PIL. SIL asked what she could bring. I said mince pies. She brought one very small one each!

We were invited to their place for SILs birthday. Her parents were there and they told us that there wasn't enough cake for us, so not to take any!

Few years later BIL remarried. Brought new wife to ours. It was the same pattern. We have only ever eaten at BIL's 3 times in over 50 years of marriage.

I would choke on anything at his now!

Wow, you’re rude. She was replying to another poster who suggested you order in shopping and cake and puddings etc. But you obviously can’t afford to do that so those suggestions aren’t very helpful.

There is nothing wrong with struggling financially but it does make it harder for you to just order food in if you’ve not go the spare money, and then also your in laws might look at you curiously if you’ve asked them for money and then you buy take aways. Even though it’s their fault you need to order food in.

No one said there’s anything wrong with struggling and needing some help. It just makes “just order in” advice a little redundant.

We have this on the rare occasion we eat with my PIL. MIL will make a tiny jug of gravy for ten people and then get annoyed when it’s used up half way round the table. The one time I went for Xmas dinner they served me what could be described as a junior school dinner portion. It’s just utterly miserable.

They wouldn’t let people eat prawn crackers with the Chinese as apparently it filled everyone up. And half way through a meal she packed away a lazy Susan incase it got marked. She’d been given it by a family member.

Nutcase.