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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hobby tainted

488 replies

Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 15:20

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

OP posts:
Jellywife · 17/08/2025 16:42

InSpainTheRain · 17/08/2025 16:41

Sorry but you sound very dramatic OP. It's fairly usual to pick up and put down hobbies (I don't knit or crochet in summer for example as I prefer to do more walking, crafting is more for winter in my book). But are you sure you're not really obsessive about the hobby? Buying four of something if you haven't done it for a while is a bit over the space. Enjoy it, but don't obsess and pace yourself. It sounds to me that your family are used to your "full on" or "full off" approach and perhaps get a bit tired of it when it's full on?

Yeah but then you end up finishing a big blanket in March as it warms up- knit through summer on a lounger and in autumn you’ll have a nice stash of handmade beauties to look forward to!

MrsDoubtfire1 · 17/08/2025 16:43

Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 15:20

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

No. You do your thing and tell them to buzz orff! People in families like to mock other people. Don't let yourself be 'derailed' from your trainset!

Original poster
Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 16:43

TeenageRooster · 17/08/2025 16:37

Surely your teens have given up a hobby at some point and then gone back to it? It's fairly typical. How odd of them.

I would want to answer the next request for a non-urgent lift to a friend's house or similar with 'sorry, going to be deep in my embarrassing hobby, you'll have to get yourself there'.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently
Interesting. Did anything get said about his hobby?

I know! I missed the opportunity to make an acerbic comment about him returning from his hobby, and now it’s too late to pass it off as witty! 😩
I’m going to put on big girl pants and have a go back more convincingly.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 17/08/2025 16:43

Cadenza12 · 17/08/2025 15:31

I'd be more determined than ever. I've spent a lot of time and money on my hobby and come and go as I please. Keep at it.

This.

I wouldn't allow my DCs to talk to me like that without consequences - lifts somewhere, clothes washed. I'm sure you can think of some other forms of petty revenge to help them learn some manners.

Go and enjoy your hobby OP, and sod 'em.

MagicTape · 17/08/2025 16:45

I wonder if your emotional reaction to it is connected to a perception that middle aged women are embarrassing generally. With our weird hormones and bleedy bodies and mood swings and Karen tendencies and unwanted opinions and shrill voices. Middle aged women aren't supposed to have interesting inner lives and rich interests and things we care about that are not our homes and families. And I wonder whether it comes as a particularly huge disappointment to hear an echo of those views from your own family.

Original poster
Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 16:45

AntiBullshit · 17/08/2025 16:42

Do you tend to talk about your hobby when you interested in it - many people won’t share you enthusiasm or interest particularly if you drop it and then pick it up and then drop and so on.
Perhaps it’s time to just go about your hobby as and when you like without running commentary to anyone in ear shot. That why there’s no pressure and no family who are obviously fed up with said hobby chat

I do have form for articulating my enthusiasm. That’s good advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 16:47

MagicTape · 17/08/2025 16:45

I wonder if your emotional reaction to it is connected to a perception that middle aged women are embarrassing generally. With our weird hormones and bleedy bodies and mood swings and Karen tendencies and unwanted opinions and shrill voices. Middle aged women aren't supposed to have interesting inner lives and rich interests and things we care about that are not our homes and families. And I wonder whether it comes as a particularly huge disappointment to hear an echo of those views from your own family.

I don’t want that to be true… but I honestly think you’ve hit a few nails on heads there. The 30 year old me would not have allowed herself to be derailed.

OP posts:
Jamesblonde2 · 17/08/2025 16:48

What’s the cloak and dagger with the actual hobby? It’s an anonymous forum.

KateMiskin · 17/08/2025 16:50

Let me just say that at 16 my DD found me and my hobbies terribly embarassing. By 21 she thought I was very cool.
Do less for them and be far less available.

sussexman · 17/08/2025 16:50

Jamesblonde2 · 17/08/2025 16:48

What’s the cloak and dagger with the actual hobby? It’s an anonymous forum.

Bottles of Chianti? :)

LighthouseTeaCup · 17/08/2025 16:50

I don't get it!
Why do they care? You've said it's not a money issue, the hobby isn't expensive. Don't your loved ones want you to live a happy, fulfilled life?

How is your family life? Does having a hobby take you away from being your family's maid servant? Are you the only woman in the house? Is this misogyny? "Silly little Chianti and her silly little hobby"?

Why are you allowing them so much power over your leisure time and, more importantly, your feelings?

No idea what your hobby is, so... Go buy a crate full of trains and plant them in worm casting/coir/compost mix under grow lights in the living room, while knitting cosies for the plant pots from your self spun alpaca yarn. Then make sure to find time to create mini replicas of all of this in your dolls house, watched over by your hand painted reborn baby doll sat on your unicycle before you sit down to a nice game of wingspan while on a zoom call with your local WI.
And don't give your family's opinion on the matter a flying home made chocolate fudge cake

MayaPinion · 17/08/2025 16:51

It’s perfectly normal to pick up and put down hobbies. I’ve just picked up swimming again. I did it every day almost for 3 years, then just stopped - life, big work projects, a few winter illnesses, etc. - all got in the way and I didn’t have the time, focus, or energy to keep it up. I go through phases of reading all the books by an author or a genre and then reading nothing for months. At the moment I’m in my regency romance era (which is odd for me as I’m usually a crime thriller or modern fiction fan) and it’ll switch to something else at some point.

In your shoes I’d just say, ‘This is my hobby. I enjoy it, even if I’m not practicing it all the time. I like thinking about it, planning it, and reading about it. You can tease me as much as you like, but it won’t change anything. If you want to be useful, keep an eye out for x,y or z)’.

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 17/08/2025 16:51

I think the children’s ages are very relevant here. They are on the cusp of adulthood and I remember it with my own children and their friends. They try and communicate like they think adults do with each other and they frequently overshoot or miss the mark with their tone (what may have been considered cheeky or impertinent when younger). They’re testing their new freedom and skills and they had a prime target with you this morning, seemingly with the encouragement from dad unfortunately. I suspect it’s their tone and overly harsh seeming words that upset you, plus a grain of truth that you are a bit fickle with the passion for your hobby.

Just let it go, they’re testing their wings and boundaries like they did as young children. Or if you feel really strongly, tell them they upset you and that you feel it went past good natured ribbing and to watch their tone in the future. Enjoy your hobby - sounds harmless x

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/08/2025 16:53

Wait until the three of them are together and tell them to fuck off with their attitude and leave you in peace to enjoy your hobby.

Also, you come across as very apologetic about having a hobby and spending time on something that does not involve them. Stop that. You've got a right to do things you enjoy.

oviraptor21 · 17/08/2025 16:55

I'd go the opposite way OP. I'd do my hobby more, not less, especially as it's one that seems to cause them a little inconvenience while you make a mess for a couple of hours. And when they complain I'd explain that for every time they complain or denigrate your hobby, you are going to do it for longer. Maybe delaying things that they want like meal times.
Perhaps then they'll learn to leave you in peace with your hobby.

MounjaroMounjaro · 17/08/2025 16:55

So they can have hobbies and you can't? Why would they think you're going to have the same hobbies as a middle aged man and a couple of teenagers? You have a cheap hobby - I bet it's a hell of a lot cheaper than theirs. They don't have to spend any time on your hobby but I bet you cook while your husband's out cycling and take your teenagers to their hobbies. They are bullying you and it's not nice at all.

GenieGenealogy · 17/08/2025 16:56

My kids are constantly teasing me about how much yarn I have. Don't give two hoots.

Honeyandwine · 17/08/2025 17:00

Fish keeping? You trade your pets? 😥

DancefloorAcrobatics · 17/08/2025 17:01

Just enjoy your hobby!

I have a very time consuming hobby and have the odd disagreement with DH, DC (15 & 20) like to chip in because 2x training a week plus weekend competitions take up too much time.

🤷🏽‍♀️ not bothered! It's my time now after spending years of supporting their hobbies. Ok I still support the 15yo but the other 2 are adults and can sort themselves out.

Anyahyacinth · 17/08/2025 17:01

Gymnopediegivesmethewillies · 17/08/2025 16:51

I think the children’s ages are very relevant here. They are on the cusp of adulthood and I remember it with my own children and their friends. They try and communicate like they think adults do with each other and they frequently overshoot or miss the mark with their tone (what may have been considered cheeky or impertinent when younger). They’re testing their new freedom and skills and they had a prime target with you this morning, seemingly with the encouragement from dad unfortunately. I suspect it’s their tone and overly harsh seeming words that upset you, plus a grain of truth that you are a bit fickle with the passion for your hobby.

Just let it go, they’re testing their wings and boundaries like they did as young children. Or if you feel really strongly, tell them they upset you and that you feel it went past good natured ribbing and to watch their tone in the future. Enjoy your hobby - sounds harmless x

This

Suspect too they were trying to be 'bantering' but we're just a bit unkind...which hurt..who wants to be teased like that...it's a tedious type of humour.
Do as you please OP and react clearly to any disrespect toward you as an autonomous person from now on...wife and Mum.but SO much more too 💐💐💐💐

Notfairisit · 17/08/2025 17:03

Is it dolls houses?

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 17/08/2025 17:04

I don’t follow. the op has eventually commented “fishkeeping” but I don’t if she means this is the hobby. but how would you start and stop so often? looked after correctly fish live a long time. also it isn’t a cheap “hobby” (personally disagree that looking after living creatures is a hobby). the fish can be cheap but equipment, foods, treatments are pricy. Also doesn’t explain the exchange comment as no repretable fish shop should be allowing that.

SpidersAreShitheads · 17/08/2025 17:05

MagicTape · 17/08/2025 16:45

I wonder if your emotional reaction to it is connected to a perception that middle aged women are embarrassing generally. With our weird hormones and bleedy bodies and mood swings and Karen tendencies and unwanted opinions and shrill voices. Middle aged women aren't supposed to have interesting inner lives and rich interests and things we care about that are not our homes and families. And I wonder whether it comes as a particularly huge disappointment to hear an echo of those views from your own family.

I actually was thinking something very similar.

Do you feel as if you’re not allowed to spend money on yourself OP? Do you feel as if they’ve made you feel ashamed? No because your DH is actually stopping or controlling you but because spending on yourself is somehow frivolous and not the done thing.

Do they just view you as “mum” and “wife” and get irritated when you dare to have interests of your own?

Fo you feel that you somehow need their permission and approval to enjoy yourself?

FWIW, I’m autistic and have ADHD. That means I have some hobbies that I’m utterly fixated on and others that are my new favourite thing for a month, never to be seen again 😂

Having hobbies is great. If it’s something that brings you joy, that’s wonderful. It doesn’t matter how long you do it for, nor whether you float in and out of it. It doesn’t sound as if you’re bankrupting the family - don’t feel as if you should feel ashamed or embarrassed.

As women we often get all caught up in feeling as if we shouldn’t do things that are just for us. As if there’s shame attached to treating yourself. As if our very existence should revolve around others.

Fuck all of that.

I hope you’re still planning on buying your four “trains”!! Feel free to pm me if you want to talk to someone about your hobby - I’ll have either done it myself at one time or it’ll be great to hear about something new!!

Buy the trains. Actually, buy five. And then run around the house making train noises just to annoy them all even more!! 😂💐

Nonbio46 · 17/08/2025 17:08

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 17/08/2025 15:39

Why do people on here never say what the 'hobby' is?
How many niche hobbies are there that are that identifiable?

I know! It does my head in. 😠

queenMab99 · 17/08/2025 17:08

They need to mind their own business. They are older and do not need your constant attention, it's good to have something that you do for yourself now you have the time. Ignore them. It's up to you how you enjoy your hobby, it doesn't have to be an enforced slog, it's is worth doing even if you enjoy it intermittently.

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