Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

I give up.

I think this is truly the worst thread for it that I have ever come across

Oh dear god.

Maybe MNHQ need to edit the thread title to just read FISHKEEPING. THE HOBBY IS FISHKEEPING

Well you can tell them to piss off to their rooms during that two hours if they don't like it. Remind them you're a grown woman and you don't, under any circumstances, want or need their permission to enjoy your own hobby in your own home.

Mumsnet police to the fore 🫡
Some of us work and don’t read through pages of replies. If she had said fish keeping in the OP, I’d imagine many would not have bothered responding, myself included. And it may even explain the family’s response because some people just don’t like fish.

All you need to do is click on the " Read all posts by OP" button. No need to read 20 pages.

Instead of raising your blood pressure unnecessarily, if you see a repeated response, it is clearly not visible to everyone.

i suggest the whole post and thread is tainted because of the way it was written originally.

If op decides to inflict fish on her family, expect any response they give 🍤

Well it’s a power grab. What you deserve is respect. No wonder you are shocked. I have adult children it seems essential that they belittle you to bolster themselves. Part of the cruel way of separation. They’re trying to put you in your place .. downwards. Husband is just enjoying it because he wouldn’t dare.
you’re going to have to take it on the chin, know what it is and carry on. They think they are liberated from you by this mockery and defiance. Just agree with them and buy more. I think your hobby sounds delightful. Caring after other species is an honor and joy. Though the cleaning out just sounds like a bit more housework. All power to you and your fish. You could say to them that you’re sorry it might sometimes inconvenience them but you just love it despite everything, like you love them.

Caring after other species is an honor and joy.

Right up to the point you get bored and put them on Ebay!

Maybe not, but as humans we can see the bigger picture.

You think it's delightful to buy fish, get bored of them and sell them to random strangers on eBay?

Ah, I was on your side, but now you’ve lost me.
Creatures should not be kept in captivity ☹️

Hobby comes and goes; starts and stops. What’s the big deal? Just ignore them and enjoy your hobby. Tell them you don’t need their judgment nor commentary.

oh just read it’s about fishkeeping. Well, that changes the perspective slightly …

Front them out. Get them all together, at a table, quietly, and say you are sad and upset about the situation. Say calmly what you think happened. Ask them if they think that is what happened. Don't ask (yet) 'Do you think that's fair?' or "How would you feel if....?" Instead, say how you feel, because this IS about how you feel. Then say that as it's obviously completely ok to gang up in public to make you feel sad and upset, that in future if they want your support, or silence, or acquiescence for anything at all, they are going to need to explain why it's a one-way street.

This isn't about hobbies or trains. It's about behaving as if they're the school bully, your home is a school playground and you're the new kid on the first day of term. Tell them this is not acceptable and do not settle for 'it's just a joke/you're over-reacting.' Nobody gets to tell someone else how they 'should' react to something someone else does.

Personally, I'd stop any co-operation with any of them, getting food, driving any of them anywhere or anything else, until they've apologised and explained how they think you felt as a result of their behaviour.

Your family suggested it has 'taken over' at some points previously? They may, or may not, have been blowing that out of proportion, but what would you think they meant by that?

You have pulled right back to the point of not having the responsibility for the hobby/ fish, but it's not clear what your motivation was - is it due to it having strong elements that don't make things easy with holidays, other people looking after the fish, space, costs compared to 'rewarding bits' for you?

I also fall into the camp of fish being pets, and ones that can be quite long-lived if they are healthy, only crossing over with the hobby category.

Oh get out of here, I clearly didn't see it was fish and nowhere did I mention discarding anything. Stop with your virtue signalling.

Stop virtue signalling. As I mentioned trains I clearly didn't see the fish post.....I don't live on here! Did the op say she discard them?

So she gets them and kills them when she's had enough? I haven't seen that post. I was still going with the trains as I didnt know she'd disclosed it was fish. I thought was obvious from my post but clearly not.

It’s not natures way to let them die in tank, we do our best to imitated a tank but that is what it is a tank and unnatural.

there’s nothing wrong with taking babies you didn’t deliberately breed or fish that aren’t getting on with others. What is unethical is buying a pet/tank filling with fish then getting bored and getting rid, repeatedly knowing that’s what’s likely to happen

She keeps them, looks after them, and the local fish shop do swaps, as do other people in her area, it seems quite common. No one has said she kills them!

Well at least when you inevitably lose interest in it again Op (for the 4th time? 5th time?) you can give the utterly fabricated excuse to your family that you felt they didn’t support it. When in actual fact it was you losing interest in it. Again!

If op sells the tanks as well that is a massive monetary loss each time as well, as tanks never sell for even near half the price you buy them for and you also have to chuck in all the filter etc to sweeten the deal

Interesting that OP hasn’t come back.

Perhaps she got bored of the thread and exchanged us for another one.