Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

I think this level of upset is because it’s criticism from your children. After years of buying them toy cars or my little ponies, or Pokémon cards or whatever pointless rubbish they like, and being very politely interested in dinosaur facts, or harry styles, paying for ridiculous haircuts, how rude to not give you the same consideration!!
ingrates!

Are you taxidermying mice. I hear that has growing popularity as a hobby.

How do you swap a Fish?!

I used to knit. Now I think my hobby is mostly collecting pretty balls of wool that I may one day use. Was their mocking along those lines? Was it fair or unfair? Does it matter what they think?

Ah I remember that wonderful thead about an annoying man at someone's hobby group, and the harpies yowled and yowled about not being told what the hobby was and how it couldn't be that unusual and the OP was just being precious... and it turned out to be a group dedicated to playing the work of one specific Baroque composer on period correct instruments. The harpies grudgingly admitted that ok yes, this one time, that was probably outing.

I really hope the OP's hobby is something like that.

I pick up, drop, and pick up again a range of hobbies but I can’t figure out how you pick up and drop fishkeeping?

I keep a cat and I can’t really ignore her for months at a time like I do with my guitar.

I replayed to a message saying what it was about 45 minutes ago 🤣

What hapoens to your fish when you lose interest?

I take them back to the local fish shop; they happily take them and will sometimes offer pest snails in return (for the carnivorous beaked fish).
it’s brilliant!

I’ve given some away on eBay and Gumtree, I take them to my local fish shop who will often donate something in return… there’s quite a community out there

So the hobby is fishkeeping.

How do you pick it up and drop it? Are there months when the fish just swim around happily, then other months when you’re changing the tank, going to fairs, stuff like that?

Do they die because you’re neglectful? Do you sell them?

What does the two hour sessions involve? Taking over the dining table?

I need these answers.

My general thoughts are you enjoy your hobbies as much or as little as you want to, and whenever you want to. But why do your family respond like this?

My family are like this about my hobby. In fact they usually groan when I talk about it. Always the object of fun for everyone. But I love it and take absolutely no notice. If ever they go too far (or more likely I am feeling particularly sensitive about it) I tell them seriously how important it is so me and have been doing it long before I had children or even met my husband. And them they shut up. And even buy me the equivalent of "your trains" for Christmas!

@TheArtfulNavyDreamer 😂😂

I'd get a large shark. Or an octopus. Or piranhas

I don’t neglect them at all - they are always very happy! We’re talking buying reverse osmosis water for the ones who like acidic water, feeding steak and prawn to the carnivores… My local fish shop is brilliant and will take back fish if my interest gradually wanes.

The tank cleaning, 30% water changes, measuring the water parameters (ph, nitrates etc), filter cleaning… those are the sort of shenanigans that take the time and make the mess.

It is a brilliant hobby. I had a huge tank once, though, and this is what my DH and DCs are remembering and (it feels) resenting me over. I have told them the size of the next aquarium though, but they don’t listen. They’re not interested, which is fine, but then they suddenly all were this morning, and full of disdain, hence my thread.

In your shoes, I would be telling DC in no uncertain terms that you'll spend money on what you enjoy and they can lump it. When they earn money and support themselves, they will spend their income as they see fit. Unless you are taking food out of their mouths and clothes off their back, they can should suck it up. And DH should have been supporting you.

I was so thinking this!

What these two said ^

I'd be tempted to say something like 'If I made a pie chart of the time I have spent/do spend on stuff for the whole family and the time I spend on stuff for me you'd see that mocking me about it is a total dick move. Stop trying to make my life smaller, and don't dare say you're only joking. Mention it like that again and I'll just start dropping some of the favours I do for you lot. Fucking playground bullies.'

Kinda thing. (Love tropicals and marines but cba to have my own).

Struggling to see the issue. The only way you can prevent them going on is to remain consistent and keep up the hobby. Otherwise just laugh it off! It isn’t that deep.

My guess is taxidermy. Roadkill over every table, dressed in waistcoats and wearing monocles.

It sounds like to me that you perceived that your family was trying to shame you, whether that was their actual intention or not it triggered some sort of deep shame from your own childhood around your interests and hobbies.

From what you've described it does sound like sharks circling as they smell blood - your vulnerability - and this is the last thing you expect from your family.

I have found that older teens can know us so well and seem to go in for the jugular so fucking effectively, for no apparent reason! There's safety in numbers, it's a weird dynamic and not nice to be on the receiving end.

The best thing to do is rise above it and don't take it personally, shake it off like water off a duck's back and do what makes you happy with your hobby.

@MrTiddlesTheCat Ahh you beat me to it! 😅

It really is fishkeeping? I thought you were joking!

So you play around with live animals until you get bored with them?

That might just explain why your family are pissy

But seriously, who swaps fish like Pokemon cards and takes 2 hours making a mess?

Yes, because the 2 options here are of course only that they a) belittle me or b) kiss my feet. There’s no middle ground of tolerance and respectful regard in your world, is there.
Read up on flawed logic - it’s fascinating.