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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hobby tainted

488 replies

Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 15:20

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/08/2025 19:06

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2025 18:31

I actually can't believe the amount of people here supporting the OP! Is it because some people seem them as "just fish"? Bet it would be different if it was dogs!

Edited

It's because OP is female. If this was a bloke discarding live animals on a whim, people would be calling him an animal abuser.

sunshine244 · 18/08/2025 19:07

My AuDHD son is like this with hobbies - totally obsessed and doesn't shut up about something for a few months then totally gets dropped for something else (often coming back again). The non stop enthusiasm when he gets started on a new hobby is pretty overwhelming.

However, I'd say you are highly unreasonable to have fish keeping as a hobby like this. Living animals shouldn't be punted back and forward as a whim like that. To compare it with train collecting is totally misleading.

Hidihisew · 18/08/2025 19:08

Rescuedog12 · 18/08/2025 18:55

Not when it's living creatures.

Show quote history

Obviously I didn't mean pets, I would not even class a pet as a hobby, ( a lifetime responsibility and duty of care)a totally different ball game

Imisscoffee2021 · 18/08/2025 19:08

It seems very strange to enjoy creating the perfect environment for the fish, and feeding them a perfect diet, then giving them back or passing them on. If you really boil down to the essentials, your enjoyment isn't in providing the fish with a good home for their life span, its in the crafting and maintenance of the aquatics. Alot of people might not balk at the idea because fish are often treated as less than in the let's world, or devoid of complex awareness, but they're living creatures nonetheless.

I can see why your family weren't happy about it tbh. Of course the local shop takes them back, they can resell them. But as you know as you create set ups, it's not as simple as chucking fish back in a tank (or if they do do that then that's even worse, poor fish essentially reduced to playthings!) If you'd kept them and been a fish hobbyist and your hobby was making their environment better and bigger with plants etc, then that would be an example of an acceptable fish keeling hobby, it sounds like your family object to the pick up out down element. As any humane person would?

Louisa58 · 18/08/2025 19:09

Louisa58 · 18/08/2025 18:08

This. Ignore the detractors !

Show quote history

Change of mind. Didn’t realise this was related to live animals. Far from keen on
animals being bred outside of professionally run and accredited pet breeders. I would never buy a pet via social media or online marketplaces !!

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 19:10

Imisscoffee2021 · 18/08/2025 19:08

It seems very strange to enjoy creating the perfect environment for the fish, and feeding them a perfect diet, then giving them back or passing them on. If you really boil down to the essentials, your enjoyment isn't in providing the fish with a good home for their life span, its in the crafting and maintenance of the aquatics. Alot of people might not balk at the idea because fish are often treated as less than in the let's world, or devoid of complex awareness, but they're living creatures nonetheless.

I can see why your family weren't happy about it tbh. Of course the local shop takes them back, they can resell them. But as you know as you create set ups, it's not as simple as chucking fish back in a tank (or if they do do that then that's even worse, poor fish essentially reduced to playthings!) If you'd kept them and been a fish hobbyist and your hobby was making their environment better and bigger with plants etc, then that would be an example of an acceptable fish keeling hobby, it sounds like your family object to the pick up out down element. As any humane person would?

Edited

Maybe op could just cultivate aquatic plants and sell on? Prob a good income stream!

Louisa58 · 18/08/2025 19:11

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2025 18:29

You think getting, using and giving away live animals when you get bored is nice behaviour?

Show quote history

No !! Had no idea hobby was related to live animals. Thanks for alerting me. Have now added my thoughts!

Hidihisew · 18/08/2025 19:13

Hidihisew · 18/08/2025 19:08

Obviously I didn't mean pets, I would not even class a pet as a hobby, ( a lifetime responsibility and duty of care)a totally different ball game

Show quote history

Have just read more responses, I too hadn't realised the hobby was fish, oppology to rescue dog, now I see why you posted

Imisscoffee2021 · 18/08/2025 19:13

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 19:10

Maybe op could just cultivate aquatic plants and sell on? Prob a good income stream!

Show quote history

Yeah something like that seems to be a good way to divert the interest of this hobby without involving fish being purchased and sent back, or giving away.

Jacopo · 18/08/2025 19:20

She’s not just “discarding” the fish as someone upthread has described it. She either finds them a new owner or takes them back to the pet shop where no doubt they will get a new owner. Is anyone seriously suggesting that fish have feelings to the extent they will have bonded with her and be sad that they are now in a different fish tank in someone’s else’s home?
I am strongly pro animal rights but I think these fish will be ok as long as they have appropriate food and clean water in a nice tank. They are not going to be swimming round and round saying we miss OP! take us back to OP! OP was the best!
Totally different scenario from adopting a puppy, bonding with it, then sending it back to the shelter. That’s cruel, and that’s what’s meant by “discarding”.

NimbleDreamer · 18/08/2025 19:22

Fish aren't a hobby to be picked up and dropped when you get bored of them. They are living things and it's cruel to just get rid of them when you lose interest. I can understand your family's concerns.

As someone who is autistic I honestly think you need to have an ASD/ADHD assessment.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/08/2025 19:23

Jacopo · 18/08/2025 19:20

She’s not just “discarding” the fish as someone upthread has described it. She either finds them a new owner or takes them back to the pet shop where no doubt they will get a new owner. Is anyone seriously suggesting that fish have feelings to the extent they will have bonded with her and be sad that they are now in a different fish tank in someone’s else’s home?
I am strongly pro animal rights but I think these fish will be ok as long as they have appropriate food and clean water in a nice tank. They are not going to be swimming round and round saying we miss OP! take us back to OP! OP was the best!
Totally different scenario from adopting a puppy, bonding with it, then sending it back to the shelter. That’s cruel, and that’s what’s meant by “discarding”.

Yes, she absolutely is discarding them. They may not miss her in the same way as a dog or a cat, but she's still buying live animals, "playing" with them for a while and then getting rid of them when she loses interest.

Why not just grow plants or something instead? Why buy and discard live animals on a repeat cycle?

NoThanksNeeded · 18/08/2025 19:24

Mewling · 18/08/2025 17:09

I assume OP hasn’t been back since people raised the issue of animal cruelty?

Of course not

Any sympathy she had for her family being cruel was lost when it became clear she was treating live animals like toys to discard

I expect that's the real reason she was so cagey and making poor analogies to buying trains and trading Pokemon cards

Jacopo · 18/08/2025 19:25

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/08/2025 19:23

Yes, she absolutely is discarding them. They may not miss her in the same way as a dog or a cat, but she's still buying live animals, "playing" with them for a while and then getting rid of them when she loses interest.

Why not just grow plants or something instead? Why buy and discard live animals on a repeat cycle?

Show quote history

Your solution seems a bit cruel to plants.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/08/2025 19:27

Jacopo · 18/08/2025 19:25

Your solution seems a bit cruel to plants.

Show quote history

I know you think you're being clever, but really, you just sound silly.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/08/2025 19:28

NoThanksNeeded · 18/08/2025 19:24

Of course not

Any sympathy she had for her family being cruel was lost when it became clear she was treating live animals like toys to discard

I expect that's the real reason she was so cagey and making poor analogies to buying trains and trading Pokemon cards

Show quote history

Exactly.

NoThanksNeeded · 18/08/2025 19:28

Jacopo · 18/08/2025 19:20

She’s not just “discarding” the fish as someone upthread has described it. She either finds them a new owner or takes them back to the pet shop where no doubt they will get a new owner. Is anyone seriously suggesting that fish have feelings to the extent they will have bonded with her and be sad that they are now in a different fish tank in someone’s else’s home?
I am strongly pro animal rights but I think these fish will be ok as long as they have appropriate food and clean water in a nice tank. They are not going to be swimming round and round saying we miss OP! take us back to OP! OP was the best!
Totally different scenario from adopting a puppy, bonding with it, then sending it back to the shelter. That’s cruel, and that’s what’s meant by “discarding”.

She's giving them away on Ebay, which you aren't supposed to do, and Gumtree. Who knows what people are actually buying them from there.

And taking them back to the shop will unsettle them. Sure they're "just fish" but they will still be aware of changes in water and light etc. It might still shorten their life span

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2025 19:29

HappiestWhenGardening · 18/08/2025 18:38

This is such a weird thread.
what ON EARTH is this hobby??? If the op would just fess up we could give a sensible answer …

It's fishkeeping. Then she gets bored and gives them away to randoms on Gumtree etc. And then starts it all over again

Veryxonfused · 18/08/2025 19:31

you sound like a wet lettuce, get a grip

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/08/2025 19:32

NoThanksNeeded · 18/08/2025 19:28

She's giving them away on Ebay, which you aren't supposed to do, and Gumtree. Who knows what people are actually buying them from there.

And taking them back to the shop will unsettle them. Sure they're "just fish" but they will still be aware of changes in water and light etc. It might still shorten their life span

Show quote history

Ah but according to PP it's fine to just dump them because it's not like they're puppies...

NimbleDreamer · 18/08/2025 19:32

My dad has aspergers and his special interest is comics which he has collected for decades. It used to really drive me up the wall as sometimes there would be so many in the house that he would keep them in my bedroom despite my protestations. When he was hyperfocused on it then nothing else mattered and I don't think ND people who have these intense interests realise how it can affect family members. It is more than just a "hobby". It can also be equally stressful when the ND person loses interest. I remember having to help him load boxes and boxes of comics into the car and go with him to help him sell them at fairs when he'd lose interest and be surrounded by weird men when I was a child/teenager.

At least in my dad's case these were comics and not living creatures like fish. I would have been very upset if he repeatedly got rid of pets when he was suddenly bored of them, and then a few months later be hyperfocusing about fish again only for it to not last and then they'd be discarded again.

Perhaps get an AuDHD assessment and find a more ethical outlet for your ND special interests.

PinkyFlamingo · 18/08/2025 19:33

Jacopo · 18/08/2025 19:20

She’s not just “discarding” the fish as someone upthread has described it. She either finds them a new owner or takes them back to the pet shop where no doubt they will get a new owner. Is anyone seriously suggesting that fish have feelings to the extent they will have bonded with her and be sad that they are now in a different fish tank in someone’s else’s home?
I am strongly pro animal rights but I think these fish will be ok as long as they have appropriate food and clean water in a nice tank. They are not going to be swimming round and round saying we miss OP! take us back to OP! OP was the best!
Totally different scenario from adopting a puppy, bonding with it, then sending it back to the shelter. That’s cruel, and that’s what’s meant by “discarding”.

She is discarding them! Nooone is saying they are attached to her but giving them away on eBay and Gumtree to random people who could be doing anything with them is discarding them clearly. Plus she thinks this is 'brilliant". 🙄🙄

ttcat37 · 18/08/2025 19:33

I was on your side until you disclosed that it was live animals. I suspect their issue is that you just lose interest in pets, give them all away, and then when you fancy it just buy some more. That’s an unattractive quality that they probably don’t enjoy seeing. If you were my family I would lose respect for you every time you did it.
And I suspect you know full well that it’s not really ok and that’s why you made a very poor analogy likening it to pokemon cards (nothing like it) and have now disappeared.

Munkyfuzzable · 18/08/2025 19:34

Nicechianti · 17/08/2025 15:20

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

Spend more time on your hobby! If they have a problem, tell them your trains don’t make fun of you and leave it at that.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 18/08/2025 19:36

Munkyfuzzable · 18/08/2025 19:34

Spend more time on your hobby! If they have a problem, tell them your trains don’t make fun of you and leave it at that.

Show quote history

I think you need to RTFT. OP's "hobby" is keeping fish, getting rid of them when she gets bored, then buying more a few months later.