Hobby tainted

[Nicechianti]

I have an on and off hobby that is now on again. My DH and DCs were fairly contemptuous about it this morning. They reminded me of all the times I’d given up said hobby, mocked my tendency to carried away with it when I’m enjoying it, and made me feel really shit about it. An example (I’ll use train sets) was when DC showed indignation that I was planning to buy 4 trains for my train set instead of 1. DH, who knew I was planning to buy 4 trains, remained silent instead of diffusing the situation by explaining, “O, yes, NiceChianti and I had discussed this and I knew she was going to buy 4.” He seemed to enjoy the challenge they were putting up and how it gathered strength.

I felt horrible throughout this. “You can’t blame us,” was their common statement, as I tend to drop in and out of the hobby, but I explained that this was true of many people, and for many hobbies. DH had bought me a train for my birthday last month so I thought he was supportive - it’s all very confusing. I explained that my hobby doesn’t take me away from them - it’s not like I go cycling every Sunday, for example, but they just continued in this attack. DH started listing times he had been asked to fix one of my trains (twice), how I always returned trains to the shop for exchanges (several times), how he was worried it would take over again (I had already promised not to get more than the 4 trains), my DC were joining in, and now my hobby is completely tainted.

DH then left to do his hobby for a couple of hours, and returned saying he could have handled it differently, but I am shell shocked and sad. I don’t want to do anything to do with my hobby now, and I am still reeling from their united, emphatic, contemptuous front.
Keeping and maintaining and building a train set is a good analogy - my hobby is nothing weird or extreme, and plenty of people do it.

Do I stop it (YABU) or carry on (YANBU)?

It doesn't sound like OP's family had a problem with her treatment of the fish - they were rude/obnoxious about her having a hobby, not about what the hobby actually is.

I have, at different times, had hobbies that gave me huge pleasure, but I later dropped, I then started some up again.
Knitting, embroidery, beekeeping, growing obscure tropical plants from seed, alpine gardens, long distance trail running, white water kayaking... there are others. DC get that the "point" is to enjoy it, not to be better than someone else, compete at a certain level, or whatever. So they try new things, and dont get too hung up on pursuing only the things they can be The Best at.

OP, next time they piss on your chips, don't engage. Tell them "it doesn't impact you if I do something I love, so drop it".

Curious. I keep fish. The first tank of fish was an unexpected gift. I kept buying tanks because they keep having babies. My son has one tank , my other son a second and I now have the third, newest biggest tank. It’s getting overfilled with babies again and I cannot keep buying more tanks . They’re obviously healthy or they would not breed. It’s something I didn’t anticipate in these numbers.

Are you saying I can’t give them to a pet shop or offer them to other fish keepers? Both obviously cruel options, you say..and putting them in a new tank is the same for them as going to a pet shop, or other fish keepers. So do I leave them and let them die back to what the tank can support, which is natures way, but will stress all the fish as that’s how the weakest are found , or a quick death just taking them out and killing them? I was going to offer them free to locals but that’s going to be as bad as the pet shop option you vilify.

They all sound unkind although I can imagine it might have started as a bit of banter and escalated (having experienced that). It’s as though they get competitive with each other, the DCs and DH and actually lose sight of the topic the banter is about and the person on the receiving end.

Tell them they’ve been unpleasant and you’re going to start over with a ‘new’ family.

Then buy some re-born dolls and wander round the house nursing them and calling them your perfect children.

Tell DH that with this new family, you’ve chosen to go solo and make him pay maintenance and co-parent 50/50.

Threaten to take your perfect little babies to parent’s evening, to collect and drop-off your DCs at activities and tell DH he also has to do this when it’s his week.

The above will make fish keeping look much more appealing.

The above also sounds quite fun and I realise I’ve got carried away (secretly I’d LOVE one of the re-born dolls, but no one would understand why and would mercilessly ‘rib’ me)

edited for typo

I think you need to talk to a therapist- none of what you have said sounds in the normal range to me.

What? Lord give me strength.

I think YABU purely because it's fishkeeping.

Living creatures FFS, how cruel to take them back and forth to the local shop just because you lose interest in looking after them.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Okay, aside from the fact that i want to know the hobby now.....

I get it. I'm queen of crafty hobbies, and I am constantly dropping and picking up one or other of them. It's a bit of an imposition on dh only in terms of storage space for all the supplies, and possibly money spent. I'm grateful he doesn't make a thing of it.

However, I get the dynamic of this, because I have had to challenge my family on this. It's the patriarchy and the belittling nature of the attack, which no man will ever experience. Male hobbies are respected, female hobbies are belittled and patronised.

The underlying resentment is that your time is suddenly devoted to your own stuff not theirs. Because obviously, as a mum, your main purpose to them is that of service. You're not respected as a person with equivalent rights.

And the 'teasing' is in fact a very subtle form of bullying, dressed up as "only joking".

I have put up with this before and I recognise it.

@anon666

”See All”

@anon666 it's fish-swapping.

I have fish, but they aren’t a hobby they are my pets. I’ve never heard of anyone swapping fish as a hobby.

This sounds upsetting frankly. You’re getting no four fish and plan to swap them and give them away when you get bored of them?

This is so so sad.

Why would you not just separate males from the females?

I'd suspect the treatment of the fish was what was underneath the concerns though. The OP said that her children are normally lovely and this came as a surprise to her.
I think it mirrors what occurred on this thread - everyone was very supportive of the OP until it was revealed that the hobby was fish keeping - and then it felt off to many. Possibly the OP's children also think the dipping in and out when it involves live creatures (even if they are 'only fish') is a bit off and hence there unexpected and out of character reaction to her starting again.

OP, as someone who also has a tendency to cycle through obsessed over niche interests and hobbies, I was 100% on your side until you revealed it was fish keeping. Sorry, this is not to say you shouldn't have been transparent, it’s great that you have been.

These are living things. Your teens may not be able to articulate this, but possibly subconsciously they are angry at the concept of trading back and forth/giving away actual living beings when you ‘get bored’?

I doubt OP will come back to this thread now.

Busy packaging up her recently bought fish to return to the pet store or off load on gumtree

Dear OP,
I got bored and stopped reading your post and skipped to last couple of lines. Two thoughts occurred, firstly; you do have some issues yourself about your hobby because if “loads of people do it”, just say what it is. Secondly, your DH and DC are picking up on something in you about this hobby and attacking that. You clearly do not feel “justified” in your hobby because you are going to such lengths here to justify it. Have you left some information out?

May I suggest posters click on ' Read all posts' to see OP's updates on what the hobby is? It's keeping fish.

Ok, what I’m getting from this, as you say it’s cheap, but it’s messy while you’re doing it, so this hobby isn’t something you’re doing on your own, in the back room out of the way.
my understanding is, your overtaking one on the main areas of the house to do this hobby, which they see as inconsiderate.
so if your partner is ribbing you along with the kids then turn the tables on him whilst he’s there, and suggest he get you a fully equipped shed at the bottom of the garden, or you move.
or, the kids can bunk up and you can have one of their rooms. It really is quite easy to shut people up, especially when it’s your house and you can do what you like in your own home. You should say, they should be thankful you’re not into nude cleaning.

Ive got to say OP, I was all for you until I saw your hobby was fishkeeping!
My DF was an avid (read obsessive🙄) fish keeper and I hated it so much. We would always dread the bigger and bigger tanks arriving and being dragged to so many Aquarists every weekend as children. It took over our lives and I HATE fish! Absolutely terrified of them and water in general.

When my DF got a new fish tank a few years ago following an huge medical trauma, we all gave him some heavy ribbing (but we weren't actually joking! My DM was dreading it) because he goes over the top so we made him promise to only get one small tank which he's stuck to. So im half and half. I originally voted YANBU but when I saw FK, I wished I could change it 😂

That aside, I wouldn't accept being spoken to in the way you've described by my DC, I would be sitting them down and explaining that whilst they can have an opinion and voice it if appropriate, the way they spoke to you wasn't acceptable and explain why.

The fact you won't name the hobby makes me think it's something you are a little embarrassed about? And perhaps they are too??
You need to reflect on why they DO care so much, and then carry on if you enjoy it, with changes if possible to address their issues.
And talk to them about how hurt you felt. They probably don't realise.

OK so it's fishkeeping! Well you need to understand what issues they have with that. Honestly.

if this is the actual hobby then I’m calling bullshit on the cheapness of the hobby, as a fellow fish keeper. There are so many more expenses, space taken up and a lot of work to keep on top of and do properly

OK so it's fishkeeping! Well you need to understand what issues they have with that. Honestly.

Well, no. If OP's family have an issue with it, they need to explain it.

You're "absolutely terrified" of water? What do you do about washing and drinking?

I assume she means bodies of water and the concept of drowning in the sea or lake rather than tap water!

I can't answer without knowing your hobby.