To ask DH to put some inheritance towards a holiday?

[IndieRocknRoll]

DH’s father passed away a few months ago.
He’s set to inherit around 80k. This hasn’t been discussed at all between us, however, eventually I asked him directly what he plans to do with the money and he said invest it. Fair enough. It’s his money.
WIBU to ask him to put a small portion towards a family holiday? I’d love to take the DC to Florida before our eldest leaves home. It’s not something we’d ordinarily be able to afford.
For context, over the years I’ve had a few small inheritances totalling around 8k which I’ve used for family holidays or paid into our joint account. My parents and grandparents are very generous by nature and have gifted us money for a house deposit, wedding etc, taken us on holidays, loaned money for home improvements, given cash gifts at Christmas, whereas his parents were really quite frugal. We come from families that despite having similar incomes, have very different attitudes to money and it’s reflected in our own outlooks on money I think!
I kind of feel that he’s benefitted considerably over the years from the generosity of my wider family so AIBU to ask him to use some of this money to pay towards a family holiday or is it a bit grabby?!

I dont think you would be unreasonable to ask, but equally he wouldnt be unreasonable to say no.

if you have a mortgage, the best thing to do is to either pay some early if you dont have any fees or little amount of fees for doing so, or investing the money for your future. The future is very uncertain with house prices, jobs, wars etc.
i would love to take my kids to florida too, but thats at least 15/17k£ for a family of 5 (ny sister is just back from 2,5 weeks there) including spending money.

so yes ask if you dint need the cash for anything else, but dont be cross if he says no.
nobody NEEDS a holiday in Florida.

I'm in the same position as him except I see my inheritance as mine and my DH's money, just as he's always seen it as our money when his family have been generous.

Your situation is different, but I don't think that means you can't suggest the holiday.

You aren't being unreasonable. If your small inheritances and your parents' generous cash gifts were shared and spent on stuff that benefitted you both, he should do the same with his.

You should ask. Especially seeing as you’ve put the small inheritance amounts you’ve got towards the whole family.

It sounds like he sees the money as his if he has already decided what he’s doing with it without even discussing, which is fair enough, some people feel like this about inheritance, but it seems like your opinions/approaches on this differ.

I’ve recently received a decent-sized inheritance and I’m using a bunch of it for our family life, because that is what will bring me happiness, so paying off mortgage, we did a holiday, replaced both cars. But I would always discuss with DH because I value his opinion. I’d find it weird if he got a sum of money and decided what to do with it without even mentioning to me as that would be unusual for our relationship.

Some people believe their inheritance is only for them, however, and it’s not to be part of the family pool. Is he investing it for family use in the future? Has he spoken about the money at all?

Can I just say, maybe he sees it as family money and has decided that investing is the best course of action.

we dont know the circumstances, as a s OP said 2 families, same amount of wealth roughly and one with a sizeable inheritance.
maybe her husband knows not to fret money away which a holiday in Florida is.
going on holidays abroad is great of course but not absolutely necessary.

Any inheritance (or gifts of money) dh and i have received over the years we've always just assumed it is family money, so we'd decide what to do with it together. It sounds like the money coming from your side is viewed in this way but not the money from his? Definitely worth a more significant conversation than him just saying "investing", then broach disney from there. I don't think you're unreasonable to ask and I don't think asking your dh about a family holiday is grabby. It might be that he has reasonable reasons for investing it all (crap pension, kids futures etc.) but I'd still expect that conversation if it was my dh.

YANBU and my attitude is the same as yours - as long as savings, pensions, investments, etc are all in place to provide security in old age then have some lovely times with at least some of your money. You can't take it with you, time passes quickly, kids grow up and best time to make happy memories with them is now.

Of course you can ask, but having inherited quite large sums of money several times (being the only one of this generation of the family left, sadly), I wouldn't spend any of it on a holiday. To me, the life savings of a relative are not there to be frittered (which I consider a holiday to be, although others might disagree). I see my savings as a safety net which I'll pass on when my time comes for the next generation to use. They might blow the lot... I won't be here to worry about it though.

this.

I've also always made inheritances etc available as family money, but I think my DH would also invest it.. It's definately worth a conversation and I think you are right re taking your son away on a special holiday ... whilst you have this window of opportunity.

After all if you'd invested your gifts instead of sharing it with him, you'd have enough to do that by now yourself.

You would not be unreasonable to ask. But I think your rationale is skewed. Assuming the investment will ultimately be you as a family, then you have both used family money to benefit the family - yours was holidays and treats, his in long term investments.

Any inheritance (or gifts of money) dh and i have received over the years we've always just assumed it is family money, so we'd decide what to do with it together

We are the same. We've had a few, relatively small gifts/inheritances over the years of our marriage, and we have always considered them to be family money, discussing what to do with it between us.

I've just recently inherited a larger sum of money, and again, we will discuss what to do with it between us. We will most probably blow a smallish amount on a holiday, and invest the rest to make our retirement in a few years more comfortable.

OP, given that you have always shared any money coming in to the family between you, it seems only fair that any money your DH inherits should be family money too. At the very least, you should have your opinions as to what to do with it taken in to account.

it should be joint money. I’ve inherited a small amount in the past and it went into the joint pot.

DH is set to inherit a lot of money soon and we’ve discussed what we will do with it. Help our adult DCs etc, holidays, savings.

I would imagine a holiday would take a significant portion of this. Uou can ask, but he may feel this is not a good use of the money, especially if his parents were frugal.

My father died last year. Booking a family holiday we otherwise would have struggled to afford was the first thing I did. I also bought an extension so we finally have enough space.
Family money isn't it? You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask.

I agree with this. It seems wrong to me to spend someone's life savings and security in such a way.

Ha, my mum made me promise before she died that I would spend some of it on a nice holiday! That’s exactly the sort of thing she would want it to be spent on.

I think it's an unreasonable ask. Where I am, inheritance is not considered a marital asset unless the person uses it for joint things.

It's from his family. He says he has plans to invest. That's something that will pay off in an economically uncertain climate. He might want to pay down the mortgage, invest in pension, renovate or upgrade something in the home, emergency savings, education funds, whatever. Considering you say his attitude towards finances is more in line with his frugal family, he's probably going to want to do something practical.

Just because your family has been generous and you shared your much smaller inheritances doesn't mean he has to do the same.

I think frittering away a considerable sum to go to Florida is frivolous and unnecessary in a poor economic climate.

Thank you for your responses, I’m taking them all on board.

For those asking what he’s going to invest it for, I’m
not sure. I’m assuming it will be for retirement. He’s made a point of saying several times that he’d like to retire at 60. We both have decent pensions through our jobs, though his is worth a lot more than mine as he earns more.

We have 15 years left on our mortgage.
I don’t think he’ll put it towards that. In fairness we don’t have much in the way of savings (though no debts either) so it would make sense to invest it. It’s just the lack of discussion that makes things so difficult. He’d never bring it up so when I do, it makes me feel as though he thinks I’m after his money! He clearly sees it as his as it’s from his dad, which I do understand but I’ve always viewed anything coming in as family money. I do think it’s deeply rooted in his family’s frugality though. His parents didn’t spend a penny on holidays, their house, family…yet had £££ in the bank.
I think he’ll feel as though he shouldn’t spend it because they didn’t.

I think it’s a bit selfish to invest it for someone’s own retirement and not use any of it for family stuff. I appreciate not everyone feels that way. When I inherited a large amount the first thing I did was use it to pay off our mortgage and book a special family holiday. I love my family and want to use it to make our lives better and more enjoyable in the here and now. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all to ask.

Not unreasonable to ask, but a holiday to Florida is not cheap, you’d be looking at 10k min, more like 15k which is a lot. If you don’t have any savings then it makes sense to save / invest it. That said, holidays are important and kids grow up fast. Sounds like he wants to save it.

I am not sure how to articulate it well but investing it is presumably for your families long term benefit. Putting towards a holiday is because you prioritise these over investing. I’m not sure it’s fair to say he benefited from the holidays and you don’t benefit from the investing, it’s just different mindsets but you both benefit from both. When you spent yours on holidays how much did you talk to him about it? Because really it was clearly your decision as he wouldn’t prioritise that.
i think a better conversation would be ‘dh i see you’ve decided to invest your dads money. I have some concerns that you decided that without even talking to me more because of behaviours you’ve learnt from your parents than because it’s the right thing to do. I know we don’t have a lot of savings and I accept it might be the sensible thing, I just want to make sure you haven’t done this becuase you cannot conceive of spending money, which feels like your parents attitude. And if we had enough to spend I wouldn’t be very happy if you decided we should stay skint and just keep saving, it sounds a miserable way to live, so I’d like you to consider your reasons and if you need to do a little bit of work on adjusting them, so we can retire happy.

I always find it strange that married couples regard their monies as totally separate. Whatever money we had was shared money, earnings, inheritances etc. I would have just assumed that the latest inheritance was shared and said where shall we go on holiday before we invest the rest.

I would encourage him to see your equivalent of a certified financial planner to see where his inheritance could best serve.

You need a comfortable emergency savings to cover unexpected situations like broken boiler to job loss.

Maybe start putting the money you're getting from your family aside.

He's looking at future, you're looking at fun.

Given all that he (and the children) have benefited from your family's money, it is only fair that he share this inheritance with you and the kids. You ARE his family now and have been for some time. For him to hold onto it only for himself and only do as he pleases with it is not only selfish and immature, but the mindset of a bachelor, not a married father.

Even if you don't end up agreeing to use a portion of the money for a trip to Florida, he should be using it for the benefit of his family (you and your kids) just as you did with the money you received from your parents. For example he could put it toward the mortgage, especially given that you helped get the house in the first place!

It's completely out of line for him to accuse you of being after the money when you bring it up when he benefited directly from the generosity of your parents.

He sounds greedy and selfish, not frugal. There is a difference. He's happy to spend your money and expects you to share it, but wants to cling to his own.