To ask DH to put some inheritance towards a holiday?

[IndieRocknRoll]

DH’s father passed away a few months ago.
He’s set to inherit around 80k. This hasn’t been discussed at all between us, however, eventually I asked him directly what he plans to do with the money and he said invest it. Fair enough. It’s his money.
WIBU to ask him to put a small portion towards a family holiday? I’d love to take the DC to Florida before our eldest leaves home. It’s not something we’d ordinarily be able to afford.
For context, over the years I’ve had a few small inheritances totalling around 8k which I’ve used for family holidays or paid into our joint account. My parents and grandparents are very generous by nature and have gifted us money for a house deposit, wedding etc, taken us on holidays, loaned money for home improvements, given cash gifts at Christmas, whereas his parents were really quite frugal. We come from families that despite having similar incomes, have very different attitudes to money and it’s reflected in our own outlooks on money I think!
I kind of feel that he’s benefitted considerably over the years from the generosity of my wider family so AIBU to ask him to use some of this money to pay towards a family holiday or is it a bit grabby?!

Well, why have you not been able to afford this before with all the money YOUR parents have given you? You say they’ve paid for holidays before for you, paid your house deposit, your wedding, given you cash lump sums. Why is suddenly something he has to provide? Why wasn’t it such a priority before?

I live in Florida. Depending on which part you are thinking of, you can have a very reasonably priced trip here. There would still be plenty of money leftover, if you select the part of the state you go to wisely. But ultimately it’s his choice.

'dont think you would be unreasonable to ask, but equally he wouldnt be unreasonable to say no.'

Yes he would.

I think you could ask but make it clear that if he says no you respect that. I’d say: “You can absolutely say no to this if you would rather not and I won’t think anything bad of it. But I did wonder if you’d consider perhaps organising a nice holiday for the kids and us with a small part of the inheritance? Or perhaps we could save a third outselves and subside the rest? It would be a lovely family experience that the kids will remember forever and be a nice reward for you always working so hard. If not, that’s totally acceptable too as it’s your inheritance and your parents worked hard for it”

Why?

It's not at all unreasonable to say you don't want to spend 10-15k+ on a holiday to a destination you have no say in, especially as he's still grieving the loss of a parent.

Can I suggest another option? How much is your mortgage? If you paid it all off or a significant chunk of it now you could then choose to invest the mortgage payment amount you usually would have into a pension fund.

Be aware of locking away money you cannot access until private pension age. There is a suggestion by a pension advisor to pull down money at 55 (soon to increase to 57) and use that to pay off any outstanding mortgage and do exactly what I suggested above.

Very sadly we have had parents die who managed to access their pension for less than a year and also friends die before they even hit 50. So all that investing and planning for nothing. If he needs to retire earlier than his goal of 60 he might not be able to access money or might still have a mortgage to pay.

As someone who has been to Florida a few times it is not a cheap holiday even if you manage to do it cheaply because the cost rockets during school holidays for flights. I totally get it, for us it was a holiday of a lifetime when we first planned and booked it. But it sounds like you have very different attitudes towards money and spending. I am shocked that he didn't even discuss it with you but was more than willing to stick his hand out to receive money via your family when offered. This is meant to be a marriage, a partnership.

Did DH get any say in the money that you were given, or did you just decide how it would be spent (yes, I know you say you spent it on the family, but did you decide exactly "how").

If your DC are old enough for "leaving home" to be a consideration and you don't have much in the way of savings, I'd suggest that saving it for them as young adults is the biggest concern at this point. If university is a possibility, then they might appreciate parental financial backing there, as opposed to having the money on a holiday.

As a couple you need to work out your priorities. He's been brought up to be frugal, you've been given handouts by your parents for years and maybe don't worry about having savings. Yes?

The fact you don't have £10K 'spare' to splurge on a big holiday says a lot about your finances.

If you both have good jobs and good pensions (are they public sector?) you sound as if you're maybe not being very money-savvy, bearing in mind how much help you have had from YOUR parents (house deposits, gifts, etc etc.)

We have 15 years left on our mortgage.
I don’t think he’ll put it towards that. In fairness we don’t have much in the way of savings (though no debts either) so it would make sense to invest it.

If you have few savings in your late 40s/ early 50s, yet you both have a good income, something isn't right.

Where is your joint income going/gone?
IMO you should focus on paying off your mortgage.

Investments go up and down.
Not being unkind, but £80K is not a lot in terms of investment and growth.
It certainly won't make much difference to a pension pot.

I think regardless of what you decide on the holiday, you need to find a good indie financial advisor. Ours is worth his weight in gold- literally.

I'd not consider a pricy family holiday as a priority. Your children can travel once they leave school/home. Mine backpacked round India, interrailed across Europe, and more, under their own steam and on money earned while at uni.

Put your own long term finances first.

I can never wrap my head around this, my DH inherited 400k and as far as he’s concerned 200k is mine, but we used it to buy a house etc, it just wouldn’t even cross my mind that it wasn’t 1/2 my husbands if I inherited. DH will benefit from the trip as well I think he should be offering!!

Seems to me the problem you actually have is that you can’t have a simple conversation with your husband. Also that he sees your money as family money, and his money is his money. Even if he invests without the holiday, you should be a part of that decision making? Ultimately isn’t inheritance seen as joint money in the eyes of the law… If you divorced him tomorrow you’d get half, right?

I don’t see a big family holiday as frittering, but holidays are always a priority to me, especially if there’s then another £70k left after. But crucially it seems it’s not to him, and he doesn’t see you as having any business contributing to the discussion of where this money goes. I don’t think I’d even want to go on holiday with this man.

If you expect a 15-17k holiday, as the price was suggested by one poster, then YABU.

I would feel this way too- if they were frugal they likely went without holidays themselves for the benefit of the family so I would try and ensure their money is treated accordingly

My husband just inherited and it’s OUR money. We did use some to go to Disney actually and our children had an amazing time. I find it really shitty your husband thinks it’s HIS when your family have contributed so much. Can he give you back the half that your parents have given for house deposits, family trips he has gone on, home repairs then if he wants to split it into if the family give it then it’s for you alone? He’s being a twat. And if he wants to use it for retirement then you should be getting some
too.

But maybe he thinks the benefit of a holiday is not as important as sound finances for the future?

For a couple with little savings, £10K-£15K on a holiday is a LOT of money.

I absolutely wouldn’t do the same, I think if bills are paid, some savings and enough for retirement I would use some for a nice holiday. Not to blow all of it but a £10-£15k holiday would be something that everyone would be likely to remember.
Money being passed down generation to generation feels like no one is getting any joy from it.
I also wouldn’t be happy if DH didn’t discuss it with me, albeit he would get the final say but they are married so I would absolutely expect it to be a conversation.

@IndieRocknRoll I don't know what your savings are, but a FA would advise you to have at least 6 months' net income as savings in case of hard times (illness, redundancy, even urgent private medical costs.)

The money we have inherited was for whatever we chose and it was made clear they wanted us to go and enjoy it! So we used some for a magical holiday. I’d hope my children and grandchildren would do the same, but then we prioritise travel and holidays as a family as long as other bills are paid.

I think your post shows the world is divided into savers and spenders.

It would give me far more happiness to pay off a mortgage, or part of it, than have 2 weeks in Florida.

That way you reduce your costs, save more each month and have the chance of many more holidays.

My parents and grandparents are very generous by nature and have gifted us money for a house deposit, wedding etc, taken us on holidays, loaned money for home improvements, given cash gifts at Christmas, whereas his parents were really quite frugal.

Is there a chance you don't appreciate the value of money and savings, having been handed so much?

Easy come, easy go- perhaps?

I'd provide even more, help them do more study or have a better mortgage rate.

I think a lot of people sit somewhere between the two. There’s a balance between saving all your money for future ‘stuff’ that might never happen at the detriment to enjoying life with a young family and spending frivolously so there’s nothing left. I think the majority of people try to balance the two.

We are fortunate enough to have a decent amount saved but we do want us and our children to enjoy life in the here and now and have opportunities and experiences, so sometimes we do decide that a lovely holiday for us all is worth more than an extra £4000 for them in 15 years’ time or whatever.

Life is for living and I’ll never be as young, energetic and healthy again and have the chance to have experiences with my children as I do now.

I think he should be including you more in the decision making but overall it sounds to me like you are a spender from a family of spenders and he is a saver from a family of savers. And that's going to be hard to reconcile. The fairest way might be for you to spend your inheritance your way - which it sounds like you have so far.. and for him to save his. But I would be making clear that I would see those savings as for everyone

No, holidays squander money in a special lump sum which you’ll never ever get back again. The holiday will be a distant memory.

Do not do this.

Invest the money/or get advice etc. Save for the holiday.

Under the circumstances you describe then yes he absolutely should make a contribution to your family holiday. But it might be better to wait till he actually gets the money.

I inherited 750K in 2019 when both my parents died within 8 weeks of each other.

there was never any discussion, it’s both mine and my husbands money. Simple as that. We upsized our house and stuck the remaining money in savings

But maybe he thinks the benefit of a holiday is not as important as sound finances for the future?
For a couple with little savings, £10K-£15K on a holiday is a LOT of money

May be he does think like this. But whatever his opinions are, surely any decision as to what to do with the money should be discussed as a couple? They are a married couple, should married couples not make big decisions together?

No, holidays squander money in a special lump sum which you’ll never ever get back again. The holiday will be a distant memory.
Do not do this.
Invest the money/or get advice etc. Save for the holiday

It doesn't really matter what any of us would do, or what our opinion is regarding how the money is spent. It matters what the OP and her DH would do. Some people would save, some people would spend. The thing that matters is that this should be decided between them, not just unilaterally decided by her DH.