To ask DH to put some inheritance towards a holiday?

[IndieRocknRoll]

DH’s father passed away a few months ago.
He’s set to inherit around 80k. This hasn’t been discussed at all between us, however, eventually I asked him directly what he plans to do with the money and he said invest it. Fair enough. It’s his money.
WIBU to ask him to put a small portion towards a family holiday? I’d love to take the DC to Florida before our eldest leaves home. It’s not something we’d ordinarily be able to afford.
For context, over the years I’ve had a few small inheritances totalling around 8k which I’ve used for family holidays or paid into our joint account. My parents and grandparents are very generous by nature and have gifted us money for a house deposit, wedding etc, taken us on holidays, loaned money for home improvements, given cash gifts at Christmas, whereas his parents were really quite frugal. We come from families that despite having similar incomes, have very different attitudes to money and it’s reflected in our own outlooks on money I think!
I kind of feel that he’s benefitted considerably over the years from the generosity of my wider family so AIBU to ask him to use some of this money to pay towards a family holiday or is it a bit grabby?!

Situations like this don't sit easy with me, i can't imagine coming into a large (small even) sum of money then swiping it away into my account to do with as i please.
In our marriage money is shared equally and any purchases discussed and agreed on.
My husband received a large inheritance in the past and i have received a couple of smaller ones all sensibly agreed on with what to do with them,a family holiday included.
This may be me in a few years and exactly the same will happen ,we would never fritter money away but i know he would give me his last penny and i would do the same.

In terms of savings, we have enough savings in our account to cover holidays, things like car repairs etc. DH and I have both been with our employers for a very long time so would get decent redundancy payouts. We have life insurance & critical illness cover.
It’s a decent pot of long term savings we don’t have.

We did a lot of research, we all shared one room and did it as a package and added the passes. I think the Disney ones were cheaper through the tour operator but the universal ones were cheaper directly. We didn’t fly with Virgin as to do the same package with them was much more expensive. We ended up going just before the schools broke up in July.
I thought that it was expensive at the time but having booked an all inclusive to Europe this year realised it wasn’t that expensive 🤣.

This is where different people have very different ideas that are difficult to reconcile.

I can’t imagine thinking I have a say in what my husband does with his inheritance. That’s his. Equally, mine is mine. We each have separate accounts as well as joint ones, so we do differentiate between what is joint and what isn’t anyway.

TBF I think it’s possible to be generous with money without being from ‘a family of spenders’ as was also said upthread. My parents are working class and saved hard to gift us money towards our wedding and house. They are in a better financial position now but have never spent beyond their means. Neither have I. I don’t have any loans, car finance etc so it’s not easy come, easy go, I do save a few hundred a month but it tends to go on short term savings that cover birthdays, holidays etc.

Op you said it is only a few months since his relative died. I think it is fair enough he puts it in savings whilst he grieves.
Is he in the right headspace to be spending money at the moment?
Did he choose to go on the other holidays/spend the money given to you or were they your idea?
Is Florida somewhere he actually would like to go to?
Maybe in a few months he will be able to consider spending some of the money on a holiday but maybe not to somewhere as expensive as Florida.
When I received money I did spend it on an expensive holiday, plus on the house & saved most of it, but that’s because we family prioritise holidays.

Not unreasonable to expect h8m to spend some of it on the family and a special holiday before the eldest moves out would be fabulous. Ask him.

Considering how much your family has gifted you as a household I would consider it very poor of him to think of as his money alone.
It absolutely would be a red flag to me.
Very mean behaviour.

I wasn't suggesting you were an over spender or lived beyond your means. But getting to the age you must be to have nearly adult children without any long term savings and still wanting to drop likely £15k on a holiday is spender behaviour/attitude

Equally, you could say that trying to coerce your partner into spending 10-15K+ on a holiday they don't get a say in, just a few months after they've lost their dad is also a huge red flag. 🤷‍♀️

I don't think that you would be at all unreasonable to ask for the holiday. Was your husband happy to go on the holiday that was provided by your inheritance? Was he happy to take the house deposit from your parents?
In a marriage all money should be shared.

I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion an inheritance when someone is married with children should be for the family (spouse and children) to spend together. It sounds like you had the same attitude with your inheritance and used it to benefit the whole family. I don't think YABU to ask at all. I think he would be unreasonable if he declined and I'd be stashing myself some savings away because I wouldn't see that as a person I could depend on if it was needed or someone who would play fair with finances if there was a divorce.

I think that like many men, he wants to avoid confrontation with OP over this , hence no real discussion. He anticipates an argument.

There is a difference between money given as a gift for a specified purpose- a wedding, a house deposit, a holiday- and an inheritance.

Presumably @IndieRocknRoll when your parents gave you money for the above, that's what they intended it for? You didn't need to discuss it with your H. It was earmarked from the start.

Let me put it from my side. We didn't take pricey family holidays when DCs were young. All our hols were in the UK although we did fund school trips abroad.
This meant when they were at uni we could pay their tuition fees and accommodation. We were also able to buy a cheap banger so they learned to drive. We were able to give them a very generous amount as a house deposit.
These things have been far more important to them and their lives now than spending money on holidays when they were teens.

I'm still questioning why you don't have much in savings (what do you call 'much'? ) I'd say you need to along the lines of at least £100K by your late 40s, given you have had very generous gifts along the way, both earn good salaries and aren't in debt.

Where is it all going?

@JLou08 @Smilesinthesunshine OP didn't have an inheritance as far as I've read it. She talks as if her parents are still alive.

She has had handouts towards specific costs- wedding, house, etc etc.
Those gifts were already 'earmarked' so there was no debate.

I'm on the fence only due to the timing (of your reasonable request).
If he hasn't got the money yet and is still grieving, then it would seem insensitive to start talking about holidays. However, you are married, a family unit, the money is equally yours/family money in theory.
I was in line for an inheritance whilst I was separated. I had my solicitor draw up a final order agreement over finances, so my ex couldn't come after half. He wouldn't have but it was too significant a sum to take the risk.
Banks are usually quite quick to release money from accounts but if there is property involved, it could take a while. Bide your time OP.

I never understand why people scrimp & save & hoard wealth so they can leave it to their kids for them to do the same? Some people just seem obsessed with amassing money for the sake of it! The posters who think its wrong to spend a relatives life savings! What else is it for ? Just to pass on in perpetuity?

While I wouldn’t want them to fritter it away I would be happy for my DC to spend some of my hard earned savings on a lovely family holiday! And use the rest for paying some of the mortgage/ save for their retirement etc.

I don’t think you can say ‘I want you to give us a holiday with your money?’, no.

But I think you could ask him to think about whether it would be nice for you both to take the kids to Disney and might he consider using some of inheritance to make that happen. And be clear that he is allowed to say no.

My personal stance is that inheritance is family money, unless a partner or spouse is financially irresponsible. Whenever DH and I have come into unexpected money it has always been paid into our joint account and we have discussed what is the best way forward regarding use or saving of the money. YANBU to ask that he uses some of it for something that would be of benefit to his family such as a last big family holiday. I would do this in a heartbeat for my family with an inheritance. Memories are special and it is all time you won't get back again once children are older. Having said that, I speak as someone who has prioritised family holidays and experiences over the new kitchen / bathroom etc as I think the house will be there when DCs have grown and left.

I’d probably do £50k off the mortgage assuming no early repayment charges, £20k in an ISA and £10k on a holiday. Then look at overpaying mortgage where possible and once paid off put that monthly amount into an investment account. If he doesn’t want to overpay the mortgage or there are fees associated then the sensible thing would be for you both to use your full isa allowance.

In terms of responding to your actual question I’d approach it to husband as what his thoughts are and if he’s looked at any advice as to how best to invest it? Then say you’re just putting it out there but what does he think about using a small part on a big family holiday to spend time together in memory of his Dad before oldest goes off to Uni.

@IndieRocknRoll Can you clarify as there is some confusion with some posters.

IMO your parents gave you money for specific costs. They are alive still, and helped to pay for your wedding, your house deposit, holidays etc.

They didn't hand over £80K and say you could spend it as you wished.

If this is right ^ it's very different to the current situation.

I agree that what to do with his inheritance should be a joint decision.
However, I also think he's being more frugal as he appreciates your lack of savings. Your attitude is 'we're getting by okay' and as long as you can buy birthday gifts and holidays , you're fine.
Well, that's not really fine.

Either one of you, god forbid, could be unable to work, (critical illness will only cover so much for so long) and really at your age you need to have a decent nest egg.

This is where I think he's coming from, but you need to talk to each other over it.

What does DH do with his money @IndieRocknRoll? Does he treat his salary as family money?

YANBU to ask, OP - of course.
But ultimately it is his money so he WNBU to disagree.

You seem to be riding on the coat tails of others.
How about paying for your own family holiday out of your own money?

I don’t think it sounds grabby, you’ve shared your money with your DH.

Gosh this is so crazy to me as any money me or dh get or earn is our money , we have a joint bank account and we spend what we like ( which isn’t much or often ) but I would definitely be asking for the holiday out of it if you have comped them with your money before