Bed wetting hell, AIBU to want them gone?

[GoldieLocks09]

This may be a long one, so I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can..

BIL has been going through a rough time recently and his relationship ended, which meant he didn’t have anywhere to live - he asked to move in with me, DH and our 2 DS (2 & 5).. he has 2 of his own DS (10 & 12) from a previous relationship (not the recently split one) who stay with him 3-4 days a week, we’ve made it work but obviously there’s been challenges - the house is busy, loud and there’s plenty of bickers between the kids but there’s also been a lot of love and laughter in what’s been a difficult time for everyone involved.

We have a guest room with a double bed, which BIL and DN (10) sleep in, and DN (12) is on the bottom bunk in my eldests room which is usually unused. We’ve recently renovated our house and all bedrooms have new carpets, beds, mattresses, bedding.

DN (10) has always struggled with bet wedding since he was young, however in the 3 months they’ve been staying here, 95% of the time he has wet through. I’ve spoken to BIL about it and asked if he can put him in nappies, which he has, but he soaks through them, I’ve bought an incontinence sheet to try and protect the mattress a bit more, but every time they’re here BIL will strip the under sheet and wash it, but doesn’t seem to get that the other layers will need it too - there’s a lot of wee, I’ve even had to wash the duvet a few times. He also is embarrassed about it, and often it won’t be ‘found’ for hours and hours if he gets up a bit later or they go straight out and in this heat it’s so grim as he won’t tell anyone it’s happened and will often put his wet through pants and pj shorts just on the floor onto the brand new carpet.

I feel bad as it’s not his fault, but we’ve worked hard to make the room nice for guests which is often used by family and friends (obv not as much recently) but the sheets and mattress just aren’t going to last and I’m already noticing marks on the carpet where I’ve realised his wet clothes have been dumped and I’ve tried to clean to get the smell out. How do I handle this? I feel like I’m ready to say they need to find another living solution as I just can’t take it happening every time. It’s like BIL is so used to it, he does the minimum clean up which to me isn’t enough, but even if he did what I do when they go, everything’s going to get wrecked..

AIBU to say I can’t take anymore of this?

Ask them to move out. I could not cope with that at all.

It's on your BIL to check every morning and deal with all of it.

Completely unacceptable not to.

We had similar with DS so I have lived it all. Bedwetting alarm off Amazon got it sorted once we'd run through everything the NHS had to offer.

You need to speak to your BIL to ask him to check the bed each morning
He needs to deal with it all, and specify which layers must be cleaned each time
You should also say you will expect bedding and mattress to be replaced
I dealt with bedwetters - it was horrendous while it lasted but they do feel embarrassed
With the kids, no water/liquids 2-3 hours before bed - they used to knock it back constantly

One of my DC was a bedwetter until nearly 10 so it's familiar territory to me. There's no excuse for the sheets to be left for hours or for urine soaked clothes to be left on the carpet. If he won't/can't (additional needs?) get the child to tell an adult and put everything in the wash straight away, then BIL needs to be checking every single morning first thing and properly dealing with it.

I wouldn't throw them out over this. Tbh it sounds like the damage is done anyway really. But I would be having a serious conversation about expectations and boundaries. BIL to check every morning, immediately wash any wet clothes and bedding, clean the mattress or carpet or anything else that's been affected. And a commitment to replace the mattress and any other soiled items when they leave.

Has he actually done anything about the bedwetting? What worked for us in the end was a bedwetting alarm. Literally in the space of 2 weeks it completely stopped.

BiL’s morning routine should be checking the bed and doing the wash. There should be a plastic bin next to the bed for wet clothes to go straight into. There should also be a washable rug by the bed for extra security. It can be binned if necessary, or just washed occasionally, it’s just to protect the carpet.

The carpet should come good when they leave, with a proper clean.

BiL ought to be paying for the bedding to be replaced and the various bed protectors, but I assume he needs to save up to be able to leave, so that would be counterproductive.

He needs to buy a replacement mattress once he moves out and pay for the carpets to be professionally cleaned. You've already spoken to him about cleaning up thoroughly and promptly and making an effort to minimise the damage and he's still not treating your house with respect. It sounds like it's time to ask him to move out.

Agree with others that your BIL should be sorting this out! It’s not on to leave it to you after the kindness you’ve shown in putting them up. I don’t blame you for wanting them to leave.

YANBU. If I were your BIL I would make sure to check the bed every single morning and deal with it promptly! I would also be offering to buy all brand new bedding/mattress after we move out.

As an aside, is no one concerned that a 10 y/o is still wetting the bed most nights? Has he been taken to a GP??

BIL is absolutely taking advantage of your generosity. Give him a month to find a new place.

You need to set the rules and if he doesn’t do as asked, they will have to leave.

I would expect everything to be replaced when they do leave.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, as you have explained you have spent time and money bringing your home to a high standard and you now have someone living with you who’s oblivious to that, if he’s unable to afford a place of his own then perhaps it’s time he sought advice on his options.

Plastic container (with lid, to be used as a laundry basket) should be in the room. They need an appointment with a continence nurse and proper pads to use at night, which she can supply. Poor child must be fed up too.

The carpet shouldn’t be getting damaged so tell bil to make sure nothing is dumped in it and explain why.

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bladders/bedwetting/#:~:text=Before%20your%20child%20sees%20a,is%20beyond%20their%20conscious%20control.
Forgive the huge link

Have you tried Tena for men adult sized incontinence underwear as they would absorb more liquid

Also GP visit - desmopressin can help a lot with bedwetting.

ERIC website has a lot of useful advice.

It’ll be really tough on the child kicking them all out over this, but equally the whole arrangement clearly isn’t a long term one.

Short term. Plastic tough tub style basket in the room with a clear expectation that pyjamas go in it every morning. One for each child if that makes it more straightforward. Not a big deal for anyone who’s aren’t wet and solves the wet stuff on floor issue for any that are.

Sensible planning and house rules type update conversation with you, partner and BIL with no kids around. What do you all need to do to work out a plan for him moving out (and have a time frame in mind, eg. October half term), how can you help with that. How do we make things a bit smoother while still here. Think of something else to mix in to the conversation, eg. School run logistics. Also, the laundry issues.

A few cheap sets from Asda so can easy change and do full swaps, look at ERIC website for robust waterproof sheets etc.

And yes, son needs support but the domestic situation will almost certainly be exacerbating the issue at the moment.

He’s 10, has he been to the Dr’s / Consultant ?

DD was the same, she started on Desmopressin at about 7, and was on it until she was about 13.

Some children just don’t make the hormone that stops you weeing in your sleep, so the Desmopressin replaces this.

The child will be embarrassed enough at wetting the bed, nappies would just make that worse. I was that child, but my parents couldn’t be bothered with the Dr.

You need a good quality mattress protector on.

He really needs to go to the Dr

Outside of the bed wetting issue, what was the plan for how long they were going to stay

Puppy training pads under the top sheet and mattress protector will help protect your mattress as a short term fix.

Your BIL needs to get your nephew a bed wetting alarm - as well as doing any necessary washing etc.

With a bed wetting alarm our 9 year old was dry at night within 3 weeks. It doesn't work for everyone but when it does work it's excellent. We used a Wet Stop 3 alarm.

Thanks all, was feeling like the worst auntie in the world but this obviously isn’t personal to DN. To answer a few questions:

• DN has no additional needs
• Bed wetting has been a common theme for years, BIL was shocked when my DS stayed with him aged 3 and didn’t wear nappies at night as DN was still in them daily at that point. I know they did visit the GP about it previously, no idea where they are with that now, perhaps I can suggest it again
• He often will take himself up to bed/chill upstairs and forget to put a nappy on (embarrassment maybe?) and fall asleep, BIL will often try to wake him and get him changed and sorted but sometimes it happens as soon as he falls asleep so before the nights even begun
• We stupidly put a Simba mattress in there, very expensive but we have parents that often stay that we wanted to feel as comfortable as they can, I don’t think he’ll have the money to replace it
• BIL is often in a rush to leave in the mornings, they have an hours journey back to their mums from ours which isn’t convenient for anyone.. but you’re right, even if they are getting up and out it needs to be part of BIL’s routine. Will think about how me / DH have that convo

10years old! I'd expect him to be stripping the bed at that age and putting any wet clothes in a nappy sack. My 5yo does that.

Your guess is as good as mine - I’m happy it feels like a safe place for them at the moment, even though it is tough. Both DN’s regularly say they love coming here and feel happy / calm.

I feel guilt for my 2 as their space has been invaded (we don’t have a huge amount of additional storage for 3 people’s clothes and life belongings) and there’s a lot going on half of the week, but they have loved having their cousins here - when they’re not trying to rip each others heads off 😂

As an aside, is no one concerned that a 10 y/o is still wetting the bed most nights? Has he been taken to a GP??

Agree with this. It doesn't sound like the children have had the most stable of lives. They've witnessed multiple splits of parental figures and constantly shunted around homes. BIL is a grown man with two kids and needs to move in with his brother (??)

Bedwetting in older children is often a sign of serious abuse, CSA or trauma. Especially as it happens so often and the child seems to be treating it with secrecy and shame. More needs to be looked into this tbh instead of just kicking them out.

Have his parents taken this poor child to the incontinence service? We had really good advice from them, and they lend the alarms for free. Or he can buy one online.

This poor child has probably got worse as he is going through a very difficult and upsetting time in his life.

Your BIL sounds useless. He’s living with you guys ( for free?), having the kids for half the week despite not even having a home for them, which means he isn’t paying any maintenance to the Mother, and can’t even bother cleaning up after his own son. I can see why his marriage ended.

I would not kick them out because I wouldn’t do that to the poor kids. I would expect BIL to pay to fully replace mattress, sheets and carpet etc if needed. I’d even get a legal doc set up to that effect as I wouldn’t trust the lazy, freeloading chancer

If there so much wee and wetness your BIL surely can’t fail to notice if his son is in bed with him?

Tell him again the minimum you expect and say if it can’t be dealt with they’ll have to go elsewhere. Make sure he buys a plastic wash tub too for wet clothes to be out in to.