Bed wetting hell, AIBU to want them gone?

[GoldieLocks09]

This may be a long one, so I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can..

BIL has been going through a rough time recently and his relationship ended, which meant he didn’t have anywhere to live - he asked to move in with me, DH and our 2 DS (2 & 5).. he has 2 of his own DS (10 & 12) from a previous relationship (not the recently split one) who stay with him 3-4 days a week, we’ve made it work but obviously there’s been challenges - the house is busy, loud and there’s plenty of bickers between the kids but there’s also been a lot of love and laughter in what’s been a difficult time for everyone involved.

We have a guest room with a double bed, which BIL and DN (10) sleep in, and DN (12) is on the bottom bunk in my eldests room which is usually unused. We’ve recently renovated our house and all bedrooms have new carpets, beds, mattresses, bedding.

DN (10) has always struggled with bet wedding since he was young, however in the 3 months they’ve been staying here, 95% of the time he has wet through. I’ve spoken to BIL about it and asked if he can put him in nappies, which he has, but he soaks through them, I’ve bought an incontinence sheet to try and protect the mattress a bit more, but every time they’re here BIL will strip the under sheet and wash it, but doesn’t seem to get that the other layers will need it too - there’s a lot of wee, I’ve even had to wash the duvet a few times. He also is embarrassed about it, and often it won’t be ‘found’ for hours and hours if he gets up a bit later or they go straight out and in this heat it’s so grim as he won’t tell anyone it’s happened and will often put his wet through pants and pj shorts just on the floor onto the brand new carpet.

I feel bad as it’s not his fault, but we’ve worked hard to make the room nice for guests which is often used by family and friends (obv not as much recently) but the sheets and mattress just aren’t going to last and I’m already noticing marks on the carpet where I’ve realised his wet clothes have been dumped and I’ve tried to clean to get the smell out. How do I handle this? I feel like I’m ready to say they need to find another living solution as I just can’t take it happening every time. It’s like BIL is so used to it, he does the minimum clean up which to me isn’t enough, but even if he did what I do when they go, everything’s going to get wrecked..

AIBU to say I can’t take anymore of this?

This.

It is very effective.

https://amzn.eu/d/gUQDg9u

But dad needs to be taking this on, both in terms of helping the son by getting him some help (it is not hugely uncommon and nothing to be ashamed of) and by managing it

It is not on you to sort the individual components here (referral to support, different incontinence pads/pants). It's for BIL to do. By all means share the useful info but you are not the evil auntie by any means. BIL needs to do better. Does your husband have your back on this?

Yes actually, and soda bicarb sprinkled on, left to dry and hoovered up.

All of this is fairly labour intensive in some ways, so I found it such easier to keep a bottle of this under her bed and at every change a quick spray over.

Nothing to add to what everyone says re: BIL, but you sound absolutely lovely, so tolerant and looking out for your nephews - well done OP.

I know 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️. Posts like this make me shudder.
Poor kid.

Bed wetting alarm. They are not that expensive. He’ll stop in a week at his age.

Those hand held spot cleaners are fantastic. I work in a care home and the car seats have been weed on many times, always gets the smell out.
Your BIL is being very unreasonable, you have offered them all a home and he's taking advantage. It's his responsibility to make enough time and prioritise this issue, ensuring it's been cleaned up properly. It's also hugely unfair on your children.

Bil needs to be more on top of it

he needs to buy miltiple incontinence sheets, sheets pyjamas and another duvet so it can be kept clean

I’m going go steal that tip, thank you. My mum lives with us and has continence issues connected to dementia, so my situation is similar to OP. I’ve solved the mattress problem with a waterproof cover then a sheet and a Kylie on top, but a sprinkle of bicarb and a hoover when l change the mattress protector sounds like a good idea. Thanks.

Don’t spout nonsense when you don’t know.

new onset of bedwetting can be a sign of abuse/trauma.

however bedwetting that’s always happened is because the child’s body hasn’t started making the right hormone yet. 3% of 12 year olds still wet the bed. Thats a lot of kids across the U.K.

www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/enuresis-bedwetting

You sound like an amazing aunt. They will remember you being their stability and safe space.

BiL on the other hand needs to pull his socks up. Getting up and leaving a bed soaked in pee is shocking behaviour and he needs to be stripping and cleaning the bed and getting all the soiled items in a wash. I agree with PPs he also needs to get the child medical attention.

I'm all for helping family get back on their feet but it seems he's just moved in. How is finding his own accomodation getting on?

You need to have the uncomfortable chat with him I think. Is the bairn not on any medications or under a doctor? Poor bugger.

BIL needs to start being a parent ffs.

1. Take that poor child to a doctor to get a proper investigation into why he's bed wetting at 10.
2. Get support and advice from ERIC.
3. Set up his room so he can have a bit of dignity and hygiene; waterproof under sheets on the bed, waterproof wash basket for wet clothes.
4. If something has been decided, like a pull up for bed, ACTUALLY DO IT and set an alarm when it's time to put it on if necessary.

I feel so sorry for those children.

I think I’d buy several waterproof mattress protectors and layer it up, so mattress, protector, sheet, protector, sheet. This is what DS (10) has on his bed and he has an accident maybe twice a year but always at a bad time (usually when we’re all very tired from travelling or something) and this makes it easier to clean up and get him back to bed more quickly. Hopefully the doubling up would protect the mattress a bit better.

I’d also buy a big cheap rug for DS’s side of the bed to protect the carpet. And possibly a plastic bin with a lid for right by the bed too so he can put wet pyjamas in there so it’s not just lying on the floor and BIL can deal with cleaning up when he gets back without your carpet etc being soaked.

Buy/hire an alarm and follow the ERIC advice that others have pointed you to.
Start now in school holidays and dbil should take some leave to implement it...it involves getting up as soon as alarm goes off to go to loo and stripping bed if it's wet. Child needs to associate weeing urge with waking up.
GP for prescription for the hormonal meds too.
Can dn sleep on a camp bed in room with his dad in the meantime? Easier to strip and manage

OP, please be compassionate with your nephew. However the dad and mum need to do everything they can to get on top of this.

multiple sheets on the bed - plastic waterproof on bottom, then 2 absorbent bed wetting sheets, with spares in the cupboard.

dad needs to strip bed 1st thing in morning. Wash straight away. Might need biological powder.

boy needs to be instructed to put wet PJs in a bucket with no other clothing.

boy needs to drink more during day, have fluids limited after 7pm, no blackcurrant, do a full wee before bed, possibly a double wee (wee then again after 10 mins)

at this age the boy should be under a paediatrician for this, and should have his bladder scanned to check for anomalies. The dad can access via GP referral.

The dad should buy a bed wetting alarm and train for a month. It’s hard but works for a lot of children.

If all that fails it’s probably worth trying desmopressian.

"He often will take himself up to bed/chill upstairs and forget to put a nappy on (embarrassment maybe?) and fall asleep, BIL will often try to wake him and get him changed and sorted but sometimes it happens as soon as he falls asleep so before the nights even begun"

I'm sorry but wtf is BIL doing here? If his child has a known continence issue then he's needs to step up. Where is the bed time routine? Why is he letting his child 'chill' in bed fully clothed to the point he falls asleep and wets himself early in the night. He needs to be stricter. Bathroom at 9 for teeth and toilet and change into nappy and PJ's.

By the sound of it he is wetting early in the evening so not having a wee before bed will cause the amount and therefore the mess, to be that much greater.

It sounds like these kids have a lot of turbulence in their lives and some boundaries, rules and routines could do a lot of good.

No need to shame the poor boy but you can be very matter a fact about ensuring that BIL and the child check their room and deal with any mess BEFORE they leave the house. He's ten, old enough to learn to clean up after himself regardless of why, and not expect the 'mum' figure do the dirty work. What a terrible example the dad is setting!!

I agree that this should really be DH having a short but firm word with his brother about this and maybe even checking in the room for a few days and pulling him up on how disrespectful he is being to your home and your generosity.

Is your dh just sitting there letting you do everything, fret over everything, watching your items get wrecked and basically being skivvy to another family? If so he needs to step up. This is a ridiculous situation and it sounds like it all falls to you because you are a woman and 'know' about laundry. Please don't say you cook and shop for everyone as well as holding down a job.

Another thing, why haven't these dead beat parents been to the GP?

Your BIL needs to be managing this situation, I think you’re within your rights to say if it continues they need to find somewhere else to stay. Additionally, using the cash your BIL has saved in rent, he should buy you a new carpet, bedding and mattress - he should have offered to do this from the outset. I’d probably want a waterproof sheet on the mattress. Can you get an alarm system https://unikor.shop/products/nightguard™-bedwetting-alarm?variant=46488796332284
Is the child receiving any therapy and has their GP been informed? I’d suggest it’s symptomatic of a more serious underlying issue.

BIL needs to take some responsibility, both for cleaning up to your standard every morning and for his son's problem - unless he's medically incontinent, 10 years only is a ridiculous age to be wetting the bed.

Your husband should be having this talk with him and letting him know that they'll have to leave if it isn't sorted. I'd be expecting him to replace the mattress/bedding and paying for the carpet to be cleaned as well.

I agree it’s too much and you’ve been very generous but they need to find another living solution.

I’m worried your DN is being neglected - which he is if he’s not having professional care and support for his BW. It is going to be affecting his self esteem significantly at this age.

Getting DN help needs to be a priority. You have first hand experience of how bad it is and have a safeguarding duty to him.

In practical terms you need (and should bill your BIL for) vinyl sheets to protect the mattress. Most waterproof sheets aren't great - they're never waterproof on the sides and that can let wetness escape into the mattress. You can get vinyl sheets from Amazon or lovehoney.

I'd also insist your BIL double wraps the bed - vinyl, normal waterproof sheet, top sheet, vinyl, waterproof sheet, top sheet.
My youngest DD is doubly incontinent and her mattress is pristine after two years of doing this - it's much more effective than all the pads and suggestions from the continence people.

Also get him to buy single duvets for him and DN - much easier to wash and easier on your machine as well.

I’ve selected YABU because I cannot understand why you all (OP, BIL, DH) haven’t insisted DN sees a doctor and has medication as soon as the issue became apparent. He may also need some counselling if there is some underlying anxiety. The poor kid.

But, yes, he needs to be supported and then you all need to sit with BIL and plan the way forward. Whether that is contacting the council to get put on a waiting list or whether you help him start looking for somewhere to rent. Those kids need stability, but so do OPs.

We have been through this with our DD at a similar age. Obviously you've had a lot of advice on how to deal with the impact on the floor etc. But I wanted to add:
Washable/coverless duvets - get single ones so your BIL side doesn't also need to go in.
Check DN at his bedtime (in case he already wet the bed) and at adult bedtime. Don't reduce fluid in the daytime but a slight reduction at bedtime.

Double layering the bed: mattress protector, pad (like this: https://hygge-sheets.com/products/organic-bamboo-mattress-protector-single-bed), then sheet, then start again with the mattress protector.

Bed alarm, we used this kind but you have to have a towel or something like that on top if it's warm as the child's sweat sets it off!

https://amzn.eu/d/6flxfWG

We found DD didn't wake up but we did and woke her, stripped the bed and it's ready to get back in to.

Does he drink a lot of fizzy pop? Drinking a lot can cause an overactive bladder. There’s a medication you can get off the doctors so they produce less urine at night. At 10 with no additional needs why hasn’t this been investigated sooner?