Bed wetting hell, AIBU to want them gone?

[GoldieLocks09]

This may be a long one, so I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can..

BIL has been going through a rough time recently and his relationship ended, which meant he didn’t have anywhere to live - he asked to move in with me, DH and our 2 DS (2 & 5).. he has 2 of his own DS (10 & 12) from a previous relationship (not the recently split one) who stay with him 3-4 days a week, we’ve made it work but obviously there’s been challenges - the house is busy, loud and there’s plenty of bickers between the kids but there’s also been a lot of love and laughter in what’s been a difficult time for everyone involved.

We have a guest room with a double bed, which BIL and DN (10) sleep in, and DN (12) is on the bottom bunk in my eldests room which is usually unused. We’ve recently renovated our house and all bedrooms have new carpets, beds, mattresses, bedding.

DN (10) has always struggled with bet wedding since he was young, however in the 3 months they’ve been staying here, 95% of the time he has wet through. I’ve spoken to BIL about it and asked if he can put him in nappies, which he has, but he soaks through them, I’ve bought an incontinence sheet to try and protect the mattress a bit more, but every time they’re here BIL will strip the under sheet and wash it, but doesn’t seem to get that the other layers will need it too - there’s a lot of wee, I’ve even had to wash the duvet a few times. He also is embarrassed about it, and often it won’t be ‘found’ for hours and hours if he gets up a bit later or they go straight out and in this heat it’s so grim as he won’t tell anyone it’s happened and will often put his wet through pants and pj shorts just on the floor onto the brand new carpet.

I feel bad as it’s not his fault, but we’ve worked hard to make the room nice for guests which is often used by family and friends (obv not as much recently) but the sheets and mattress just aren’t going to last and I’m already noticing marks on the carpet where I’ve realised his wet clothes have been dumped and I’ve tried to clean to get the smell out. How do I handle this? I feel like I’m ready to say they need to find another living solution as I just can’t take it happening every time. It’s like BIL is so used to it, he does the minimum clean up which to me isn’t enough, but even if he did what I do when they go, everything’s going to get wrecked..

AIBU to say I can’t take anymore of this?

The poor child needs to be seen by a GP…….there’s probably more to this than the upheaval of family life.

Your BIL needs a real talking too. This is outrageous behaviour on his part. His child needs help and he needs to stop being so lazy.

OP is understandably, worried about damage to new, expensive furnishings and the BIL is not being as considerate as he might be. A hotel or B&B probably would have asked them to leave already...

YADNBU

You've definitely got a BIL problem, rather than a DN problem.

10 is old to still be nightly bedwetting. He needs to be actively seeing a doctor about this.

But BIL sounds completely useless. Presumably he's roughly in his 30s, but effectively homeless with 2 kids. What if you hadn't been able to take them in? What would've happened then?

I don't think he should be made to wear a nappy, how humiliating. Mens incontinence pads would allow him a little more dignity. He needs to see a medical professional to get to the bottom of what is causing this, and yes an alarm sounds like a food idea, previous comments have indicated they're effective. Don't ask them to leave, this poor kid has been through enough. Work with BIL to find a solution. Maybe buy a cheap mattress to replace the expensive one and keep that one in storage until they leave.

Good idea not food!

I would give the kid a small bin to but his wet clothes in and tell him not on the carpet. Then either he or his dad must put the sheets in the wash.

There's a medical explanation for this, but most kids grow out of it by 10-12.

I think a nappy is no more humiliating than soaked sheets. I know someone who had this issue and wore a nappy.

OP, you have had done great advice on this thread with practical ideas.

My DS 15 has SEN and is doubly incontinent so night accidents are part of everyday life here.

I’m not going to repeat any of the great advice, but one thing that sticks out to me is the shame your DN feels, and also his haphazard approach.

You say he doesn’t always wear a pull-up in bed - not negotiable. One goes on every night, changed just before he goes to sleep. If he falls asleep without one, your BIL wakes him up. No exceptions.

I don’t think whispering about it helps, but equally it’s REALLY important there’s no upset “tone”. I know that’s hard but it is important. It’s not the poor lad’s fault and he’s probably mortified, so that’s why he’s hiding it. Our DS used to hide it too from his dad, but he would always tell me. That’s because DP would sometimes have a bit of a face about having to strip the bed/duvet even though he didn’t consciously realise he was doing it.

You need a brisk, no-nonsense approach. “DN, no problem if you’ve had an accident, but we need to know right away. Wet PJs in the hamper, and come and tell someone.” Depending on how competent he is, you could also tell him to strip the bed. Sometimes it’s easier for them if they can help clean it up rather than having to watch someone go to the effort of cleaning up their embarrassing mess. Ideally BIL has that conversation with him but I don’t think it helps for it to be a “secret”. It’s a bodily function, no shame. But let’s just make sure we’re dealing with it properly, ok?

I’m assuming the other DC aren’t mocking him for wearing a pull-up.

Oh also! What pull-ups does he use? Some are bloody useless. Huggies DryNites are excellent. DS is still using them as he’s too skinny for men’s continence products - it leaks out of the legs! Pampers are dreadful.

I do sympathise - please don’t think I don’t. But getting the approach right is more than just the right mattress protectors etc. It’s about helping him feel less ashamed and removing any stigma. All of our bodies do weird and annoying things sometimes - I think the key here is impressing on BIL privately that he needs to deal with it properly, without making the child feel bad.

Boys pull-ups are just like those Tena continence pants for men currently being advertised on TV. Some of them have funky prints too - my DS is gutted they don’t do the cool prints on the larger sizes!

Doesn't matter what it's called - it needs to be sufficient to soak up the liquid. BIL, of course, should be the one down at Boots investigating!

I missed this bit.

A 10 year old should have his own bed. Then if he choose to sleep with Mum or Dad that is fine but there should be a choice.

There is no other bed. Although it would have made sense for the BIL to buy twin beds or a bunk bed when it became apparent this was not a very short term solution.

Your BIL needs to go to the council and ask for housing as he has his young children 50% of the time, so he should be a priority. You need to speak to the council and tell them you cannot have them in the house any longer, it's overcrowded, he's having to share a bed with his 10 yo son which isn't right and you can't cope any longer.

Your BIL needs to replace your mattress and duvet when he leaves and he needs to be contributing financially because of all the extra washing. The little boy will probably sort himself out when he doesn't feel so upside down in his life.

I haven’t RTFT, im sure someone suggested gp appointment for DN.

Solution for the meantime: get a plastic bucket for their room, DN clothes are to go straight into that and not on the carpet.

DN dad buys you a new mattress when their stay is over.

Have a no blame chat with DN’s dad, keep it factual, say you know this is an issue and are sympathetic, can they please implement the above to minimise damage. That’s it.

Limit drinks well before bed

Here’s a simple solution suggest BiL asks for a referral for his DS to an enuresis clinic! Either his GP or school nurse can do this!

Whilst I agree that the BIL should be sorting this out, what does your DH do in all of this as it's his brother? If BIL can't cope with it all then it's DH who should be helping him out, not you.
It must be so hard for the poor kid - were the DNs also staying with the previous woman before the relationship broke up? The bedwetting probably wouldn't have helped if he was cockloging with her.

Then the DNs have to stay with their mum for the remaining part of the week who has 3 younger kids, and would assume the bed wetting also happens at his DMs house.

The useless parents need to arrange to see the GP or an incontinence service as a start.
You are a lovely aunt - well done on being so caring and generous.

This is definitely your BILs job and if he's not going to do it then they need to move out. It doesn't matter how early they need to leave in the morning, it is his responsibility and he also has to respect that it is your home and he needs to respect your stuff. You absolutely shouldn't need to be cleaning up after guests in this way.

I wouldn't chuck him/them out but I'd have a serious word and suggest processes along the lines have suggested above, special sheets layered with multiple waterproof covers so that if he wees in the night each one can just be whipped off. If he is weeing so much it goes through nappies it sounds like he needs to wee much more before he goes to bed, can he practice timed toileting ahead of the medication PPs have proposed above (ie need to go every, 2h and twice before bed). I'm sure it's embarrassing but BIL just needs to be clear it is a medical problem like any other, no one minds at all as long as the dirty stuff is managed properly, as he can't help it, so he will get some meds to help DN out.

Your BIL sounds thoughtless! I can’t believe he’d let a known bedwetter sleep on a brand new expensive mattress! I’d never do that! I’d either have bought a cheap mattress and used that while staying or I’d have set up some bed-type thing on a waterproof cover on the floor for the child to use.

And why does your BIL have to stay with you anyway? I wouldn’t dream of imposing on my siblings like that, unless it was an absolute emergency and even then only for a few nights. He sounds lazy and thoughtless.

You or your DH need to speak to him about this. Lay out exactly the problems and give your preferred solutions, eg a new mattress, him buying specialist waterproof sheets, etc etc. Make sure BIL complies. I’d also take the opportunity to ask when he’s leaving.

YANBU at all. If it's not too late for the big mattress, can you swap the DNs and put the bedwetter in your DC's bottom bunk? Bunk bed mattresses are cheap to replace. Also is there a (plastic) laundry bin in the room where he sleeps so wet PJs etc can go straight in there? And a pair of incontinence pants laid out on top of his clean Pj's every evening? BIL should be doing that to get him into good habits.

Ooooh big round of applause for someone who knows how to use ChatGPT. You must feel so clever.

Also who are you to tell other people they are talking shit? Bed wetting can absolutely be caused by trauma or abuse. Especially within the context of a very complicated family setup and a father who is homeless with drug use (if the PP who remembered OP's previous thread is correct). Another thing that's clear is that the father hasn't taken the child to be medically checked which seems like a red flag for neglect as well.

Hang on …. If they share a bed BIL must be knowing this is happening and not doing anything about it. Unacceptable