Bed wetting hell, AIBU to want them gone?

[GoldieLocks09]

This may be a long one, so I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can..

BIL has been going through a rough time recently and his relationship ended, which meant he didn’t have anywhere to live - he asked to move in with me, DH and our 2 DS (2 & 5).. he has 2 of his own DS (10 & 12) from a previous relationship (not the recently split one) who stay with him 3-4 days a week, we’ve made it work but obviously there’s been challenges - the house is busy, loud and there’s plenty of bickers between the kids but there’s also been a lot of love and laughter in what’s been a difficult time for everyone involved.

We have a guest room with a double bed, which BIL and DN (10) sleep in, and DN (12) is on the bottom bunk in my eldests room which is usually unused. We’ve recently renovated our house and all bedrooms have new carpets, beds, mattresses, bedding.

DN (10) has always struggled with bet wedding since he was young, however in the 3 months they’ve been staying here, 95% of the time he has wet through. I’ve spoken to BIL about it and asked if he can put him in nappies, which he has, but he soaks through them, I’ve bought an incontinence sheet to try and protect the mattress a bit more, but every time they’re here BIL will strip the under sheet and wash it, but doesn’t seem to get that the other layers will need it too - there’s a lot of wee, I’ve even had to wash the duvet a few times. He also is embarrassed about it, and often it won’t be ‘found’ for hours and hours if he gets up a bit later or they go straight out and in this heat it’s so grim as he won’t tell anyone it’s happened and will often put his wet through pants and pj shorts just on the floor onto the brand new carpet.

I feel bad as it’s not his fault, but we’ve worked hard to make the room nice for guests which is often used by family and friends (obv not as much recently) but the sheets and mattress just aren’t going to last and I’m already noticing marks on the carpet where I’ve realised his wet clothes have been dumped and I’ve tried to clean to get the smell out. How do I handle this? I feel like I’m ready to say they need to find another living solution as I just can’t take it happening every time. It’s like BIL is so used to it, he does the minimum clean up which to me isn’t enough, but even if he did what I do when they go, everything’s going to get wrecked..

AIBU to say I can’t take anymore of this?

Also we found medication didn't help at all. The continence nurse told us it isn't a hormone thing: it's a combination of bladder size, depth of sleep, and awareness of needing to wee. DD had chronic constipation so her bladder had become insensitive. But she also slept very deeply.

To start attacking what damage there must already be, get the mattress outside and borrow / hire / use if you have a proper carpet cleaner to soak and pull through the urine.

Then whilst still damp, liberal pouring of bicarbonate of soda. Repeat process a couple of times . BIL needs to sleep on a blow up bed or sofa whilst his kids are back at mums to do this.

Once fully dried, you need to wrap the mattress with a plastic sheet; then the disposable sheets as a few layers. BIL needs to then be responsible for treating the bed and layers in the morning when there’s been accidents.

DN; double up on the adult tena nappies but the trick is to pierce holes in the first one as it’s often the volume that causes the leakage.BIL then needs to take charge of disposing of / storing and cleaning soaked things and working with his son to make sure his body is cleaned thoroughly and appropriate cream applied for any skin reactions. It’s only embarrassing if they let it be- if they can work out the system properly and take charge of the mess, it’s far less so.

In terms of having the conversation, I’d probably say you’d taken advice from an incontinence website about how a general household tackles the issue and these are the starting points/ bare minimum.

Yes. I now have them in the car boot for when I go to the garden centre! Couldn’t bear to throw them out. DS is 21 now!!!!

I’ve learnt the hard way with dogs that the only way to get smell out is using an enzyme cleaner. You can get this off Amazon making sure you get the one for human urine

amzn.eu/d/5iWZeFf

Agree that at 10 I would be concerned but surely it depends whether DN has always wet the bed (i.e. has never been dry) or was dry and the bedwetting has started up again. My older two kids both took until nearly seven to be reliably dry at night and out of night time pull ups and eventually it just happened by itself - no alarms or anything. At 10 BIL should definitely
be trying to address the problem but if DN has never been dry I wouldn’t be worried about abuse or similar.

Cant you not ask BIL to replace the mattress and professionally clean the carpet before they move out? I wouldn’t ask them to move because of that. (Although i would only agree for the certain time for them to stay)

Not a solution to the problem but we have mattress protectors from a company called house of Emily , they fully enclose the mattress and zip, fully waterproof (and bed bug proof) soft and not rustly at all, I think they are designed for carehome type use. I got one for DSs bed when he was toilet training but now have them on all beds because they protect the mattress completely from spills, sweat (DH).
This is on your BIL to deal with and even if you ask them not to stay anymore I'd get one of those for a guest bed.

ETA for this situation I would have one of those with a normal waterproof mattress cover on top, they do also do pillowcases which work well we got a free one and ds was sick once on his pillow and the pillow was perfect. They do duvet covers too but not used those.
That way the mattress is safe the other layers are stripped first thing in the morning by BIL and our straight into wash with enzyme cleaner or Dettol laundry cleanser.

I hope the 10 yo is getting medical support

Wait, this BIL has a cocaine problem and OP and her DH has moved him into her home with her young DC?

I despair, damaged bedding and carpets are the least concerning thing here.

You’re a more tolerant person than me @GoldieLocks09because I’d have lost my shit weeks ago!

Get BIL to buy 2 waterproof sheets for now, and a new duvet when they leave.
I'd also have a conversation with DN about how lots of children have accidents for a long time (maybe even pretend that you used to, that's what I said to our DC who regularly wet until 9, wasn't true but helped a lot with the embarrassment)

Does he struggle with drinking much in general? That can mean children have a smaller than average bladder so can't hold it as long. Prompting more frequent drinking throughout the day may help over time if his fluid intake is low in general.

Are they parents getting the child help from the incontinence team? And gp?
One of my friends son is like this. Now in secondary school. No additional needs. Will use a toilet in school and at friends houses but at home refuses too. His mum won't get help and has always just accepted it.
Both kids sound like they need a more stable environment. Growing up with a dad taking coke won't have been easy.

Would it be worth swapping the DN's around so that younger one sleeps in your child's lower bunk, then the wet bedding is only single sized? Or would this cause more disruption and potential embarrassment? You've been very kind to your BiL and DNs.

Why is it up to you to handle it? Your BIl should be managing this or he needs to go.

What has your husband said to him?

Would he listen if you asked him to manage the washing etc better.

A 10 year old sharing a bed with an adult? He needs his own bed.

Did you search the OP’s previous posts to work this out? Or remember her user name?

The kid clearly needs to see a specialist. We tried everything at home with our 7.5 yo, didn't work. GP referred us to local bladder and bowel clinic who were great and we were sorted in around a month or so.

Separately, your BIL should obvz be dealing with mess in the interim

They need to replace the mattress, bedding and possibly carpet (or at least have it professionally cleaned) and move out. I wouldnt tolerate this, his dad should be waking him to take him to the toilet several times a night and no drinks after 6pm. One of my children still had issues at around 4 or 5 years old, we banned drinks after a time and also woke her to take her to the toilet, this worked and we could eventually stop waking her. I'd set some rules, the dad also need to check every morning if the bed is wet, if so it needs sorting before he leaves for work so he should be setting an early alarm to allow for cleaning. I'd set a moving out date now and stick to it.

Just wanted to say, as someone who had to live at my auntie’s for a bit when things went pear-shaped for us, that you are a lovely aunt and a real mensch. They won’t forget your generosity.

Unless there is a physical reason why he is wetting the bed, it sounds like it may linked to the emotional upheaval of the last few months (especially if he was prone to it anyway). Whilst it’s incredibly commendable that are letting BIL and kids stay with you to offer some consistency and home comforts, BIL absolutely needs to tackle this head on and stop accepting this as a “norm” because it is not.

There are two issues at play, both of which BIL must take control of - firstly he needs to buy you a new mattress, and he needs to understand the impact this is having on you and how much it is ruining a space you have created for guests. Secondly, he needs to work with his ex wife to tackle the bed wetting issue. I wonder if DN seeing a therapist would help? There must be people who specialise in this. Getting to the root cause (if not medical) is so important. He is doing his son a real disservice if he is not exploring every avenue.

It isn't something I would throw them out over just yet. Not for the sake of the BIL, but for the kids. You and DH really need to have a proper talk with him about what needs to happen.

Firstly, he needs to make an appointment with the GP and get a referral to the continence team. Secondly, he needs to buy his son suitable incontinence products. My son is 11 and doubly incontinent due to disabilities. Pull ups aren't designed for full on urination, even the adult ones. Incontinence nappies go by waist size and the level of absorbency required. Tena slip and Abena Abriform do junior sizes.

It really doesn't sound like he's going to be in a position any time soon to pay to replace the mattress. But I wouldn't bother until they leave anyway. Maybe get him to pay in installments. The carpet should be fine after a professional clean. In the meantime, maybe he could buy a home carpet cleaner. And use enzyme cleaner to get rid of smells.

BIL really needs to be more diligent with his son. Being firmer with him about ensuring he puts on a pad (sometimes it's easier on them to refer to the nappy as a pad), if he is likely to fall asleep. And then also with alerting BIL in the night if he wakes up wet so he can help clean up.

BIL should absolutely be ensuring he washes all the sheets as soon as possible. He may have to dash off early in the morning, but he'll just have to get up a bit earlier to deal with it.

Lastly, you need to agree an end date when he moves out, but be clear that him staying is entirely dependant on him making these changes.

Do you get a kick out of making shit up and saying it with authority in the hope you sound like you know what you're talking about?

Do you understand just how damaging spouting such nonsense may be, on the off chance someone believes you?

Fixed it for you...
Bedwetting in older children is a common enough occurrence, sometimes extending into the late teens and, for those affected, possibly happening nightly. Some children simply take longer to develop the necessary hormones for night dryness and this will self-resolve in time - but it's best to speak to your GP in case of any other medical issues. It's entirely normal and understandable that a teenager still not dry at night may be embarrassed and ashamed and it's important to offer them reassurance and never judgement or punishment

Sorry this sounds like a lot! Probably your dh needs to have that chat with him? BIL needs to be the one to deal with the extra work and the workarounds ( maybe he needs to buy more waterproof mattress protectors etc ) About expectations etc and in a gentle enough way so he doesn’t feel unwanted…

situation is so tough and you are very patient and kind OP!

Home - ERIC https://share.google/2NJg42hJH0RnGUywc any tips here?

I think 2 x sets of everything, set on bed goes in plastic laundry basket as pp suggested as soon as they get up, every morning, basket stands on washable rug also as pp suggested.

Possibly get those washable duvets that don't need covers?

Strict ban on 10 year old going to bed unless BIL supervising. BIL and 10 year old must get up at same time.

You can get really effective enzyme cleaners (I had to get one when my cat got stuck in my home office overnight). Mine's called Dr Beckman carpet stain remover.

Maybe you could claim on the house insurance for the mattress? BIL pay excess?

• cheap/free mattress from Market place on top of the expensive one. Or a futon mattress would do it.
• cheap rug to cover most of the carpet.
• tell your BIL what you expect him to do: check every morning; wash everything that needs it.

I honestly can’t believe anyone would refuse a roof over their 10 year old nephews head for this. What is the world coming to?

He needs to cut down on drinks before bed. It would be cruel to make them leave.