Bed wetting hell, AIBU to want them gone?

[GoldieLocks09]

This may be a long one, so I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can..

BIL has been going through a rough time recently and his relationship ended, which meant he didn’t have anywhere to live - he asked to move in with me, DH and our 2 DS (2 & 5).. he has 2 of his own DS (10 & 12) from a previous relationship (not the recently split one) who stay with him 3-4 days a week, we’ve made it work but obviously there’s been challenges - the house is busy, loud and there’s plenty of bickers between the kids but there’s also been a lot of love and laughter in what’s been a difficult time for everyone involved.

We have a guest room with a double bed, which BIL and DN (10) sleep in, and DN (12) is on the bottom bunk in my eldests room which is usually unused. We’ve recently renovated our house and all bedrooms have new carpets, beds, mattresses, bedding.

DN (10) has always struggled with bet wedding since he was young, however in the 3 months they’ve been staying here, 95% of the time he has wet through. I’ve spoken to BIL about it and asked if he can put him in nappies, which he has, but he soaks through them, I’ve bought an incontinence sheet to try and protect the mattress a bit more, but every time they’re here BIL will strip the under sheet and wash it, but doesn’t seem to get that the other layers will need it too - there’s a lot of wee, I’ve even had to wash the duvet a few times. He also is embarrassed about it, and often it won’t be ‘found’ for hours and hours if he gets up a bit later or they go straight out and in this heat it’s so grim as he won’t tell anyone it’s happened and will often put his wet through pants and pj shorts just on the floor onto the brand new carpet.

I feel bad as it’s not his fault, but we’ve worked hard to make the room nice for guests which is often used by family and friends (obv not as much recently) but the sheets and mattress just aren’t going to last and I’m already noticing marks on the carpet where I’ve realised his wet clothes have been dumped and I’ve tried to clean to get the smell out. How do I handle this? I feel like I’m ready to say they need to find another living solution as I just can’t take it happening every time. It’s like BIL is so used to it, he does the minimum clean up which to me isn’t enough, but even if he did what I do when they go, everything’s going to get wrecked..

AIBU to say I can’t take anymore of this?

This is wrong. It’s actually very common but with no obvious cause. A significant percentage never get over it either - that’s the worrying bit

As the situation relates to your DH brother, make sure your DH is the one to have the conversation with BIL, not you, as it’s his family.

It is going to feel very very personal to your nephew, regardless of anything you say. So I do think you have to beat that in mind.

Does you BIL have a plan to get back on his own feet independently? On the face of it he was cocklodging at the last woman’s, and now he’s been shipped back to family.

I feel quite sorry for the nephew who is probably absolutely traumatized being dragged round the place all the time. With this ‘shame’ coming along too.

Notwithstanding all that, I do think your BIL needs to have the morning routine running properly, is there are routine at his Mum’s house that can be replicated?

I do think you are prioritising things/stuff over relationships and maybe just accept that until he grows out of this, stuff will get ruined. Try to be the bigger person.

A 10 year old should not need a nappy … if they have not taken him to a GP, who at this age will refer to paediatric services, it’s really really neglectful and damaging.

The BIL should not be sharing a bed with a 10 year old! How the hell does the son keep wetting bed and BIL doesn’t notice in night? Bed wetting can of course be developmental but it can also be trauma related.

Op you previously posted your BIL was likely doing cocaine again as you’d found coke on the bed stand. Did that get properly resolved? Your BIL sounds unstable in life. His poor sons - I’m amazed the mum lets them visit him overnight in this chaos

I'd double up on waterproof covers on the mattress, so get the mattress covered with 2 waterproof covers and then a sheet. So when they strip the bed they remove the sheet and one the top waterproof cover and hopefully the one underneath can stay there and is fully protecting the mattress. Then wash and dry it all and put it back on. Ie. Always having 2x waterproof covers on.

The duvet will definitely need replacing so I'd just get a cheap one from Asda with a cheap set of sheets. Ask your BIL to pay for the extra bedding.

They need to move out by the end of the month. It must be so cramped for 7 people to live in what I assume is a 4 bed house. The children need to permanently stay with their mum until your brother has his own place. Your brother needs to stay with his parents until he finds somewhere else to live.

Op you previously posted your BIL was likely doing cocaine again as you’d found coke on the bed stand. Did that get properly resolved? Your BIL sounds unstable in life. His poor sons - I’m amazed the mum lets them visit him overnight in this chaos

@FrogFalacy it did, there was no proof - and we haven’t found any further evidence, he’s been hugely better in himself over the last couple of months, and we don’t have a cause for concern about it. We bought some cocaine detector wipes and told him that we had. We’re still unsure what it was, if it was, so it may well have been us adding 2+2 and getting 5 because he wasn’t in a good headspace but my DH raised it and said if it was there would be no space for him here.

FYI, I don’t have a huge amount of contact with the mum but know her from when BIL was together with her (about 6 months when I got on the scene to them separating), I don’t want to comment too much but she doesn’t do a lot for DN’s. Has 3 new children (2 with additional needs), and the eldest get pushed to the side as they’re old enough to look after themselves. It’s rubbish and why I’m desperate to provide somewhere safe for them.

Bil needs to buy a peapod sheet. They just lie on the bed, don't bunch up and are easy to throw in the wash and then the dryer. They dont soak through to the layers below and can be laid on directly. Not cheap but absolutely amazing and don't lose their absorbancy. Would also be worth considering using one as a rug on the carpet where the throws his wet stuff. Could also have a plastic box to encourage him to throw his wet stuff into.

There are lots of reasons for bed wetting, not just abuse. Some children struggle to recognise the signals for sensory reasons, but regardless of the reason it is worth getting checked. There is lots of information and suggestions on the Eric website. GPs will.usually refer over to school nurses as an initial step.

Whether you ask bil to move out is a separate issue to this in some ways, although Bil really needs to manage it better and take responsibility by protecting the mattress and floor. You could write a little check list of what he needs to do before leaving the house regardless of how much of a rush he is in, eg throw the peapod sheet in the wash (only 1 at a time as they get heavy when being washed).

If they’re in a rush to leave, then have a think about what tactics work best.

Stripping everything wet into a tough tub and leaving the washing for you on days they’ve got that drive might be the ‘least bad’.

Simba will actually be more forgiving for this than many mattresses as it doesn’t have thick layers of natural absorbent fibres. Heavy duty waterproof cover definitely needed (and Asda £15 due t).

They are lucky children to have you in their lives. You’re stable and safe, they will always remember this.

talk to BIL and explain the expectations. He must use pee pads/ puppy pads and bedding and pjs are washed every day as routine. He must also be actively seeking support - GP etc. otherwise they can’t stay and you really want them to be able to.

I think it sounds like it works ok for the moment. Can you have a different convo a few weeks after the wetting convo and set a tomeline. What is the plan? 6 months? Is he saving a deposit for his next rental (if not why not?)

Poor kids. There is evidence that having supportive extended family when neglected by parents can make a huge difference so please don't underestimate the impact you are having!

Your brother in law can buy a coverless duvet which can be put straight in to the washer without having to change the covers.

The totally unreasonable thing is this being laid on you in any way. The primary responsibility is with BIL. If he can't cope then he can ask his brother your DH for help. You should not be involved

We lived with regular bedwetting from older DC for many years. BIL should make an appointment to get medication (desmopressin) which will help eventually. Meanwhile he needs to buy and be in charge of the laundry of sufficient bedding to keep his son clean and dry.

He needs: 2 duvets, both with waterproof duvet covers underneath a normal cotton duvet cover, plus a spare set of waterproof & normal covers.
3 or 4 fitted waterproof undersheets
3 or 4 fitted normal cotton undersheets
Packets of drynights mattress pads or similar.

The bed should be made up with at least 3 lasagne layers of waterproof undersheet, mattress pad, cotton undersheet, waterproof undersheet, mattress pad, cotton undersheet etc. When there is a wetting incident in the night, it's easy to peel off the top layers, get into fresh pyjamas, swap over duvets if necessary, and go back to sleep.

First thing every morning BIL checks what the situation is and puts on the wet sheets/duvet covers for a wash. Each evening he checks that there are sufficient layers on the bed and a ready-to-swap-in spare duvet available.

It is hell, but this is not your hell to bear @GoldieLocks09 and you need to have boundaries to not take it onto yourself.

https://www.peapodmats.com/?srsltid=AfmBOoqjFb2kbPeT6nTbXLbaetlPZ-IDNRpRliM39YqhOS3NSF7Bi7FE forgot to put the link. They have been a life changer for us and taken away 90% of the stress over bedwetting.

I couldn't deal with this shit, sorry. You've been generous enough housing the BIL. I would not also allow 2 extra kids to be staying 3-4 days a week every week. Tell BIL they can come over for their tea a couple of nights a week but the sleepovers are not continuing. It might give him a kick up the arse to find new housing. He's taking the piss.

OP tell BiL to get a couple of Kylie Sheets. You can get them from Amazon. They’re essentially a waterproof soft cotton draw sheet that goes over the bedsheet, not under it. Flaps tuck in under the mattress, either side of the bed. You can also get flat ones if you just want it one side, but these can move because they don’t have the flaps. When the child has wet the bed you just whip off the kylie and put on a fresh one. And if the pee gets on the duvet it might be worth looking ant coverless duvets. JustLinen an online bedding site sell reasonably priced ones that can be washed and tumble dried. And like other posters l think your brother needs to get his son to his GP for help and a referral to continence services.

BIL absolutely needs to be checking each morning, all clothes and bedding to go immediately in a seperate wash basket (not the floor) and then straight in the washer.
Would having a small one of these for the pj's and bedding to go in help?
Bit of a visual prompt for the son and BIL
Tubs and Garden Flexi Tubs at B&Q https://share.google/ZmcHHi0Jk0pJsFHmw

This is a medical issue after age 7 and needs treatment (notwithstanding it’s common in the family - that just means it’s a medical issue throughout the family!). GP can refer to paediatric service who can prescribe medication and support. ERIC website and other continence aids signposted here while they wait for referral. (My dc were not dry at night until age 8)

Yikes - sorry this too much for you, BIL has got to sort something else.

I'd suggest you need full size water proof matress protector, sheet on top, then a bed protector on top of that.
The duvet cover and sheet may still need washing some of the time, but it's the best way to protect the mattress.
Washable Bed Pad Blue with Tuck-In Sides (3000ml) Single https://share.google/joNk4RAoixzIH1suY

He needs a referral to the incontinence service, there’s help out there including surgery and drugs (drastic but may be needed in order to live a normal life) I don’t think I it’s unreasonable to ask for a time scale for them leaving, you can’t live with another family forever!

Forgot to add, when you put the bed linens in the washing machine, run a short cold cycle with a cup of white vinegar first. That removes the pee smell and sanitises. Then you do a normal wash.

My DS wet the bed until he was 15. I bought a load of washable incontinence sheets for the bed with wings https://www.amazon.co.uk/Washable-Bed-Protector-Pad-Tucks/dp/B008645BP6/ref=sr_1_6?crid=38FKZN7EMFJ79&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.yJudFZV-mTCZlVVmlKosLfy8ZorRwiD-EOVySe-YGQZbC2emEC1aSYjLP_KKzKQgxG5l-Xc1kgOCHGPP_emMWKIf5p5p6LmmmLka7xTk71yxb-Zg2cW0v8kuA7TWl0qux03XCZhXXrPJJL22rRnxlp2rlwffxG1JxXyri33P6Dgp_iH2tvzRMlzKpEHk-XKojHOSI5zIezgtEKiHormEgTipRheFX70WIfooMIW9DRd0ILVc3p64rOuqEbwQqAh_QVEHQJ_IBRiRuAIit9s5DlmWnT68ikwP4WBVI1X3mB0.gTx3yOhRAbNq_rwzvU_emY4qFJbb4yXpkc8SEMPgZXw&dib_tag=se&keywords=incontinence+sheets+for+bed&qid=1755420157&sprefix=Incontinence+shee%2Caps%2C113&sr=8-6

these were great. I used two at a time, one under the sheet and one over. My DS had a tendency to strip off the protector whilst still asleep and then wet the bed a second time so the second protector caught the second wee. We also had a washable rug next to the bed to collect the wet items.

My DS tried all the NHS routes including desmopressin but nothing worked. He grew out of it in the end.

It doesn’t matter if your BIL is in a rush to leave and “doesn’t have time to check” he needs to get up earlier. Expecting someone else to clean your child’s wee is out of line.